Olympic Mailbag: Lindsey Vonn, Brian Boitano, The Sasquatch

Also: Baby seals!

by Scott Feschuk

Welcome to the second Olympic mailbag, where, fine, I’ll be the one to ask even though we’re all thinking it: What would it take for our ice dancing gold medalists to make out just a little bit in front of us all on TV? I’m only talking about second base (unless it happens after 10 p.m.). They’re very pretty. Do it for your country, you selfish brats.

The following questions were actually submitted by actual readers. Remember – there’s no such thing as a stupid question, unless the question is: Should I pull my goalie after he’s given up four goals in a single period or should I wait til he’s surrendered six and the game is completely out of reach?

•••

Dear Scott:

I heard that Lindsey Vonn tweeted about you today. What did she say again? – museme

museme –

Actually, that tweet was about her shin, though it’s easy to see how you could be confused: I, too, am tender beyond belief and painful to live with.

•••

Dear Scott:

Given the newfound popularity of “cross” sports, when do you expect we’ll see the Skeleton Cross, and will you be participating? – Thwim

Thwim –

You know what I’d like to see? Biathlon cross. Every time they got to the shooting range, it would be like the climax of Bonnie and Clyde. In fact, why don’t we “cross” every event? Launch four Norwegians off the ski jump at once. Throw four curling stones at once. Get four Ben Mulroneys breathlessly covering the Olympic party scene, and then push all of them in front of four speeding bobsleds. That’s something we can all enjoy.

Watching the TV coverage of ski cross – synopsis: like demolition derby, but with stoners – I couldn’t help but wonder: Do you ever get the feeling that members of the International Olympic Committee don’t really care about the Winter Games? Not as many nations. Not as many marquee events. Plus it’s cold so their hookers show up wearing snow pants. And that’s nobody’s idea of a turn-on (exception: Santa Claus).

Basically, 90% of the IOC’s focus is on the Summer Games, right? And then every so often someone comes along with the idea to add some bizarre sport to the Winter Olympics, and Jacques Rogge is just sitting there, like a Dad trying like hell to watch the hockey game but his pestering kids won’t leave him alone, so he pretends to listen and nods a couple times and all of a sudden we’ve got ski cross in the Olympics.

I’m pretty sure this is how it actually works. Or I hope so, at least, because 2014 is coming and I’d hate to have wasted all the time I’ve invested training for Freestyle Flagpole Licking.

•••

Dear Scott:

What would Brian Boitano do? – M. Brodeur

M. –

I’m sure he’d kick and ass or two. That’s what Brian Boitano’d do. And then he’d reveal that all along he’s been secretly coaching and training Joannie Rochette, turning tonight’s Ladies’ Free Skate – where Brian Orser is coaching the favourite, Kim Yu-Na – into a revival of 1988’s Battle of the Brians. And then Joannie would do two Salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold. Bottom line: He’d make a plan and he’d follow through. That’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

(For those of you wondering what song you were going to have stuck in your head all day, I believe you now have your answer.)

•••

Dear Scott:

Not taking into account the Opening Ceremonies, is there enough French (the language, not the people) at these Olympic Games? – Chantale

Chantale –

Because they are the official languages of the Olympic movement, and because everyone agrees German sounds weird, French and English are heard in equal parts at all Olympic events. So yes: There is a lot of French, the language. And there is a lot of French, the people. But you know what there’s not enough of? French, the toast.

•••

Dear Scott:

Now that Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko has given himself a ‘platinum ‘ medal (to compensate for the silver he won instead of the gold he was apparently entitled to) do you expect VANOC to introduce other new medal categories for similarly disgruntled athletes? (Perhaps pewter or lead for fourth place?) – Dirty Old Town

Dirty Old Town –

I’ve long been a vocal supporter of any initiative that would make the fourth-place finisher feel even worse. Don’t get me wrong: They already feel pretty bad. Many of them came within a few hundredths of a second of tasting sweet, sweet Olympic glory. But instead: nothing! That’s got to suck. That said, I’m fairly confident they can be made to feel even more terrible.

