Canada under Prime Minister Rob Ford

Scott Feschuk imagines: ‘No more whining, OK? I’ve made mistakes, and I have an after-party to get to.’

Photo illustration by Liz Sullivan

News item: Rob Ford said this week that he wants to run for prime minister.

The year is 2021. A former stripper, recently appointed Governor General by Prime Minister Ford, prepares to deliver the Speech from the Throne. As is custom, the GG and PM share the floor of the Senate. Breaking with convention, the GG is seated on the PM’s lap.

Governor General Busty McKnockers: Honourable senators, members of the House, esteemed waitresses from the Hooters out near the airport, a monkey for some reason, ladies and gentlemen:

We gather to open the second session of the 43rd Parliament. Today, our country stands as a model for the world—admired for our freedom, respected for our values, renowned for a subway line that extends from Scarborough to Winnipeg, providing high-density transit to the scattered hermits of various remote locations.

Your Prime Minister has travelled this land. He has met with ordinary people. He has heard their concerns. And he has returned with a list of women who have “nice cans.” At his insistence, I will read from that list:

  • Amber, a blackjack dealer in Saskatoon.
  • Shannon. Possibly from Guelph, but it’s a little hazy.
  • One chick he saw from his limo. She was eating an ice cream cone, if that helps.
  • I can’t make this one out, because it’s written on the back of a hash-brown wrapper, but I think it says . . . Donna D.D.?

Ford: Your majesticness, that’s double-D Donna. Because, you know . . . [He makes the ample-bosom gesture]. That means her boobs were big.

McKnockers: Nous sommes 35 millions de personnes provenant—

Ford: Hang on, what is that—Polish? Klingon? You’re doing it wrong, your highnessnence. Lemme finish up, OK?

Senators and whoever: I’m tired of all the bellyaching, OK? You’re a bunch of whiners. You whined when I turned Stornoway into my man cave. You whined when I appointed my brother Doug to the Supreme Court—which, in my defence, I thought was a basketball-themed restaurant. You whined when I didn’t know Prince Edward Island was a real thing. As if anyone does.

The opposition is always asking me stupid questions in the House like, “Did you know they don’t allow Zubaz in here?” and “Why has every single one of your state visits as PM been to Jamaica?” Like we can afford to just ignore the world’s 122nd-largest economy!

I’ve made mistakes. I’m human. I probably shouldn’t have got so drunk at that state funeral. But don’t try and tell me you all haven’t thought about doing the Weekend at Bernie’s thing. Once again, I want to extend my best wishes to the widow as the search continues for her husband’s body.

And sure, I probably should have studied before my first G8. I know my words there were embarrassing for everyone, but it honestly never occurred to me Chancellor Merkel might be a woman. Have you seen how she dresses? Anyway, I was totally joking when I later proposed a three-way with her and President Clinton. I’m a married man. I would definitely hit on two younger ladies.

My point is: I’ve never been under the influence of alcohol or drugs at a meeting or any time in office. Not that I can remember, anyway. I know a lot of you are thinking about that incident in New York, but who’s to say I didn’t go into the United Nations with that tattoo already on my face?

The bottom line is I’m tired of the accusations, OK? Just because I am physically and mentally dependent on drugs and alcohol, and I am unable to stop using them, does not mean I am an addict in anything other than the dictionary definition of the term.

Besides, it doesn’t matter what any of you think. The taxpayers like me. They see themselves in me—especially the part where I admit my shortcomings but fail to muster even a half-hearted effort to correct them. By being me, I make you feel better about you!

[Tosses away rest of speech.] You know what? Let’s wrap this up. I’ve got an after-party to get to.

McKnockers: Honorable senators and MPs, may Divine Providence guide you in your deliberations.

Ford: Divine Providence? If that’s one of your stripper buddies, definitely bring her along.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk




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Canada under Prime Minister Rob Ford

  1. The problem is that if this actually happened, it wouldn’t be the most ridiculous thing Ford had done in the last 7 calendar days.

  2. Ford Nation would not mind one bit as long as their taxes were lower.

  3. It is all of a piece.

  4. The comment by MADSPIC is correct. I don’t live in Toronto but anyone who can run a city of millions WHILE HAMMERED AND ON CRACK can run this whole nation better then any member of the Liberal Party. I bet we’d be out of debt in two years with him in charge.

