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Congratulations from Stephen Harper — (did he mention that he’s awesome?)

Given the spirit of the Conservative response to Trudeau’s victory, let’s imagine what the PM might say next


 
Congratulations, have we talked about me?

Photo Illustration by Taylor Shute

Because the Conservatives are super-classy, they released a statement congratulating Justin Trudeau on winning the Liberal leadership. Here it is (for real) in its entirety:

“We congratulate Justin Trudeau on becoming Liberal leader.

“Stephen Harper has an Economic Action Plan that has created 900,000 new jobs since the recession, the best job creation record in the G7. He’s lowered taxes, such as the GST, and increased support for families with measures like the Universal Child Care Benefit.

“Justin Trudeau may have a famous last name, but in a time of global economic uncertainty, he doesn’t have the judgment or experience to be Prime Minister.”

Go back and read it again. The Conservatives were very nuanced about it—but did you notice the statement wasn’t actually so much about congratulating Trudeau as it was about not doing that? Pretty sneaky, right? It’s like, “Hey, good for you, YOU TERRIBLE PERSON WHO IS AWFUL AND ALSO SMELLS.”

Then again, I guess Harper has reason to crow, given that—according to his statement—he has personally created 900,000 new jobs for Canadians since we had the recession he said we couldn’t have because we hadn’t already had it. That’s about 740 new jobs per day created by one man and his plan. Where does the guy find time to watch TV? Let us together call on businesses across Canada to relieve the Prime Minister of this onerous, solitary burden and finally start creating a few jobs of their own.

In the meantime, building on the gracious spirit of the Conservative response to Trudeau’s victory, let’s look ahead to future messages of “congratulations” from Stephen Harper and his party:

April 21, 2013: “We congratulate Justin Bieber on winning Album of the Year at the 2013 Juno Awards.

“Stephen Harper plays piano and is awesome at it and could have been a super-huge big-time rock star if only he hadn’t selflessly decided to forever change Canada by lowering the GST somewhat and doing other ‘governmenty’ stuff. Additionally, it is a well-known fact that Anne Frank prized substance over style. Rather than a ‘Belieber,’ she would more likely have been a fan of the person who recently concluded foreign-investment protection agreements with both Senegal and Tanzania. That’s right—she’d have been a ‘BeStever.’

“Justin Bieber may have 38 million Twitter followers, untold riches and the panting, wide-eyed affection of every girl in a training bra, but in a time of global uncertainty, Stephen Harper was totally popular in high school no matter how it looks from his yearbook photo.

“P.S. Velour was in at the time.”

June 25, 2013: “We congratulate Kim Campbell on the 20th anniversary of becoming the first female prime minister of Canada.

“Stephen Harper has been Prime Minister for 19.7 times as long as Kim Campbell. That’s way longer. For example, if Kim Campbell’s time as prime minister was a single song (probably a lame, sappy one), Stephen Harper’s tenure would at this point be an awesome double concept album about a handsome rogue with perfect, unmoving hair who saves the world from aliens by outsmarting them with his brain thoughts, piano solos and foreign-investment protection agreements with minor African nations.

“Kim Campbell may have lady parts, but in a time of global uncertainty, let’s remember what’s important: 19.7. Haha, did she even unpack? Probably not.”

July 18, 2013: “We congratulate Prince William and the duchess of Cambridge on the birth of their first child.

“Unlike a helpless, parasitic baby, Stephen Harper has the ability to pour his own juice. He can do math, hum in the shower and tie his own shoes (when his personal assistant has a day off). One time in university, he helped a friend haul a sofa bed upstairs and those things weigh about a million pounds. Your move, infant monarch.

“The Queen’s great-grandchild may have a famous family, but in a time of global uncertainty, you know what’s really cute and adorable? The ability to personally create 900,000 jobs out of thin air. Also, that velour sweater from high school. Stephen Harper totally made that thing work.”

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk


 

Congratulations from Stephen Harper — (did he mention that he’s awesome?)

  1. LOL this is funny! So true

  2. We congratulate the guy from Argentina on becoming the new pope.

    Meh! SH was too religious when in school, and would make a great pope if he wasn’t so busy creating 900, 000 jobs, AND beating Justin Trudeau at having nice hair….but he doesn’t have time, and isn’t catholic…but don’t get us going on that. Wearing a funny hat and kissing babies is child’s play compared to ruling the biggest bestest country in the world…[er second biggest country in the world]

  3. This comment was deleted.

    • Eeeeeeeeeeevil elites. LOL you’re too much. You sound like one of those American gun-nuts.

