Hands off! Breasts are my areas of expertise

Did you read our magazine’s recent feature on the growing popularity of “breastaurants?” It described a new generation of Hooters-like “mammary-centric casual dining chains” at which female servers wear the skimpiest of attire. I’m sure the article said other things, too, but I got distracted by the photo.

These restaurants have names like the Tilted Kilt and Twin Peaks—decent monikers, I suppose, but perhaps a tad subtle when your eatery aims to be renowned not for rack of lamb but for rack of waitress. You may as well be bold about it. I’m just brainstorming here but how about Dr. McKnockers’ Funtime Boobery? Kids gawk for free.

Anyway, the article about “breastaurants” did very well on our website. VERY WELL INDEED. It seems that discerning readers like to devote time to a penetrating analysis of emerging trends in the food-service industry assuming there’s a load of boob mentions.

How predictable! For years, we in the media have used titillation and barely covered lady parts to coax readers into buying our magazines and visiting our websites. And I for one find this a deplorable tactic, in that it’s likely to provide competition for my brand-new feature: This Week in Breasts.

Topping tonight’s boob news . . .

1. There’s a new book out that begins with a paragraph of nicknames for the female protruding organs: “Funbags. Boobsters. Chumbawumbas. Dingle bobbers. Dairy pillows. Jellybonkers. Nim nums.”

I know what you’re thinking: a teenage boy wrote a memoir of his every waking thought? No, it’s Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History—which itself got a nice splash last week in Maclean’s, part of our new effort to be boob comprehensive. The book is a serious examination of the female anatomy—one that explores evolutionary questions and reveals that the breasts of women today are the largest in recorded history. Apparently, “the average-sized breast for an American woman is now a C cup and certain lingerie stores sell sizes from H to KK.” Sadly, the book is silent on urgent questions such as why this is happening and whether you can see into these lingerie stores from the street.

2. The company behind those Girls Gone Wild DVDs is trying to overturn a verdict that awarded nearly $6 million to a St. Louis woman who claims her bare bosom was recorded without permission. Tamara Favazza was a 20-year-old college student when someone lifted her tank top during a party, exposing her breasts. The sequence was filmed and Favazza later discovered it was part of the Girls Gone Wild “Sorority Orgy” series. In his ruling, the judge declared, “I love this job.”

3. In its billboard advertising campaign for The Client List, a TV network has digitally altered the breasts of star Jennifer Love Hewitt to make them appear smaller. Yes, smaller. Apparently, the mainstream television industry has reached George Costanza levels of desperation and in the search for higher ratings they’re now just going to do the opposite of everything they’ve ever done. Imagine if this had happened in the 1990s: there would have been a black guy on Friends.

4. There’s buzz on the Web that singer Taylor Swift has had a breast augmentation. According to Hollywoodlife.com, “a top body language expert believes that Taylor actually doesn’t feel good with her new bust!” This revelation raises an important question: how does one establish oneself as a top body language expert? Is there some sort of playoff system? And who exactly pays these people for what they do? Here’s your $10,000—I knew that kid was lying about not finishing my box of Mallomars!

5. Some parents are ticked at Lego over the company’s new line of “Friends” building blocks, which are targeted at young girls. It seems the female figurines have pert breasts and rather shapely curves. They wear makeup and miniskirts. Months after being released, these loose-looking “LadyFigs” are proving to be a big hit with young girls and my son’s army men.

Now personally, I don’t see anything wrong with crudely sexualizing a few pieces of plastic. How else would the Kardashian sisters make a living? But a feminist organization is irked that while Lego men pilot spaceships and drive race cars, Lego ladies are expected to get their nails done and spend time together in hot tubs. On the other hand, things are shaping up nicely for the debut DVD in the Lego Girls Gone Wild series.