How newsmakers of 2013 would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Scott Feschuk sums up the year

by Scott Feschuk

Photo illustration by Sarah MacKinnon

As we begin to reflect on the events of 2013, it’s time to answer the question that’s on everyone’s mind: How would some of the year’s top newsmakers make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

•••

Pamela Wallin

1. Fly business class to Toronto at public expense.

2. Buy one slice of bread at public expense.

3. Fly business class to Saskatoon at public expense.

4. Buy second slice of bread at public expense.

5. Fly business class to Ottawa at public expense.

6. Buy peanut butter and jelly at public expense.

7. Throw it all away and go out for a nice dinner at public expense.

•••

Justin Bieber

1. Recruit a 12-member entourage to make him a single peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Hurl peanut butter and jelly sandwich against the wall, shouting, “WHY WASN’T THIS MADE BY A MONKEY??”

3. Remove shirt.

•••

Stephen Harper

1. As a matter of reflex, immediately launch a negative ad campaign against ham sandwiches.

2. Meticulously position bread, peanut butter and jelly on kitchen counter.

3. Warn of grave threat to national economy if anyone else is entrusted to assemble the sandwich.

4. Slap away Jason Kenney’s hand as it reaches for the peanut butter.

5. Write a boring book about old sandwiches.

•••

Rob Ford

1. “I do not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nor am I an addict of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

2. “I can’t comment on a sandwich that doesn’t exist.”

3. “I just want to see the sandwich. The sandwich will answer a lot of questions.”

4. “Yes, I have eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, probably while in one of my luncheon stupors.”

•••

Justin Trudeau

1. Assemble ingredients for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Pause dramatically.

3. Eyes wet with emotion, announce to Canadians that he lives this sandwich in his bones and in his every breath. FORSOOTH HOW HE DOES ADORE THIS FAIR SANDWICH!

4. Pause briefly to praise the wondrous efficiencies of China’s sandwich sweatshops.

•••

Miley Cyrus

1. Nail two slices of bread to a wall.

2. Apply ample amounts of peanut butter to one bum cheek.

3. Apply ample amounts of jelly to the other bum cheek.

4. Turn on music.

•••

Barack Obama

1. Publicly reveal his intention to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Mull over how best to make the sandwich.

3. Assemble a team of experts with decades of experience in the making of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

4. Consult with inner circle of advisers, all of whom have doctorates in theoretical sandwich making.

5. Deliver eloquent address to Congress promising decisive action soon to resolve the ongoing sandwich crisis.

6. Travel to Britain to explore the ancestry of the fourth earl of Sandwich.

7. Lift knife toward peanut butter jar and . . . but wait, is a knife really the right utensil for the job? If you think about it, a spoon can more easily accommodate a greater quantity of . . .

8. Die of hunger.

•••

Mike Duffy

1. Purchase and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Submit an expense claim for one peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and also a house.

•••

Thomas Mulcair

1. Spread peanut butter on a slice of bread.

2. Spread jelly on a second slice of bread.

3. Press together the two slices of bread.

4. Eat this perfectly good peanut butter and jelly sandwich while standing alone at a microphone as 38 reporters ask Justin Trudeau about weed.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk




Browse

How newsmakers of 2013 would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

  1. “Luncheon stupors” is genius.

  2. This is seriously funny!!
    Props to the writers for their sense of humour… and to the sjubects for providing grade-A material!!

  3. Might be the best of Feschuk

  4. This is great! I can’t resist expanding the Rob Ford segment like this:

    1. “I do not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nor am I an addict of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

    2. “I can’t comment on a sandwich that I haven’t seen or that doesn’t exist.”

    3. “I just want to see the sandwich. The sandwich will answer a lot of questions.”

    4. “Yes, I have eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, probably while in one of my luncheon stupors.”

    5. “If I have a problem, I’ll be the first one to say I’m not fit to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

    6. “I am receiving help from a team of peanut butter and jelly sandwich professionals.”

    7. “Daniel Dale is in my backyard taking pictures. I have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He’s taking pictures of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I don’t want to say that word but you start thinking what this guy is all about.”

    8. “Oh and the last thing was Olivia Gondek, it says that I wanted to eat her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I’ve never said that in my life to her, I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.”

    • Number 8 had be rolling on the floor. All over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

      • Yes 8 was good but I would have changed it to…I would never do that. I’m happily married and have jars and jars of peanut butter and ….Ummmmm peanut butter……

  5. These characterizations are so accurate I feel convinced they come from an outside perspective. Theory: Feschuk is in fact our potential future robot overlord. A scout or maybe an adventurer robot, he has come early to perform intel or just check it all out. Does he warn us of the robot threat to throw us off the trail by mainstreaming and behumourizing the concept or has the entertainment and marvel of human earth become so endearing he’s started to leave hints to us, cloaked in humour to allow deniability? Does even he know which it is? I think this all is very plausibly the work of a conflicted robot lord.

  6. Stephen Harper, postscript

    6. In response to oppostion questions about who actually made the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in question, Paul Calandra rises in QP and shares his grandmother’s recipe for minestrone soup.

    • Best one ever :-)

      • Aw, shucks. Thanks!

  7. We are int he land of Ozawa.

    Harper has no courage. (lots of broken promises to the people)
    Trudeau has no heart. (Charity pays well)
    Mulcair has no brain. (economic idiocracy at its finest)

    MPs and senators munchkins not paying taxes, expense report embezzlement, offshore accounts, inflated contracts and low productivity…..

    And let us not forget the insiders and banks that pull the strings behind the curtain that real run us.

    Lots of government elves retiring at 55 while commoners get less at 67…..and we also get devalued money…..

    But we have the land of Ozawa, so busily supporting Ozawa kids we have so few kids of our own we need to import them.

    In the land of Ozawa. (Have some humour, it is the best medicine). Be sure to vote now as all the results will be the same no mater how you vote in the Ozawa illusion and deception. Like magic, we get tired of Harper they will give us fresh faces and do it all over again.

    • Hey Dave77. stop that. realism sucks when what is needed is jocularity.

  8. Thanks Scott – very insightful and amusing!

  9. Hmmmm, nice pic: a socialist at the trough?

    • If the trough is serving PB&J now, he’s welcome to it.

  10. More, More, please tell us more!!!!

  11. Creeping Americanism! In this country it’s peanut butter and jam, not jelly.

    • I agree. Hate jelly. Except for maybe grape jelly.

  12. Maclean’s Magazine

    Take 1 poorly written article.
    Slap on some artificial peanut butter and high fructose corn syrup jam.
    Wait 2 weeks until it gets mouldy.
    Call it a sandwich.

    Serve to the public.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *