It’s his moxie. His moxie!
Scott Feschuk Last week: 7-7 Season: 38-34-4
Scott Reid Last week: 5-9 Season: 34-38-4
San Diego (minus 8.5) at St. Louis
Feschuk: San Diego had two punts blocked last week against Oakland and I know I’m not alone in blaming Michael Ignatieff. Get off your goddamn bus and block a man, eyebrows! The New York Times is calling San Diego “the best 2-3 team you’ll ever see,” and you can understand why: the Chargers are first in the league in offence, second in defence and third behind only Dallas and Minnesota in coaches who during critical late-game moments look as though they’re trying to remember the words to a song by Tony Orlando and Dawn. Pick: San Diego.
Reid: Twice on the pipes – if you ain’t gonna show… I LOVE that rascal Tony Orlando. Such a smile! Although I’m more inclined to think that San Diego’s troubles are the fault of Bob Rae – with his twittering, just beneath the surface ways. He’s the Shawne Merriman of federal politics. Always putting self before team. Sam Bradford had some problems last week, what with the failing and the getting beaten thoroughly. This would be the right time to turn things around. It would also be the perfect time to give up and start to suck like a Dirt Devil. Pick: San Diego.
New Orleans (minus 4.5) at Tampa Bay
Reid: I’m not saying Drew Brees played poorly last week but after the game eHarmony sent him a text introducing him to his new compatibility match: Alex Smith. Obviously, something is very wrong in New Orleans. It begins with Robert DeNiro pretending to be the devil and ruining the joy of eating hard-boiled eggs. But there are some on-field problems as well. They’re the proud owners of the worst rushing attack in the league. Bush is injured. But good news is on its way. First, we hear reports that Bush and Kim Kardashian have reconciled. Second, Julius Jones has been signed to help out the running game. That gives them two additional great big bums. Pick: New Orleans.
Feschuk: Hmm, that’s the second eHarmony joke we’ve done in two weeks and still they’re not throwing money at us. Do you ever wonder why we don’t have any sponsors for our blog? I always figured we’d quickly attract the interest of some entity that’s trying to reach people who are deeply interested in all-American pursuits, the sporting life and rampant homoeroticism. Maybe I’ll put in a cold call to the Republican Party. Pick: New Orleans.
K.C. (plus 4.5) at Houston
Feschuk: How the hell are we supposed to pick a game involving the Texans? They beat Indy and Washington but got crushed by Dallas and the Giants. They’re stout against the run but dead last in the league against the pass, which is unsettling when you consider the league still technically includes the Seahawks. But wait: K.C. is lousy with the pass – 27th overall. Luckily, I have a photographic memory of all the important things I learned in Grade 11 physics, so I know that when an easily stoppable force meets an entirely moveable object, the outcome is that Jennifer Whipp’s rear end looks awesome in those lavender corduroys. Pick: Houston.
Reid: If Matt Cassell did any less to help his team win, he’d have to change his name to Lawrence Cannon. K.C.’s defence plays roughly 112 per cent of the downs in any given game and Cassell thinks they can hit 125 with just a little more effort. Both these teams like to drop games they should win. Sort of like the Liberal Party of Canada. Pick: Houston.
Atlanta (plus 3) at Philadelphia
Reid: What exact evidence is there that Roddy White hasn’t been sent from the future by James Cameron and can do practically anything with his android-y body? He’s on track for ten touchdowns and 1,500 yards receiving. He draws opposing defences. He even forces game-turning fumbles by San Francisco – then again, who doesn’t? I don’t want to see him lining up against Sean McDermott’s defense. I want to see him and Robert Patrick fight hand-to-hand. In Philly, they’re all abuzz about Kevin Kolb’s resurrection and what it means for Michael Vick’s resurrection. They’re going to need a little something more than power over life and death to beat this Falcons’ squad. Pick: Atlanta.
Feschuk: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this game and I’ve reached the conclusion that I quite like Andy Reid’s moustache. It’s a man’s moustache – all thick and prickly and overflowing with intrigue, machismo and sandwich crusts.
Who really knows what’s been lost in Andy Reid’s moustache – donut sprinkles, coffee grounds, a team of brave but disoriented sherpas? It’s so dense that I bet Andy uses it to store his two favourite snacks: Snickers bars and leprechauns. Pick: Atlanta.
Baltimore (plus 3) at New England
Feschuk: With Randy Moss gone and Deion Branch back in the fold, a lot of people are now describing the Patriots’ offence as “dink and doink” – but I think that’s unfair because I was hoping to make that the new nickname for T.O. and Ochocinco. I was tempted to take the Patriots here because Wes Welker is such a gamer – but their defensive line looks porous, their secondary looks vulnerable and Tom Brady looks at the photos you keep sending him, Reid, and thinks to himself: “Now there’s a guy who just doesn’t have the body for fishnet stockings.” Pick: Baltimore.
