From vacations to staycations to bobraecations

We’ve arrived at the season for road trips, relaxation and getting away from it all—except from Facebook and Twitter, because how else will we let everyone know that we’ve gotten away from it all?

The time available for Canadian summer escapades is famously brief. The pressure to make the most of it is intense. What type of reinvigorating respite will you choose to pursue during the next two months? There are many options:

Vacation—Summer arrives and millions rush to the cottage, an amazing, magical place where Canadians can wind down, have a beer, commune with nature, fix the water pump, hang out with friends, fix the dock, fix the goddamn screen door, maybe get up early to go fishing and aw, Christ, the water pump’s broken again?? That does it—we’re selling this stupid, magical place.

Daycation—Why pay for a hotel when there’s so much to do close to home? And don’t worry—you won’t miss out on any part of the traditional vacation experience. With the proper preparation, many of today’s kids are now capable of packing a whole week’s worth of whining into a single 90-minute car ride.

Staycation—We can have a vacation right here at home and it’ll be every bit as fun as going to Disney World, Mom declares to a skeptical audience.

Overstaycation—This term describes the time-honoured Canadian tradition of telling your friends you’ll be crashing with them for just a couple of nights and then—boom—suddenly a week has passed. If the cottage is swanky enough, it’s worth the accusing stares and hostile muttering.

Dismaycation—Every teenager’s perspective on any vacation they’re ever forced to take with their family.

Praycation—Once, just this once, oh Lord, please, please, please make sure that Dad forgets to bring the Speedo.

Straycation—You can try using this term, but eventually your spouse is going to figure out that you mean you’ve been having an affair.

Oyveycation—Your Jewish grandmother would like you to know she’s aghast that you’re wearing such a skimpy swimsuit to the beach. And also would it kill you to maybe wash your feet and not bring so much sand inside?

Cabernetcation—Nothing enables Mommy to get away from the stress of modern life more quickly, cheaply and completely than a bottle and a half of red.

J.J.cation—An island vacation that starts out amazing but goes on too long and ends in confusion when it becomes apparent that no one has any plan for the final week of the vacation and, come on, really, a giant cork that keeps the island from being destroyed? Seriously?

Naivetécation—Having never before booked a cottage online, Dad was unaware that “cozy rustic cabin” is Internet shorthand for “shack overrun by raccoons.”

Bobraecation—You try to enjoy a fun summer getaway with your family but everyone keeps reminding you of that one disastrous vacation you booked back in the early ’90s.

Lanadelraycation—A vacation that’s so overhyped that the backlash begins even before the car pulls out of the driveway.

Petermackaytion—Drive to a remote location. Hike even further into the wilderness. Wait patiently for a lift home at taxpayer expense.

Michaelbaycation—A getaway that costs $300 million and you spend most of it just wishing it would end.

Elizabethmaycation—Sure, water-skiing and tubing look like fun, but do you have any idea of the environmental impact caused by motor fuels leaking into our waterways? And these hamburgers—delicious, but the emissions from charcoal and other pollutants are contributing to a sharp increase in, listen, why don’t we sit down and I’ll take you through some of the data in this pamphlet . . .

50shadesofgreycation—Sometimes, spending two weeks together as a family qualifies as torture.