The date: Oct. 27, 2014. The scene: the re-election headquarters of Rob Ford. The mayor, perspiring and unsteady, begins speaking.
Rob Ford: WOOOOOO!!!! Tonight I have been re-elected by the biggest mudslide in the history of the world! I LOVE YOU DEMOCRACY!!!! I want to touch you all over!
OK, hang on, I gotta be classy now for a minute. I want to congratulate all my opponents for losing. Along the way, I said some things that maybe I’m not too proud of. Olivia, I called you a “dumb, shrieking foreigner”—and it’s possible I was wrong about probably 33 per cent of that. John, I think I may have said you had “lady parts.”
But you know what? Lots of things were said during the campaign. Several things were shouted. A few things were tattooed onto my neck. I don’t remember asking the guy to put the entire family from Duck Dynasty there, but I guess it’s my fault for passing out.
Anyway, the point is—I won! I’m mayor again! FOUR MORE BEERS! FOUR MORE BEERS! Toronto, I am humbled that your faith in my innocence stayed strong despite all the innuendo and allegations and irrefutable visual evidence. I want you to know: I will treat this office with the respect it deserves and I will always make you proud.
[He removes his shirt.]
I gotta thank my wife for standing beside me. And I mean that literally. Renata, you stood there for a whole bunch of apology press conferences. Last year, when I made you come to that one about “getting enough to eat at home,” you told me you couldn’t be any more embarrassed. But 2014 proved you wrong. You’re the best, honey.
[He stumbles over and hugs a ficus tree.]
I love 2014! The only bad part was my trip to Mexico during spring break, which was totally ruined because I couldn’t shake that Conrad Black guy. Worst wingman in history. Newsflash, buddy: College chicks don’t want to hear about Roosevelt’s bowel problems, OK?
Winning this election wasn’t easy, Ford Nation. My opponents made a lot of noise about me being involved in illegal activities. And I was clear. I said, “If all that stuff really happened, show us the videotape. Where are the videos?” And they did show us the videos. So many videos. And I was like, “I don’t even know what a Vine is!”
Listen, you people know me. I’m not a sophisticated guy. I’m not a smart guy. I’m not a reliable guy. I’m not the kind of guy you’d ever trust to watch your house or take care of your dog. And again, my condolences to my neighbours on the passing of Fluffy, and I guess next time, maybe tell me your mutt doesn’t know to get out of the way of a lawn mower.
I’ll admit that I struggled in the first campaign debate—though I still think that had more to do with the video connection cutting in and out. It was as though they’d never had to beam in a candidate from jail. Amateur hour or what?
Looking back, I think the turning point of the whole campaign came during the second debate. That’s when I offered to take a drug test, right there and then. It was a great moment. Yes, I failed that drug test, and several more. But I learned an important lesson: Those cups they make you pee in should be wider.
[Suddenly, there is a sound. Distant knocking can be heard. The mayor continues speaking.]
That day, I made a commitment to the little guy. I promised that I would continue to fulfill the roles and the duties of mayor from the very moment I was granted day parole!
[More knocking. A door is pushed open and two men enter what is revealed to be a small dressing room. They see Rob Ford in full bluster, giving a speech to a terrified janitor.]
Adviser (quietly): He’s down by 20 points. It’s over. He needs to get out there and give his concession speech.
Doug Ford: Let’s give him one more minute. He’s on a roll.
[They exit, closing the door.]
Rob Ford: People of Toronto, I will never forget the parts of this campaign that I remember! Four years ago, I got elected by saying I’d stop the gravy train at city hall. And you know what? Gravy is delicious. FOUR MORE BEERS! FOUR MORE BEERS!
[He trips over a mop and lands on a coffee table. The janitor applauds and exits.]
Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk