10 things Tiger probably won’t say

#5 “After a lot of painful introspection I’ve become convinced I made a mistake marrying so young. To just the one woman.”

by Colby Cosh

1. “…and so, in an effort to avoid temptation, I will henceforth be devoting myself exclusively to golf in its underappreciated, family-friendly ‘miniature’ form. See you at the windmill!”

2. “I’m sorry to announce that I will not be appearing at The Masters in 2010. I will, however, be using that weekend to perform in a golf-themed adult film entitled The Masturs.”

3. “Yes, people of Earth, I have most assuredly been in some sort of bizarre sex jail for the past three months. NOT preparing for a reptoid invasion of your… sorry, our planet. It was definitely the sex jail thing.”

4. “Do you people realize what kind of messed-up childhood I had? You should be grateful my sex life doesn’t consist largely of infantilism, bondage, and urinating on Babe Zaharias lookalikes.”

5. “After a lot of painful introspection I’ve become convinced I made a mistake marrying so young. To just the one woman.”

6. “I’ve asked you all here today so I could tell you about a friend of mine who saved my life. A friend named L. Ron Hubbard.”

7. “Nooo, not the science-fiction author and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. That’s just a weird coincidence. This Ron Hubbard is a bartender who pulled me out of a malfunctioning hot tub in a VIP room. Believe me, poor bastard’s heard all the jokes.”

8. “Basically, as I grew up, I found myself superbly prepared for everything about a professional golf career… except the overwhelming, fatal tide of sexy double-entendres.”

9. “And so I apologize to fans everywhere for my blatantly obvious use of outlawed performance-enhancing drugs. …Wait, what? This is about the screwing? Seriously??”

10. “Above all, I hope my troubles won’t lead to unjust prejudice against my fellow Cablinasians. Stay strong, my people.”




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10 things Tiger probably won’t say

  1. 11) I did not have sexual relations with those women! (I just read something about Clinton and was inspired by him)

    “And so I apologize to fans everywhere for my blatantly obvious use of outlawed performance-enhancing drugs. …Wait, what? This is about the screwing? Seriously??”

    I have stopped following this saga but whatever happened to Canadian guy who was helping Tiger medically and was found to have lots of performance enhancing drugs with him when he was stopped at border (I think that's what the story was).

  2. 11. On doctor's orders i will be curtailing those outlawed performance enhancing drugs, which should take care of the alley cat stuff. As a further bounus i should have some extra time on my hands to practise up on the golf stuff.

  3. That's the funniest thing I've read all week, Mr. Cosh. I'll be smiling all day. Thank you.

  4. Hilarious!

  5. Keep that up and Feschuk will be gunning for you . . .

  6. I just pictured the reincarnation of Michael Jackson when Tiger was speaking.

  7. Good morning. I have let you all down and I have led a dual life. I am a liar and a cheater and this has cost me a future with my wife and children. But we all must bear our crosses and for this reason, I will now redouble my focus on the game of golf and sexual conquests. I have therefore signed an agreement with FOX to star in a reality show called Tiger’s Wood in which single female golfers learn tips on golfing and male pleasure in an attempt to become my new wife. Thank you, God Bless you all.’

  8. About #9, somehow you're a clairvoyant.

    He did mention performance enhancing drugs, and what's with that? That came out of left field.

    • When he brought up the performance enhancing drugs, did he specify whether they pertained to his performance as a golfer?

      • Perhaps he was referring to Cialis?

      • LOL

        He said there were two things he wanted to clear up:
        1- elin did not chase him with a golf club (yeah, right!)
        2- he has never used performance enhancing drugs

        So, who knows? Could have been viagra he was talking about.

    • he has a doctor that recently went down for allegedly plying athletes with performance enhancing drugs, including human growth hormones I believe.

  9. If he really wanted to get the women of the golf world on his side he would have said:
    “Yes, Elin hit me with a golf club & I deserved it. “

  10. #11: It was the only way I could get on Oprah.

  11. And NBC re-hired Leno when they could have had you…what's your name again?

  12. Admit it all that was just an excuse to use the word "Cablinasian." in a blog post

    Personally, i think he should have admitted what all real men wanted hem to say. "I lived a very strict, focused and driven youth and after my dad's passing and my wifes pregnancy i decided to take advantage of a window in my life to get as much poon as i could." I owe only Elin an apology

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