I like your line of thinking, but I don’t think pewter or even lead sends quite the right message. In low light – while seducing a romantic conquest, perhaps, or weeping with the shades drawn and a loaded pistol on one’s lap – those substances could be mistaken for genuine Olympic hardware. That’s why I’m calling on the International Olympic Committee to implement a fourth-place medal made from the fur of baby seals. Gold, Silver, Bronze, Dead Baby Seal. Don’t think IOC members would do such a thing to fourth-place finishers? Don’t think they’d subject them to potential abuse and public harassment? These people charge $35 a day for Internet. They already have an abiding hatred of humanity.

•••

Dear Scott:

When is the VANOC post-games surplus auction? I’d like a chance to own the podium. – A_logician

A_logician –

Hold on. Wait just a minute. Do you really have what it takes to own the podium? Canada can’t stand another podium-related disappointment. We don’t want to hear about you claiming to be ready to own the podium, only to later find out that you failed to own the podium because your credit card was denied. Don’t break our hearts again, man.

Personally, I think the gold medalists should get to keep the podium. Give them the medal, the flowers, the podium, a hockey Sutter of their choosing (we’ve got lots) and send them on home. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a podium down in the rec room? Each and every day you could definitively rank your children based on the amount of love you possess for them. And isn’t that what the Olympic spirit is all about? Ooooo, sorry Timmy, once again you just missed the podium. That recycling isn’t going to take itself out.

•••

Dear Scott:

If a Sasquatch was discovered skating directly on the BC/Washington State border by a Russian figure skating coach, which country would he be allowed to skate for under IOC’s rules? – Dan

Dan –

Gee, thanks. Thanks for ruining the surprise, Dan.

Don’t worry about the fact it took six weeks, a dozen stout men and enough tranquilizer darts to fell an entire herd of Baldwins to find and take down the Sasquatch in the first place. Don’t waste a minute thinking about the two long years – and the countless facial lacerations – invested in getting the Sasquatch on skates. Don’t concern yourself with the fact that half the budget of Own the Podium was needed just to make enough sequins for its costume. Just blab away, Dan. Blab away the secret and now no one is going to be surprised tonight at the Ladies’ Free Skate.

And believe me: this creature has the power to surprise. When I think back on the cost in time and human lives to get that thing to lutz, I can’t help but recall my own surprise when we discovered last week that all along it was Rosie O’Donnell. She’d just been camping along B.C. border. Could have gone home at any time but liked the steady supply of squirrel meat we provided.

P.S. Now that the secret’s out, watch for her climactic combination tonight: a “triple toe loop” into an “eat my Korean rival.”




Browse

Olympic Mailbag: Lindsey Vonn, Brian Boitano, The Sasquatch

  1. Oh Scott, you combine the ironic subtlety of a young Carrot Top with the thoughtful insight of Benny Hill in his prime. When you laugh, the world laughs with you.

    And your dreamy handsome, too. Sigh.

    • Agreed, swooon.

  2. Oh Scott, bad news. Lindsay is married. She told Colbert when he asked who kissed her boo boo better (referring to her shin) – she said ONLY her husband. She has another boo boo, a broken pinkie – and only hubbie will be allowed.____Does your wife know you have the hots for a married woman?____

  3. Living near the border the entire O'Donnell thing surprises me. If Sasquatch girl/Rosie been into the weed that would explain appetite for squirrel.

  4. "(For those of you wondering what song you were going to have stuck in your head all day, I believe you now have your answer.)"

    Damn you Feschuk…

  5. Green Bakelite.

    That's what the fourth place medals should be made out of. And the best part? No one will ever doubt that fourth place "winners" don't deserve free lap dances by homeless women who've been brushing their teeth with a pine cone and beer served by NHL has beens.

  6. About " the newfound popularity of 'cross' sports" — I think a figure-8 destruction derby on skates would be the most interesting sport.

  7. Scott Feschuk – Why do you want to see our golden ice dancers make out? They're not a couple – in fact, at least one of them is involved with someone else.

  8. Because here in Canada kids, we don't get much good tv. Soft core porn is the $hit! (I miss you Corner Gas)

  9. I wish Brian Boitano would have come back and stolen the gold medal from Brian Orsers girl. Just for the look on his face to have been robbed 3 times of gold. Ah…. to dream.

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