When I was in my third year of university, I had a very interesting conversation with my former nanny, a Filipino woman who I will call Elsie. Elsie takes care of my 91-year-old bubie (Jewish grandmother) and when I visit my bubie, I visit Elsie too.
One day Elsie asked me about an old friend of mine, what she was up to–and whether or not she had a boyfriend. “Actually,” I said, “she’s a lesbian.” Elsie’s face turned red. She was embarrassed. And then afraid.
Elsie told me that Libyans–by which I’m pretty sure she meant lesbians (her accent made it sound a lot like Libyans)–have a way of trapping or manipulating unsuspecting women and making them do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. Dangerous things.
“Beware of libyans,” she said. “They will get you, and they will have you trapped.”
Elsie didn’t know, yet, that I was already trapped (I am a lesbian–or libyan as she likes to say), and I didn’t know what she was talking about. Was being a lesbian like being in a secret society, or maybe a sorority–the lesbian version of The Skulls? Would I have to pay a fine if I left the club and married a man one day?
But I might go insane. That’s probably what Elsie thought, because if your only exposure to gay people is through popular culture, and your only exposure to lesbians is–minus Ellen–from the movies, then why wouldn’t you be afraid of them?
There are no lesbian characters in mainstream cinema. There are only lesbian psychopaths.
Don’t believe me? Let’s review.
This is the trailer for Brian de Palma’s new erotic thriller, Passion, which sounds a lot like Working Girl (girl gets revenge on boss for stealing her idea) only it has some lesbianism in it, which means one or all characters will probably die.
And then there’s these…
Gia: the story of a drug-addicted lesbian supermodel who is also a psychopath.
Mulholland Drive: the story of an unsuccessful lesbian actress who is also a psychopath.
Chloe: the story of a lesbian prostitute who is also a psychopath.
Monster: the story of a serial-killing lesbian prostitute who is, obviously, a psychopath.
Moral of the story: Don’t associate with lesbians. You will either become or be killed by, a psychopath.
There is one exception to this rule.
Lesbians are apparently not psychotic (just mildly annoying) if they are post-menopausal:
Or go straight to video: