Thank you for participating in the Canadian winter of 2013-14. At Mother Nature Inc., we care about your opinion. Please take a moment to complete this brief survey. Your feedback will help ensure we create an even gloomier winter experience in the years ahead!
1. Overall, which one word most accurately describes your condition as the winter of 2013-14 concludes? (Check one.)
__ Is “constantlydrunk” one word?
2. How long ago does Christmas now seem?
__ Two Christmases ago.
__ Dammit, I still have to take down the lights.
3. Let’s get a better sense of winter’s effect on your mood. Here’s a scenario: You enter a Starbucks and order a tall bold coffee. The barista informs you they’re brewing a fresh pot, which will be ready in 90 seconds or so. How do you respond? (Check one.)
__ “OK, thanks.”
__ “I’ll have an espresso instead.”
__ “I SHALL MURDER YOU WITH MY VERY THOUGHTS!”
4. Of the activities listed below, which did you spend the most time doing during the winter of 2013-14? (Check one.)
__ Staring blankly into the middle distance, overcome by melancholy
__ Fetal-position motionlessness
5. How would you describe the current state of your skin? (Check one.)
__ There’s really no way of knowing until I remove these footy pajamas, and that ain’t happening anytime soon.
6. Which of these classic Canadian moments put the biggest dent in your will to live this year? (Check one.)
__ Thin layer of snow covering treacherous ice patch
__ Thin layer of ice covering deep puddle of slush
__ Conclusion of shovelling, immediately followed by plow depositing wall of snow at driveway’s end
__ Dirt from side of car invariably transferred to parka
__ Cloud of snow inexplicably sucked inside car as door opens
__ Don Cherry
__ Neighbours who go south for the winter and email photos from the golf course, which isn’t very nice but probably doesn’t justify breaking one of their windows to allow that family of raccoons inside
7. Across much of Canada, the elements of winter can be delivered in a variety of combinations and intensities. Which was your least favourite combo from the 2013-14 season? (Check one.)
__ Snow, followed by freezing rain, followed by sleet
__ Sleet, followed by snow, followed by ice pellets
__ Snow, followed by snow, followed by snow
8. Some people claim to love winter and refuse to stop talking about how they embrace the season and hate for it to end. Which object would you prefer to use to torture these people? (Check one.)
__ Ice scraper
__ Ice pick
__ Vanilla Ice
9. At Mother Nature Inc., we’re always on the lookout for new, overdramatic terms to describe our winter weather. For instance, “polar vortex” really caught on this year. Here are some expressions we’re testing for next season. Which ones do you like? (Check all that apply.)
__ Arctic Suplex
__ Flakin’ 2: Icelectic Boog-igloo
On behalf of the Mother Nature Inc.—a wholly owned subsidiary of Google—we’d like to thank you for completing this survey. Your responses will be tabulated and analyzed to ensure that your next winter experience is even more soul-crushing. See you in six months!