Awaiting the Tiger tale

Why did Woods’s wife have to smash the rear window of his SUV with a golf club?

by Colby Cosh

Like Scott and millions of others, I’ve been sitting here trying to imagine possible conditions under which the story of Elin Nordegren using a golf club on the rear window of an SUV to “rescue” her husband from a fender-bender could hold up in a way that will eventually have us all saying “Yeah, of course, that makes perfect sense.”

OK, best shot at it. Ready? Premise: Tiger Woods obviously doesn’t drive an ordinary SUV. C’mon, did you really think he would drive the same car you drive and every other schmuck drives? Are you kidding? Do you know how many Travis Bickles a celebrity with even one-tenth of his visibility attracts? And didn’t you see what happened to the Princess of Wales? Christ, no. Tiger obviously drives some kind of crazy military-hardened skunk-works SUV. It’s a given!

What I bet happened was, when he hit the hydrant, it tripped all the secret security features. Collision bars made from high-tech composites on the side doors, chemical sealants, alarms, fire-extinguishing gas, external flamethrowers in the wheel wells. Who knows what-all. Elin had been briefed by the manufacturer; she knew that the only way into the vehicle was through the back. It was designed that way!—that’s the access node for the first responders! “If you ever need to get out of the vehicle, ma’am, just grab a niblick and go medieval on that window.” She was just following her training! She did exactly the right…….

No, huh? Well, heck, I tried. Anybody else got anything?




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Awaiting the Tiger tale

  1. Or as I said to my wife, he was either drunk or fighting with his wife or both. But isn't this an odd subject for a "city of champions" guy to be blogging about on GREY CUP SUNDAY? No local football stories Colby? I still remeber the pain of Dave Cutler kicking field goals in blizzards to break Rider fan's hearts so good on ya. :)

    • I kind of enjoyed the day, actually. How about you?

      • In Rider land we've learned to cultivate next year country…out of necessity. I did think the Riders were the better team, but they lost. Too bad the score wasn't being kept at EAU-CRU, the riders could have argued the score wasn't adjusted properly to account for the 13 players on the penultimate play.

  2. My hypothesis:

    His face was lacerated by his wife–not in the car.

    They decided to fake a car accident with shattered glass to account for his injuries.

    Elkay

  3. i think th emore interesting angle of all this – i agree it is a given that the story to date is incorrect – is that when all is said and done on this that TMZ will have broken the two most prominent entertainment/sports stories of the year (this and the death of mj), out-doing a massive reporting industry in both those fields. more evidence of the shifting realities of the news media.

    • And let's not forget the National Enquirer with the John Edwards scandal. The tabloids are gaining a terrifying amount of credibility these days.

  4. The accident took place in front of his house. I'm still puzzled why the police apparently asked him where he was going. Why is that anybody's business and what difference would it make?

  5. But if this is heading towards divorce (which it ought to be if the lacerations around his mouth were not caused by a traffic accident that apparently didn't shatter the front windows or cause the airbags to deploy) what benefit is there to Tiger to cover up Elin's raging attack? Elin keeps saying Tiger is not able to speak to police. Perhaps the police should be getting that from Tiger, himself? I don't say Elin DID take a golf club to the back of Tiger's SUV as he was trying to escape from her, but surely the cops have to figure that's what could have happened. Enough, at least, to get Tiger's views without going through Elin?

    Or to put it another way, would police take Elin's word for it if she was just some schmo married to another schmo?

    • How sure are we that Tiger is even ALIVE?

    • what benefit is there to Tiger to cover up Elin's raging attack?

      His marriage. He cheated, she found out, she chased him with a golf club, and he deserved it.

      • I too would like to know about this "strong evidence" of his cheating. A woman Tiger is said to know is said to have stayed in the same hotel room as him in Australia. She is on record publicly as saying not only that they're not having an affair, but she never even saw him while she was in Melbourne.

        Did I miss some strong evidence somewhere?

        • Obviously above I meant to write that she's said to have stayed in the same HOTEL as Tiger. If she'd been booked in the same ROOM, I agree that would have been strong evidence of an affair, lol.

        • Yes, you have missed some evidence.

          • lol,

            Thanks, that was helpful!

          • Well, it appears perhaps Tiger did in fact have an affair.

            I feel somewhat comfortable still with my skepticism though, as it would appear from this report that while he may well have had an affair, it's not with the woman everyone (read: TMZ and the Enquirer) were SAYING he had an affair with.

      • Whoa, s_c_f!

        No spouse EVER deserves to be beaten by their partner. Man or woman. Ever.

        Not saying I don't understand the desire, because believe me, I do. So if an SUV (or fiist through drywall) has to take it instead, so be it.

    • what benefit is there to Tiger to cover up Elin's raging attack?

      If they are heading for a divorce, its possible that he's willing to cover this up as a bargaining chip. Money makes people do strange things.

      • It would be a better bargaining chip to not cover it up, and let her try to convince the judge she deserves extra gazillions in alimony from a jail cell. Of course, this would only be a good thing if he wanted custody of the kids.

        • Oh agreed. Although rational thought seems to not be a factor in this 'accident'.

  6. On a less conspiratorial note, at least with regards to why she smashed out the back window, it does seem to me entirely logical that there might not be a second set of keys to that particular vehicle, and that the doors were all locked (some cars even automatically lock all doors when the vehicle is engaged). Reports are that Tiger lost consciousness for about 6 minutes or so, and I don't find it incredible that if one's spouse were unconscious in a just-crashed SUV, when you went to smash a window in order to get into the car you may very well choose to smash the window furthest away from your spouse.

    • It's an upgrade on my attempt, but we both skipped past the "OK, so why'd he crash the SUV in the first place?" part.

      • Well, that's certainly true. Also, just what was she doing outside at all if she wasn't going wherever he was going with him? Did she hear the crash from inside the house and come running outside presuming it was Tiger?

    • Well now I've read somewhere that it wasn't the back window at all, but both rear passenger windows. If that's the case it isn't suspicious to me because those (one of those, anyway) would have been the window I'd have smashed if my loving hubby were unconscious in a locked car. Not so sure how plausible no second set of keys is, but I can well understand smashing the window rather than hunting for keys that may or may not be in the house.

  7. 1. We know nothing, so assumptions are just that.

    2. Who cares?

  8. The doors being locked makes sense to me. Almost any car these days comes with the self locking feature as you go into forward and press the gas. Not sure what speed that kicks in.

    That being said, the whole story is fishy, and the delay in speaking to the police and the lack of a substantial PR statement just raises questions.

    Now revers the roles and assume it was his wife in the SUV. Would police really wait days to speak to her, and accept the husbands assurances that she didnt want to talk, or the presses?

    We will all know soon enough.

    • Now reverse the roles and assume it was his wife in the SUV. Would police really wait days to speak to her, and accept the husbands assurances that she didn't want to talk, or the presses?

      No.

      • I do hope you're wrong on this.

        • Actually, I kinda hope I'm right. They SHOULDN'T take the husband's word for it in that case, and they shouldn't take the wife's word for it in this case.

          • Well, yes. I meant to say that. But I didn't.

  9. I think Tiger crashed the SUV because he was distracted by his wife, who smashed the back window open with a golf club as he started to drive away (about three seconds before the accident).

    • I agree. She caused the facial injuries by lunging at him in the house. He decided he better leave, she was rather angry and violent, perhaps she has a temper. She grabbed a golf club to chase him out of the house, and decided to go medieval on the car. And she was chasing him because he cheated on her in Las Vegas, NY city, and Australia with the same lady. He hears the window smashed in as he is driving, and immediately turns out to assess the damage and his personal safety, but does not want to stop the car while it is being turned into a scrap heap, and perhaps even veers off the driveway on purpose to avoid Elin's golf swing.

      Here's even more speculation. He was on prescription painkillers (he admits that in his story). She waited til he was out of it and crashed in bed to check his cell phone for text messages and his wallet for other clues. She finds the smoking gun that confirms the rumours coming from the tabloids. That's when she confronts him in a rage.

      • If the supposed "other woman" is to be believed, I'm not sure what "smoking gun" could have been found, given that in addition to denying ever having an affair with Tiger, and denying ever seeing him in Australia, she denies ever having talked on the phone with him or ever sending or receiving text messages to/from Tiger.

        She's also offered to take a polygraph test to prove she's never had an affair with him, and claims a "friend" (I'm thinking now perhaps an "acquaintance") made up the story when the National Enquirer gave her $25,000.

        She could obviously be lying, and sometimes the National Enquirer and TMZ are actually right about stuff, but even if I think Elin may have actually gone after Tiger because she THOUGHT he was having an affair, I see no convincing evidence (yet) that he actually did.