Reid: Until he de-friends me, I can only assume that he likes what he sees. In other news, word that the loonie is trading above the American greenback is explained by the Federal Reserve as a consequence of “quantitative easing.” Which is the same phrase used to explain the Pats’ defensive line and what happens to CBC’s audience when Mark Kelly comes on TV. Still, one game does not an offence make. I’m not convinced that Flacco can outgun Brady. Pick: New England.
Detroit (plus 10) at New York Giants
Reid: New York Giants: You might beat Matt Stafford on the football field. But good freaking luck picking out his Christmas present. This is a man who truly has everything.
Pick: New York.
Feschuk: As was true for most people, the heart-warming spectacle of 33 Chilean miners finally being rescued made me ponder and reflect on a number of deep and important questions, such as how long Tom Coughlin would have lasted down there before everyone else killed and ate him. Twenty minutes? I’m going to say twenty minutes. Pick: Detroit.
Miami (plus 3.5) at Green Bay
Feschuk: The Dolphins and Packers: an intense, historic rivalry that dates back all the way to the beginning of this sentence. This one comes down to whether Aaron Rodgers plays and, if he does play, whether his concussion-wracked brain is in any condition to quickly process which receiver is open, which lineman is blitzing and which Brett Favre wang joke he should tell in the huddle. Pick: Miami.
Reid: I’d probably start with the one about the bend in the middle. Or how about: “What’s red and soft and emailed all over?” Then again, it’s tempting to opt for, “Maxime Bernier and Brett Favre’s johnson walk into a bar. They approach the bartender and say at the same time, ‘I’ll have one of whatever the dick’s drinking.’” Pick: Green Bay.
Seattle (plus 7) at Chicago
Reid: Word is that Cutler will start against Seattle after back-up Todd Colins threw for a total of 32 yards, was picked off four times and dropped Mike Martz’s hand mirror. In statistical terms, he notched a 6.2 passer rating – the lowest score on anything ever recorded since the most recent airing of Jimmy Fallon’s talk show. Yet still, the Bears managed to beat Carolina. In an unrelated matter, God gave an exclusive interview to Morley Safer and confirmed that he hates Carolina – also Lou Dobbs and people who Facebook about their cats. Pick: Chicago.
Feschuk: Esquire named its Sexiest Woman Alive this week and once again Pete Carroll was snubbed. Society just doesn’t appreciate unconventional cheekbone structure and a feminine follow-through.
Instead, Esquire gave the prestigious honour to Minka Kelly from Friday Night Lights, who’s never even coached in a BCS game.
To be fair to Pete (Carol) Carroll, experts believe the contest came down to wardrobe. The coach favours golf shirts and sweat suits that play down his womanly assets. Whereas his rival went in a slightly different direction…
I think Brett Favre just texted all over himself, if you catch my drift. (Drift: Masturbation.)
Cleveland (plus 13) at Pittsburgh
Feschuk: “His conditioning is not a concern at all and if you lay eyes on him you’ll understand what I’m talking about,” Mike Tomlin was saying about Ben Roethlisberger. “He’s in great physical shape. He looks fabulous.” Keep talking like that, mister, and you’re going to earn yourself three unforgettable minutes in a washroom stall with ol’ No. 7. The Browns aren’t that terrible and could normally be relied on to cover this big spread, except for one thing: it looks as though Colt McCoy will get the start at QB on account of afflictions being suffered by Seneca Wallace (ankle sprain) and Jake Delhomme (throws like a girl). Pick: Pittsburgh.
Reid: I think all quarterbacks should be named Colt. Just like I think all strippers should be named Crystal. Speaking of strippers, I am betting Big Ben (not to be confused with ‘At-best-average Brett’) puts in an ok showing. I also expect the Steelers defence to feast on Cleveland’s offensive line like Jann Arden on white curds. Pick: Pittsburgh.
Oakland (plus 6.5) at San Francisco
Reid: What can you say about the Niners season that hasn’t already been said about the slow and painful death that comes from mercury poisoning? How bad has it gotten? The fans were chanting for David Carr. That’s like shouting Susan Boyle off the stage so you can hear from Martina McBride. On the sideline, Mike Singletary looked about as in control of the situation as Michael Lohan. Experts insist that the Niners could still climb back into contention because of the weakness of their schedule and the anemic state of the NFC West. Are these the same experts that just greenlit a return to deepsea drilling in the Gulf of Mexico? Pick: San Francisco.
Feschuk: The Niners are 0-5 – the quarterback stinks, the team is in disarray and the coach has lost his mind. Naturally, this prompted team president Jed York to text an ESPN reporter and guarantee the 49ers will win the NFC West. The weird thing is that he might actually be right. The team currently in first place (the Cardinals) has somehow won three of five games despite giving up 50 more points than they’ve scored. And San Fran’s remaining schedule looks something like this: Seattle, St. Louis, Oakland, Seattle, the Little Rascals, my Aunt Linda’s bridge club, a Pile of Laundry, a Smaller Pile of Laundry and Arizona. Still, how can an 0-5 basket case be a touchdown favourite against a team that can actually tell its ass from a Chilean mineshaft? Pick: Oakland.
New York Jets (minus 3) at Denver
Feschuk: Sure, the Jets are coming off a tough win against Minnesota, the game went late, and they had to fly across the country. But they’re 4-1 and they lead the league in point differential (at plus 54). Meanwhile, the Broncos couldn’t rush the ball behind a cow catcher and they’re coached by a cast member from Glee.
Pick: New York.
Reid: Can you say trap game? The Jets haven’t had a fumble the whole season. Their defence is playing hard. Sanchez has the confidence of a 1989-esque Hasselhoff and Revis is back on the field. I’d say something terrible has to happen. Like a dumb loss – or maybe forgetting to tape the season finale of Mad Men. Denever is so used to underperforming it’s thinking of running to be leader of the Liberal Party. So you could argue they’re due. Of course, just because it’s a trap doesn’t mean you have to walk into it. Pick: New York.
Dallas (plus 1.5) at Minnesota
Reid: I’ve always thought that when a girl plays hard to get, it’s time to start sending her up-close photos of your bait and tackle. On the field, Favre may be guided by pure instinct but off the field he appears to be a careful thinker. Shrewd strategies designed to achieve maximum impact. That’s what I take away from this entire Deadspin affair. And like Wade Phillips, I look forward to seeing how Tony Romo blows this game in the fourth quarter. Pick: Minnesota.
Feschuk: Favre got nailed in the bag with a pigskin during practice this week, and that’s not even a euphemism. Clearly, the football gods are taking rare pleasure in delivering the gunslinger’s comeuppance. The video of Favre taking one in the tenders was funny enough on its own, but even funnier in this treatment by the folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber.
Indianapolis (minus 3) at Washington, Sunday night
Feschuk: Sit back, make yourself comfortable and marvel as for the first time this season I attempt to forecast the outcome of an NFL game using actual logic instead of intuition, sorcery, monkeys, flipped quarters or – as was responsible for my Carolina pick last week – flipped monkeys (Curse you, Mr. Bananas! You know the Panthers have no offensive cohesion!):
- The Washington Redskins rank 30th in the league against the pass.
- The Indianapolis Colts rank first in the league in having a quarterback named Peyton Manning.
- That is all.
Reid: Donovan McNabb reminds me of Rob Ford: He’s winning despite all reason to the contrary. Like Ford, I suspect the good times are about to come to an abrupt end for Donovan. Unlike Ford, I think McNabb should disarm his critics by adopting an adorable nickname. Like Standystill or Trademe. Manning is going to beat the Skins like John Bonham beat the drums. Pick: Indianopolis.
Tennessee (minus 3) at Jacksonville, Monday night
Reid: If Jacksonville can score thirty-six points on Buffalo, what’s the limit against Tennessee? Nine? Three? Minus 27? Ryan Fitzpatrick (still the funniest punchline ever to a gay-Scottish joke) looked good for the first quarter against Jacksonville. So Vince Young should be entitled to about six. Expect Jacksonville’s defence to stumble off the field looking like the final scene from Bonnie and Clyde. Pick: Tennessee.
Feschuk: Anyone waking up from a coma right now would have no choice but to assume they’ve been magically transported to another dimension wherein up is down and left is right – a backwards kind of place in which Sarah Jessica Parker is regarded as physically appealing and the nameless, working-class Jags are somehow 3-2. This is a scary and unsettling alternate reality – although with everything reversed it is going to be nice to hear Terry Bradshaw speaking English . Pick: Tennessee.
Can’t Miss NFL Picks and Other Lies is written by Maclean’s columnist Scott Feschuk and Scott Reid, former senior advisor to Prime Minister Paul Martin.
Week 6 Byes: Bills, Bengals, Panthers, Cardinals, Brett Favre’s sex life with the missus.