    • You sir, are an idiot.

      • You’re obviously a leftie who enjoys being taxed to death.

    • I’m sure if I sold all your furniture and other belongings I could throw you a pretty good party tonight.

      Of course, tomorrow you’d have nowhere to sleep or sit or do anything else but stare at your empty walls, but hey, why think about the future?

      • Well let’s just cancel some power plants and let my Grand Kids pay that off. Goooooooo Liberal!

        • Wioth Hudak falling over himself to line-up behind that particular project, you’ll note.

    • Except the current national government is Conservative. Are you implying that the Conservatives are not running the government well right now? We could have been out of debt if the Conservative had listened to the economist and not cut the GST but instead had cut our income tax.

      • If your were from Ontario, you would’ve gotten that last comment. I wasn’t implying anything. I was stating a simple fact. The Provincial Liberals have nearly bankrupted us and every single person in Ontario right now owes about $20K – my kids have all been born into debt because our politicians here can’t say no to the public sector unions, can’t say no their friends and worst of all, can’t even make decisions without starting up useless committees full of over paid “experts” who have usually already decided what they’d like to do with the public purse in the first place

  5. Because we all know how fiscally responsible the Tories have been. ^ Idiot.

  6. Poor Busty couldn’t even read the speech properly. It was the 58th Parliament, the number being so high because of Harper’s 13 pro-rogues in six days during 2016 in his last minority government.

    And although the subway line does go all the way to Winnipeg, it STILL only stops at the Scarborough Town Centre.

    • Harper won’t even have a job in a few months after the next election…

      • Before you start making brilliant electoral predictions, you might want to be aware that there won’t be an election till 2015.

        • Your point? You really think free trade, social conservatism or spying on Canadians is going to turn the tide in favour of Prime Minister Robocalls?

  7. Busty McKnockers for GG? Ford really is dumb. Chesty LaRue was by far the superior choice for this important role.

  8. Chesty LaRue?! What about Hootie McBoob?!

  9. The Governor General Busty McKnockers is too much of a stretch. Realistically Rob would have his brother in as Governor General and only Conservatives would be allowed any sort of legal representation until Canadians overthrew them…

  10. This evening I chatted with a man at a bus stop in Zurich, Switzerland. When I told him I was from Toronto, he said, “I pity you. This Ford is a big idiot, no?”
    I replied, “Yes. and Canadians are embarrassed!”

    • Amused, curious, but not embarrassed. Then again, I’m not from Toronto. Don’t worry folks. This too shall pass.

    • Hillbillys would never be embarrassed with Ford. In fact, they probably look up to him.

  11. Harper is a wolf in sheeps clothing he has been a part of many wrong doings he has just covered them up better does this make him better?

  12. The only thing missing in this picture are his horns…

  13. This Ford Nation chapter makes me think to be part of the Conservative Party. It’s not just too embarrassing but it’s potentially dangerous as a political precedent. Just take a look to a Clown Prime Minister did to a country as rich as Venezuela.

  14. The motivation many SEEM to have to retain Rob Ford may well be that they enjoy his ENTERTAINMENT VALUE.
    IS Toronto as boring as that?!

  15. Sounds like our current pm, minus all the women but with his own brand of slaves (mps) hanging around.

  16. As PM, Ford would decriminalize pot and put Lisi in charge. He’d extend the Scarborough subway line to Ottawa. He’d take calls from citizens across the country then fly to make sure the pot hole was fixed. He’d make sure his brother Doug is well housed, at 25 Sussex Drive. Friday would completely be dedicated to improving the PM’s French, ending well into the night on Gatineau’s Main strip. Many things would happen if Rob’s dream came true.

  17. It’s all part of our continuing Canadian conspiracy to take over the entire American entertainment industry. We’ve got music and Hollywood. With Ford as PM we would own late-night TV forever.

  18. You know he is heading to reality TV or some FOX News show in the US. He will be a reality TV celebrity and then likely get beat up often and then overdose. Tragic, but I am sure he will enjoy every minute of it.

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