        Also, on a superficial level, I've seen Elin, and I've seen the woman Tiger is accused of having an affair with, and if it's true, Tiger's just not very bright.

        • I'm inclined to believe that is a woman is chasing a man with a golf club and scratching his face, then she's acting on more than just rumours. But if you think Elin would do that without evidence, then you don't give her much credit, I'd say.

          As for the evidence, there is lots and lots, including the fact the mistress was seen with him in Australia by several witnesses, and also was seen with him in NY and Las Vegas. She was also seen taking the elevator to the VIP floor in the Australian hotel. Perhaps you would need to be in the same room in order to believe it.

          • I guess if she was chasing him with a golf club and scratching his face that MAYBE she'd only do so based on "evidence" (though, c'mon, no wife has ever attacked her husband based on the strong SUGGESTION of an affair???).

            That said, there's technically actually less evidence that she attacked him and chased him with a golf club than there is that he had an affair.

            As for that evidence, fine, she's been seen with Tiger Woods in public. Shocking. I'm impressed that someone remembers that she took the elevator to the VIP floor in Melbourne but A) is it possible she had a room on that floor too, and B) C'mon. Someone remembers which floor she got off of at a hotel? That's evidence of an affair? I don't buy the first part of that anyway, but as for the second, the answer is clearly no. As for her friend's assertion, I'm not sure if that story came before or after the cheque for $25,000 from the National Enquirer cleared, but at the very least the payment makes one wonder, no?

            Maybe he did have an affair with her mind you. I'm just not convinced of that fact yet by the evidence I've heard so far from the Enquirer and TMZ.

          • there's technically actually less evidence that she attacked him and chased him with a golf club

            The evidence seemed obvious to me. The SUV had both back windows smashed. I fail to see why you would break a second window to get into the car.

            It's been essentially confirmed, probably by a leak from someone who is in the know.

            http://www.tmz.com/2009/11/28/tiger-woods-elin-no

            You strike me as someone incredibly skeptical. It sounds like you'd need to be in the room to believe it. We have a friend popping up in the same hotel at the same time on the other side of the world, and going to the same floor, and being seen with him, a woman who has been spending time with him elsehwere. I can assure you there is not a wife on earth who would consider this behaviour acceptable.

          • Well, I am pretty sceptical, though I have no interest in seeing Tiger Woods having sex with that woman (frankly, the fact that his wife is so much more attractive than the alleged mistress just bolsters my scepticism). I'm sceptical enough that "some anonymous person told TMZ that he or she had a conversation with Tiger Woods in which Tiger said his wife beat him up because there are reports that he's having an affair". Maybe I'm giving Woods too much credit, but would he really have that conversation with someone AT ALL likely to turn around and let TMZ know all about it within 48 hours???

            Again, it may all be true, I'm just not totally convinced yet.

          • See: above, but I think perhaps s_c_f and I were both kinda right. Looks like Tiger did have an affair, but that I might have been right to be skeptical as it appears he did NOT have an affair with the woman everyone was claiming he had an affair with, but with a totally different woman.

          • The number of mistresses is almost in double digits now. Almost all of them have presented credible stories with witnesses.
            As for the very first one, it's been shown now that Tiger's organization flew her to Australia, she's been shown to have lied about everything. The second has him on voice-mail. All the others have credible stories when and where the affairs occurred.
            At this point, I'm inclined to believe he had mistresses everywhere, all of the time, even when he was engaged.

  10. “If you ever need to get out of the vehicle, ma'am, just grab a niblick and go medieval on that window.”

    I think Elin was trying to go medieval on Tiger, not the window. Sounds like Tiger has been a naughty boy.

  11. What about this: The truth is not that Tiger drives some military-grade SUV, it's that he doesn't know how to drive. You figure that guy has had a personal driver since he was two years old. Do we know if he even has a driver's license? Could *that* be the charges that are pending — driving sans license?

    My guess: He pulled a Phil Hartman. Told his wife he had been cheating and was going to leave her, then goes to sleep. He wakes up and she 's getting medieval on his face with a golf club. He runs downstairs, grabs the car keys to the SUV he's never driven. Puts 'er in gear, and plows into the tree.

    • I like your driving angle, you may be right that he's never driven that vehicle.