      • Must be a full moon somewhere.

        • What must be is not what is.
          Reality is better than appearance.
          That is the true difference between philosophy and sophistry.

      • Do you have good or bad ears?

    • You love steve almost as much as he does. You sick little puppy.

      • From 1968 until 2006 under the Quebec Regime in Ottawa more than 70 percent of all the dope that entered Canada came from the Port of Montreal and the St. Lawrence Seaway. The evil elites of the eastern establishment did nothing to solve the drug problem in Canada. Facts, as Ronnie used to say, are very inconvenient things. Why not listen to Charbonneau for awhile?
        I love rational political and economic order.
        I love Canada and Conservatism.
        God bless the Prime Minister and Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada.

    • So that’s why Harper is STRENGTHENING ties to China, and Ottawa looks more like a cage fight than a national capital?

      • What is wrong with strengthening some ties to China?
        Perhaps you should get new glasses.

    • So Trudeau represents the “evil elites?” And what Harper the guy who the biggest tax breaks to corporations in the G8 and aides them in hiring foreign workers to replace Canadians is a friend of the little guy? Wake up please from your drug induced hallucinations.

      • Trudeau represents the Montreal Clique. Watch Charbonneau and learn about inferior ruling classes. As for the true difference between scientific and unscientific economics, we will debate. And you will lose and I will win. Some big tax breaks to corporations in the G8 is economic irrationalism? Hiring some foreign workers in Canada is economic irrationalism? Where is the beef? I stand for all Canadians, not just the little guy. I do not take, and never have taken hallucinogens.

    • Chris….I think that you’ve swallowed far too much of Harper’s Kool-Aid!

      • There is a vast difference between what one writes and says one thinks and what one really thinks. Is that really what you think?
        Prove it.

    • I repeat what I said.
      The true revolution happened before our very eyes and few even knew it.
      And today few even know it.
      God bless the Prime Minister and Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada.

      • You, John Henry and Don Willis earned your pay on this article. Just how much is the PM’s office paying anyway? Geesh, with 1500 *paid* trolls making their way across the comments section(s) and social media sites correcting *misinformation* I’m sure you’ve been busy since Trudeau was nominated.

        Keep up the good work, boy’s. Once Justin is elected in 2015 you will *all* be unemployed, thank gawd!!

        • I am not paid by the Conservative Party or the Government of Canada.
          However, should they offer me employment, I will gladly accept.
          I am always available for active service in the warfare against the armies of the devil.

          • “As for the exact distinction between possibility and impossibility, that is your problem not mine.”

            – said the man who is apparently engaged in a religious war and has just put himself into clear context

          • Appearance is not reality.
            Again, where is the rational argument?

      • I agree with you about the revolution. Canada’s 2011 “election” was a coup d’etat. Sneaky, secretive, lying, apparently cheating, CPC. It was a revolution for sure, in the way of tyrants, of oligarchs, despots & dictators. You will be squished like a bug like the rest of Canadians in a sea of asphalt, trying to breath polluted air, drink polluted water because Harper doesn’t think clean water is a Right. Or, maybe you believe if you’re a good boy for Harper you can somehow escape what he’s doing to Canada’s physical condition?

        • Canada’s physical condition?
          I am sorry, run that by me again.
          Is it true that you know that ultimate reality is unknowable?
          The spiritual condition of Canada is very fine.
          Because it is not the case that ultimate political and economic reality is unknowable.

          • Wow. You are actually nuts.

            I mean that in the least of partisan ways.

          • Is that really what you mean?
            Or is that merely what you say that you really mean?
            Move.

    • Wait…WHAT? Is this for real? No one could possibly believe this, could they?

      • What could be is not what is.
        Reality is better than appearance.
        That is the truthful difference between philosophy and sophistry.
        As for the exact distinction between possibility and impossibility, that is your problem not mine.
        God bless the Prime Minister and Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada.

    • “What must be is not what is.”

      See you that. And up you a “What is and what should never be”. Because, surely you’re just, like, huffing a phatty and quoting Robert Plant, right? Like, “And Gollum…and the eeeevil one, crept up and…” Oooooh, no? Whoops. my bad.

      Never mind.

      Perhaps this is a ‘public’ meltdown of breathtaking proportion? Rare, to be sure but awesome, nonetheless. Keep stokin’ that midnight oil!

      Or..seek help?

      • Reality is not appearance.
        In other words, it is not the case that ultimate linguistic reality is unknowable:
        Against the sophists and the inferior ruling class.
        God bless the Prime Minister and Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Queen of Canada.

