If we’re going to worship idols, can’t they at least be entertaining?

Emma Teitel wonders why we’re so fascinated by the Royals

At the risk of being called a churl and especially, a traitor to this magazine, I am going to insult the British monarchy.

For too long (in my humble opinion) valuable tabloid space has been monopolized by two classes of people you might call FFDN’s (Famous for Doing Nothings): the British Monarchy and The Housewives of Insert-American-City. The main difference between the two classes is that one class has some—class, that is—and the other doesn’t. The B.M., I will concede, is the winner in this regard, but it doesn’t stop them from being as tedious as the housewives. It seems as though every decent self-respecting celebrity rag has suddenly abandoned its traditional and proper focus on the cellulite and scandal of show-biz’s rich and famous, in favour of reality TV weddings and reluctant dog christenings.

You know we live in a twisted world when Brangelina’s Benetton brood and Charlie Sheen’s coke benders can’t compete with photos of Will and Kate eating fruit cake. It’s harsh, you might argue, to blame the young royals for having dessert, but couldn’t they at least pick something a little less fossilized? Something tasty, maybe?

Where’s the justice?

Certainly not in Canada. The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee has not only crippled our poolside/airport reading; it has (according to anti-monarchy group, Citizens for a Canadian Republic) crippled the Canadian economy—and reduced us to personality-cult-worshipping-losers.

Unfortunately, though, people will always revere other people, no matter how undeservedly, and governments (as this magazine has made explicitly clear) will always spend our money, no matter how dumbly. But unlike Citizens for a Canadian Republic, and the 6 Quebecois MPs who returned their Jubilee medals, all I ask is that if we have to spend millions of dollars on essentially baseless idol worship, let’s at least choose some idols who can put on a decent show.

I nominate the following for the job…




Browse

If we’re going to worship idols, can’t they at least be entertaining?

  1. Now THEY are interesting…..not to mention forward thinking and willing to try new things!

  2. The gay guy made me laugh very much when he said “that’s nice” when his prince entered room wearing his King costume. I would have been gobsmacked and not known how to react.

    Giving the royals a hard time because they are not interesting in public isn’t really fair because they are just doing their job. Also, people who appear to be vanilla in public often like to get their freak on in private – you have to watch the quiet ones, you know what I am sayin’? 

    Eating fruit cake while wearing cardigans is new subversive! 

    PJ O’Rourke ~ If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you’ve read his autobiography

  3. The Queen is okay. She’s like the national dignified, stern-but-caring grandmother.

    Charles is going to end up killing the monarchy, though. I can only hope she lives long enough to see him have some kind of fatal solar panel accident on his organic beet farm, or something.

    • LOL  yeah, I think Chuck will take out the monarchy for all of us. Beet accidents aside.

    • I’m hoping that Canadians will ask to cut our ties ASAP. I seriously don’t like paying for their vacations to Canada. I’m totally opposed to welfare for the rich.

  4. I won’t comment on the Royal Family as people. I’m sure they’re nice enough. They have no choice regarding their life’s circumstances. The institution of the Monarchy is a modern day anachronism and I honestly don’t know why we tolerate welfare for the wealthy while holding the poor in contempt. Something’s seriously whacky about that.

    • “The institution of the Monarchy is a modern day anachronism ….. ”

      Bagehot ~ The best reason why Monarchy is a strong government is, that it is an intelligible government. The mass of mankind understand it, and they hardly anywhere in the world understand any other.

      CBC – Dec 2011:

      People could not get enough of the royal newlyweds’ visit to Canada this year, with coverage of the Canadian adventures of Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, among the top stories across the country.

      • I know I’m in the minority but I don’t generally fall for these side-shows. I have a life.

        • Canadians aren’t interested in the monarchy generally…although the media keeps telling us we are. Polls show differently.

          • I don’t want to deride people’s feeling about this — my 93 year old mother used to be nuts about the Queen so it’s not foreign to me.I just have a very anti-authoritarian streak within me so I can’t get excited about worshiping anyone. I don’t take direction very well :) 

          • I hear you on that one: I’m uncomfortable with hero and/or celebrity worship.

        • Pitty

  5. Having been feed a steady diet of ultra-spicey chocolate & balut flavored celebrities since the sixties, a little vanilla can make a refreshing change.

    People you like to like.

  6. At the risk of being called a stickler especially, in this magazine, I am going to insult the structure of your opening sentence. 

  7. If you’re going to write a column, can’t you at least write something worth reading?

  8. You are still worshiping idols?  

  9. If you worship someone you had better know them personaly because so many times those in high places are often not what they are portrayed.

Sign in to comment.