Forget those missing stockpiles of precious, precious gold – the real mystery baffling the capital this morning is Who Stole Mike Duffy’s Precious, Non-Partisan Independence?
The newly minted Senator swears he just had it on him!
While we wait for Scooby and the gang to pull up in the Mystery Machine, let’s review the facts of the case as we understand them:
1. We all know that Mike Duffy totally didn’t want to be appointed to the Senate. He said so himself. Sure, absolutely everyone in Ottawa talked for years about how he was openly angling for the job – but what does absolutely everyone know?
2. We all know that Mike Duffy definitely didn’t want to sit in the Senate as a Conservative. He said so himself. He wanted to be an independent. Sure, absolutely everyone in Ottawa talked for years about how he used his television program to openly shill for the Conservative government – but what does absolutely everyone know?
So a reluctant Mike Duffy graciously deigned to serve – and what does he get for his trouble (other than an office, a travel budget, a generous salary, a healthy pension and a gig as the Ron Popeil to Stephen Harper’s Veg-o-Matic)? He gets his independence swiped!
And the thieves sure were thorough, because there isn’t so much as a hint of any lingering independent thought. Consider this latest bit of evidence – a recounting of a recent session with members of the Fraser Institute. Check out the part where Duffy praises Stephen Harper’s Conservative government for being “prescient” in “shutting down” 40-year mortgages in Canada. Left unobserved by the good senator: it was Stephen Harper’s Conservative government that started up 40-year mortgages in Canada. Verily, it takes a special brand of “prescience” to create the menace you’ll later take credit for eliminating.
Poor Mike Duffy. Without his valued independence, the Senator has absolutely no choice but to behave in the most partisan of manners. He is utterly helpless, his lips drawn toward the Prime Ministerial posterior like Charlie Sheen’s hands toward a heaving bosom.
Consider this excerpt from the account of Duffy’s session with those Fraser Institute folks:
When questioned about the uneven reputation of the Prime Minister for openness Mr. Duffy defended the Conservatives and did not see any problem. Many in the audience disagreed. An animated discussion broke out at the end of the speech about Mr. Harper’s communication style or lack thereof. The senator took sides with unquestioned support of the Conservatives and Mr. Harper. Recounting his recent travels with the Prime Minister in close contact for a week he said he was very impressed with Mr. Harper’s down-home personality. Some wanted him to take special training to improve his public charisma. Mr. Duffy did not join this chorus and seemed more comfortable with the adage, “Beware of charisma….While the charismatic has an uncanny outside source of strength, the authentic is strong because he is what he seems to be.” The Prime Minister is a “radically normal” person, concludes Mr. Duffy. Prime Minister Harper works very hard and likes to spend time with his family Saturday night rather than hobnobbing at dinners with the wealthy in Toronto or Vancouver.
To recap: “…defended the Conservatives and did not see any problem… took sides with unquestioned support of the Conservatives and Mr. Harper… very impressed with Mr. Harper’s down-home personality… Harper works very hard… Harper is unfailingly masculine yet has wonderfully soft hands (I invented this last one, but it feels like he was heading in this direction)…”
Attention person who stole Mike Duffy’s independence: Behold the partisan monster that you alone created! Please, on behalf of Canadians everywhere – and especially aspiring sycophants who fear they will never, ever be able to match this otherworldly level of arsesmoochery – please return the Senator’s independence at once.