  4. He can do math?

  5. Ha, a BeStever, just about snorted milk through my nose. Hilarious.

    • BeStever, are you offended?

    • No, this is awesome.

    • No, it is silly. I don’t get it. I was looking for intelligent news, not a just a mockery. Mocking is easy, discussing the issues is takes more thought.

      • Watch Jon Stewart and look up “irony”. It has a purpose. It informs.

      • What do you do when someone tells you a joke? Do you laugh or spit in their face? Just asking.

      • Is it journalism? Is it mockery? No, it’s jockery! Mournalism? Japes and monkeyshines!

    • Humour: That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement: a writer skilled at crafting humour.

      I hear you can buy one at Canadian Tire

    • All a ‘journalist’ needs to do nowadays is write “Steven Harper is a (bad word)” and they get plaudits for their swordsmanship and creativity. Yawn….

  6. Too Funny made my day. Between this article, the spoof on Harpy’s anti Trudeau AD on YouTube it’s safe to say it’s been bad week for the CPC and may it continue so.

  7. Steven Harper is the worst Prime Minister in Canadian history.

    • ohh, but you are forgetting Kim Campbell. And there are studies proving that she was

      • No fair, she wasn’t in long enough to make a mess.

    • But better than all the rest.

  8. Ha ha ha;
    Do you think it more appropriate that Mr Harper drool when he recognized Mr Trudeau’s victory, maybe a 77 gun salute, a national holiday?
    Were there 900,000 jobs created on this watch?
    You must be on a tight time line Scott even your occasional humour bests this by a mile.
    Ha ha ha!

    • A 77 gun salute wasn’t necessary, but is it necessary to abandon all honourable behaviour in favour of constant belligerence? Perhaps the amazing economic and fiscal health of the country he inherited has something if not everything to do with the jobs created? Did he regulate the banks? Did he create 7 years of national debt reduction? NO.

  9. Oh my god, what planet does this man live on…… He and his government are so full of themselves. They are trying to make us more American every day while Obama is trying to make the US more Canadian every day. Will soon be time to move south if this continues.

  10. What utter drival. The sad thing is some people who stumble on this crap about Harper will actually believe this jerk’s attempt at humour. The man is our Prime Minister and deserves just a little bit of respect. Feschuk is not funny and not worth the money Macleans spends on him.

    • I’m a Canadian voter who deserves to be respected by the PM and not treated like a moron who is swayed by never-ending self-congratulatory, specious propaganda. Case in point: constantly taking credit for a great economy WHICH HE INHERITED!

    • Respect? Harper? You have GOT to be kidding!! Stephen Harper is the absolute *worst* PM Canada has ever had. If he wants *any* respect from me he’ll call an early election, because I’m not *convinced* he won the last one “fair and square”. #RoboCalls #ElxnFraud

  11. Justin
    Bieber told U.S. talk show host Ellen DeGeneres it “wasn’t fair” of the Prime
    Minister Stphen Harper to bring flags as a backdrop at the concert to make it
    look like it was an official event at an official venue. Truth be told, Harper and John Baird jumped
    out from behind the bathroom door as Beiber walked down the hockey arena
    hallway.

    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/ottawa-notebook/ahead-of-appearance-at-fihttp://www.cbc.ca/player/News/Politics/ID/2323049169/rst-nations-meeting-how-busy-is-harper/article7172522/

    …………………………..

    • Justin’s casual outfit was a reflection of what most people
      think of Canada’s PM = we have no respect for Harper

      Basically Justin Bieber trolled Harper, but Harper way too
      ego to even know it: The 3 minute
      photo-op with Harper took place at Scotiabank Place where Bieber was performing
      that night in Ottawa. Harper and John
      Baird jumped out from behind a bathroom door and surprised JB at a hockey
      arena.

      The PMO set the whole thing up (nice to see Harper HAD TO GO
      TO the Bieber and ^NOT the other way around… so who REALLY is more popular in
      this scenario and, hence, more “powerful”).

      When Harper and his entourage aka ridiculous security detail
      showed up (wearing suits at a tween concert?), Bieber took some time out of his
      rehearsal/soundcheck to get his medal, pose for a couple of photos and continue
      on with his day. Hence the
      overalls. Nice dis of Harper from JB. Harper and his unelected backroom goons have
      been chasing Bieber for a photo opp for the last 18 months solid. They finally ambushed him when Beibs showed
      up in Ottawa for one night. Apparently
      John Baird invited Biebs back to his house #ewwww

      Where was Harper’s daughter Rachel btw, why wasn’t the tween
      there? Did her dad have a bigger bonar re
      meeting Justin than his own daughter?