      As for going medieval on his face with a golf club, OUCH! It could be that he did get hit hard though, although it's hard to believe she would actually hit him with a club. But somehow he was very dazed, even though the airbags did not deploy which means it was probably not the car that dazed him so much.

  12. Whatever happened, the New York Post had the best headline for this story: Tiger not a Lion Cheetah!

    • Oh, I missed that. Thanks so much for pointing it out–I heartily add my vote for best headline!

  13. Some guys from England hacked in GM's OnStar system and remotely started Tiger Woods' car. Frank, the tiger head cover was in the backseat sleeping, woke, freaked out, and started banging on the rear windows to escape. As Tiger ran downstairs to save Frank, he jumped into the driver's seat, only to discover that the english hackers, accustomed to driving on the other side of the road, remotely turned left, while Tiger was trying to turn right. Instead they went straight, into the fire hydrant.

    Frank jumped out of the backseat into Tigers' wife's arms, Tiger awoke, daed, and the english hackers went off to have chip butties and a pint to celebrate, with a side of onion rings – (strangely with extra thick batter, go figure – scandalous!).

    • Definatly my favorite answer so far!

    • That's it! Had to be!

      Whew, thanks for clearing all of that up, Dot. I was really worried we weren't going to come up with a plausible explanation that didn't end in divorce or jail time or something.

    • "chip butties and a pint"

      Proper comfort food. Doesn't get much better than that.

    • I knew the OnStar system was involved somehow. Did Mrs. Woods not see the ad where Tiger locks himself out of his Buick Enclave (ha! Works as advertised) and the OnStar lady beeps him in? Maybe the OnStar lady could have slashed up Tigers face on her behalf too. I can't wait to see the next commercial.

  14. Or to put it another way, would police take Elin's word for it if she was just some schmo married to another schmo?

    Or to put it another way, celebrity status or no, would police take Elin's word for it if she was the man and Tiger was the woman? If everyone's suspicions are true (and maybe they aren't) then I have to say, if the (gender) roles were reversed, Tiger might well already be in jail for assault.

  15. I'm sorry – but after reading this thread, I have a better understanding of all the partisan fighting.
    Most of you are addicted to sensationalism.
    I can't believe the amount of depth and analysis that is focused on one man's domestic affairs.
    Could sensationalism also be the reason why our political system is failing us?

    • What could we possibly be interested in a guy whose career earnings are 100M and whose career endorsement earnings because of his image are 800M. When you drink this deeply at the public trough of public adoration you are going to be scrutinized to the level you market your name. btw I watch every tournament (whether tiger plays or not) and am constantly amazed at his skill and daring and am truly blown away by his super human putting.

  16. What a bunch of gossipy trailer trash. Pathetic.

  17. Poor Tiger…he couldn't keep his "woodie" in his pants…..

  18. "What club was that Elin – 7-iron ?"

  19. If Mrs Woods tried to tame Tiger's wandering ways with a nine iron, how is that any of our business. Let them work it out, and the Police do what they have to do.

    She wouldn't be the first wife to lay a licking on a cheating husband.

  20. The guy was dunking his donut and he got caught.

  21. If Mrs Woods tried to tame Tiger's wandering ways with a nine iron, how is that any of our business. Let them work it out, and the Police do what they have to do.

    She wouldn't be the first wife to lay a licking on a cheating husband.

  22. When my wife heard this story, her only response was, "You go, girl!" Elin has, quite literally, struck a blow for the sisterhood…

  23. Colby Cosh, one of Canada's best writers, is reduced to writing about…Tiger Woods and his wife having a fight.

    I guess you gotta cover whatever your assignment editor tells you to cover…but Jesus, couldn't they find some intern to do this? Or, even better, find something interesting or newsworthy to investigate?

    Something like Bubble Boy analysis or the Couple that Crashed the White House Dinner. You know, real important stuff. Alanis Morrissette smoked some pot once! Get on it, Cosh.

  24. If we reversed this, and it was Tigers wife who was in the car, perhaps fleeing, we would want to know.The more he hides, the more untruths come out.

  25. See, I find that kinda sad.

    The next time there's a story suggesting some husband somewhere had a fight with his wife, caused lacerations on her face then chased her as she tried to drive away, smashing the windows of her car, forcing her off the road, and causing her to crash and lose consciousness, all because he suspected she was having an affair, try responding to the story with a "Right on dude!".

    I bet your wife reacts differently to your response.

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