      Also, Harper showed up at Beibs’ concert instead of the
      Premiers’ meeting on the economy.
      Crackazz move PM

  12. Evan Solomon just ‘OUTED’ Harper’s LIES on job
    creation record and his temporary foreign workers program on on CBC’s
    Power and Politics .. April 11th 2013

    “Using StatsCan’s numbers Evan showed that only 347,000 of the 900,000 jobs created were actually ‘new jobs’ created by employers, the balance were individuals who became self employed.

    Worse 29%, over 100,000 of those ‘new jobs’ went to people brought in using foreign worker visas.

    When you include the number of Canadians that have CEASED actively
    looking for work of @ 400,000; Canada has actually lost jobs since 2007.

    This exposes the LIE ; by the Crime Minister that is even larger than
    his lie that Canadian Banks never received a ‘bail-out’ and were in good
    financial positions.

    This is a SCANDAL and explains why youth unemployment has stalled at 15% since Harper has taken office.

    Harper has not created employment in Canada but actually has destroyed
    it to favour corporations and forced down wage levels in Canada by using
    Foreigners!

    It’s out of control,” said the former
    executive.“This is really sad because these jobs will never come back,”
    said another Canadian IT contractor who has worked at banks for several
    years.

    “Canadian employers are getting drunk on this.”

    • Justin’s casual outfit was a reflection of what most people
      think of Canada’s PM = we have no respect for Harper

      Basically Justin Bieber trolled Harper, but Harper way too
      ego to even know it: The 3 minute
      photo-op with Harper took place at Scotiabank Place where Bieber was performing
      that night in Ottawa. Harper and John
      Baird jumped out from behind a bathroom door and surprised JB at a hockey
      arena.

      The PMO set the whole thing up (nice to see Harper HAD TO GO
      TO the Bieber and ^NOT the other way around… so who REALLY is more popular in
      this scenario and, hence, more “powerful”).

      When Harper and his entourage aka ridiculous security detail
      showed up (wearing suits at a tween concert?), Bieber took some time out of his
      rehearsal/soundcheck to get his medal, pose for a couple of photos and continue
      on with his day. Hence the
      overalls. Nice dis of Harper from JB. Harper and his unelected backroom goons have
      been chasing Bieber for a photo opp for the last 18 months solid. They finally ambushed him when Beibs showed
      up in Ottawa for one night. Apparently
      John Baird invited Biebs back to his house #ewwww

      Where was Harper’s daughter Rachel btw, why wasn’t the tween
      there? Did her dad have a bigger bonar re
      meeting Justin than his own daughter?

      Also, Harper showed up at Beibs’ concert instead of the
      Premiers’ meeting on the economy.
      Crackazz move PM

    • Thank you…it is just unbelievable what he gets away with pretending to be the truth! When will Canadians wake up…if they fall for these attack ads I will be very upset when the reality of this government is what it is.

    • Oh oh – there goes StatsCan’s budget…..Again.

  13. “Here it is (for real) in its entirety…”

    C’mon Feschuk. What do you take us for? The Harper Conservatives know the meaning of #respect. They would never say something that is a slap in the face to so many Canadians.

  14. Hey! I had a velour shirt in 1966. It was totally cool and stuff.

  15. Sounds like the Conservatives are afraid of someone…

  16. Hey Feschuck, you turn Maclean’s magazine into a high school publication. Your petulant and hateful rant against one of the best PMs in our history shows you to be the juvenile midget that you are. Oh wait! I just realized that Maclean’s IS a high school rag.

    • Your petulant and hateful rant against anyone who dares question Harper’s incessant propaganda and self love must mean you are a Conservative. Care to explain the deficit? Care to explain why he is taking credit for a great economy which he inherited?

      • And by the way, Harper’s constant attack mode mentality was instilled in him by his mentor, Tom Flanagan. Mr. “kiddy porn”, remember?

    • Spoken like a true steel drivin’ man!

  17. Actually Steven Harper has created lots and lots of jobs. Unfortunately they’re for workers in China and India and for foreign workers…..see there really is a Conservative job Action Plan…..I used to think it was just Conservative propaganda paid for with our tax dollars….

  18. Can you imagine our debt and deficit if the libs or socialist were running our government over the past 8 years?
    Stats don’t lie – our country is doing better during these bad economic times than every other country. And that’s a fact!

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