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post-election pre-future imagineering challenge


 

Don’t you wish elections ended like Animal House? I refer not to a wildly destructive parade in which cartoonish villains receive their comic comeuppance (although that too would be entertaining: ramming speed, Mr. President!), but to the handy denouement subtitles that let you know what becomes of the characters we met along the way?

Well, the time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me. I hereby declare our first and only post-election pre-future imagineering challenge. Let’s imagine what lies ahead for the people we got to know, love, hate and imagine naked*. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

John McCain – Spent the critical first 100 days of his non-presidency in his bathrobe compulsively uttering new slogan: keep out of my backyard, you squirrel. In cruel twist, lived to be 140.

Joe Biden – After gaffe-filled campaign, ordered by President Obama to spend most of his time in John McCain’s backyard, dressed as a squirrel.

Joe the Plumber – Changed phone number after harassing calls from an “H. Clinton” trying to schedule an appointment for Iowa in 2016.

Sarah Palin – Anchor, CBS Evening News, 2009-2032.

Hope – Smothered to death by a severe economic recession. Revived in 2015 as the name of Lindsay Lohan’s new fragrance.

OK, these kind of suck, but you get the idea. Pick any personality you want. Foresee his or her future. Flat-out funniest entry gets a prize.

* Sarah Palin only. (OK, fine, Hillary too. And, just the one time, Kucinich.)


 
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post-election pre-future imagineering challenge

  1. Sarah Palin – Some professional hockey player’s mom in a Campbell’s Chunky Soup commericial

    Joe the Plumber – Wins exclusive White House plumbing contract; charges a premium since Obama makes more than 250K

  2. Dick Cheney: Returned to his crypt after vowing to arise again in 2060 to terrorize a whole new generation of Americans.

    George Bush: Shocked the world on Jan. 21/2009 when he announced that all that brush clearing he’d been doing was to prepare a landing field for the arrival of aliens from Mars.

    Wolf Blitzer: Became a hologram in time for the 2012 election.

  3. Mike Huckabee – Stars with Chuck Norris in a series of critically acclaimed buddy films depicting the Second Coming. With Norris as Jesus, Huckabee plays the part of Jesus’ sidekick, Pastor Pain. Tragically, Huckabee breaks his hip during filming of the third installment, Jesus vs. the Gays: Jesus’ revenge, while trying to step off his motor scooter. There were no survivors.

  4. The force of his tremendous will finally depleted, John McCain crumbled to dust moments after conceding to Barack Obama.

  5. Sarah Palin — found in a NYC crack house after begging for weeks outside of the SNL studios to “get back on that crazy show with that rockin’ actress person that looked so cute in my clothes.”

    Bill Clinton — found in same crack house, waiting for Sarah’s will to break and get some sweet, sweet luvin’.

  6. Hillary Clinton – Seen with Derek Jeter on a double date with A-Rod and Madonna.

    Bill Clinton – Divorces Hillary shortly after she is seen with Derek Jeter despite short-lived statements to People Magazine that their marriage has never been better. Applies for the job of Lead Intern in the White House.

  7. After his pardon comes through from Prez Bush, the re-elected Ted Stevens returns to his Senate seat. Is seen leading the Republican primaries in 2011 with his ‘there is hope for corrupt politicians’ message.

  8. CNN Hologram Leia: Disappeared after her brief network TV telepresence. Rumoured to be the scantily clad captive prize of a enormous, grotesque, and perverse space slug.

    Michael Moore: After realizing that an Obama presidency will severely cut down on his ability to produce films attacking Republicans, consoles himself by taking a hologram as his plaything.

    John McCain: Responds to the holo-journo’s distress call: “Help me Oldy-Con, Obama has all my hope!” Unfortunately, he is captured and encased in carbonite. In 2012 he is rescued in a daring escape executed by the crew of the Straight-Talk Express, the bus that can do the run to each of his 13 homes in under 83 centilitres.

  9. Stephen Harper – Went on to be the only known Canadian to own a still functioning Wang computer.

  10. Sarah Palin returned to Alaska, where she was eaten by a wolf whose parents she had shot and killed from a low flying helicopter.

  11. Bill O’Reilly: Cancels planned wedding to Lou Dobbs in California. Reschedules in Red Deer.

    Senator Joe Liberman: Files a complaint with the Senate Ethics committee after his parking space is moved to #99 next to Senator Ted Stevens.

    Sarah Palin: Removes lipstick, bites Levi 23 times.

    Levi Johnston: Thanks God that he doesn’t have to marry that tramp Bristol.

  12. McCain:
    After losing the 2008 campaign, McCain spent the remainder of his life building a space station on Mars in a bid to run for again run for Presidency.

    His death in January 2009 sparked sadness among republicans to continue McCains dream and build a new life on Mars.

    They successfully did so in 2043, where McCain’s legacy lives on.

    Obama:
    Obama won two consecutive terms as President of the United States.

    In 2009, in multiple snap election calls, he was named President of Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda and strangely Uzbekistan.

    He became the first African America resident of Mars in 2062, where he now resides.

    Palin:
    Palin, despite the blow of losing in the 2008 campaign, went on to run in 2012. That year, she was pranked by a group of Québécois harnessing hologram technology to think she was indeed elected as the President of the United States.

    She was pranked again in 2016.

    And once more in 2020.

    She now resides in Russia with her five children and her daughter’s eight children.

    Joe the Plummer:
    Joe reclaimed his 15 minutes of fame by being on the 100th season of “Dancing with the Stars”.

    He has four illegitimate children, and now hosts the Price is Right.

    George Bush:
    George Bush left political life after his Presidency. Shortly after, he became a full time professor at Texas Christian University where he teaches American History and Home Economics.

    After being rejected for a bid to move to Mars in 2040, he is now a successful used car salesman in Texas where he lives with his wife.

  13. Hillary Rodham Clinton quietly formed an exploratory committee.

  14. Mike Huckabee vanished instantly from a Biloxi gas station in 2010, the single Republican called home during the Rapture.

  15. Hillary Clinton: Hospitalized in 2010 after accidentally shooting herself in the foot with a Winchester 1892 rifle, in an attempt to attract the New York hunters’ vote. Her immediate remark afterwards, “My aim would’ve been better if Bill were with me,” leads gubernatorial candidate Michael Bloomberg to suggest that Clinton be indicted on attempted murder charges.

    Sarah Palin: Elected president in 2012. As a result, CBC pundit Heather Mallick is hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, spending her days in a straitjacket muttering “how? how?”

  16. Sarah Palin became a Vivid Girl and starred in a porn remake of the Cohen Brother’s call “Far-Go!” where she starred with “Joe the Plumber”.

    Sadly Joe couldn’t “perform” and disappeared soon after. Palin won a best actress award at the 2010 Adult Entertainment Awards in Las Vegas, but was not able to take advantage after she was sued by Micheal Palin for stealing his Monty Python material during the 2008 Election Campaign.

    She now resides in a trailer outside of Juneau.

    Republicans no longer get so uptight about sex.

  17. Bill O’Reilly – Still sitting in his no spin zone chair, as of when the election was called for Obama last night. Visibly drunk, tie loose around his neck, ruffled hair and bags under his eyes, with a bottle of whiskey and a pistol that he occasionally points towards the camera he has no idea isn’t on, as he rants about the doomed future of his great country.

  18. Bristol Palin’s cover of Springsteen’s “the River” failed to do well on the American country charts. (i think this one may have been eaten earlier).

    Trig Palin accepted the Republican nomination in 2057 (I almost didn’t write that one. Almost.)

  19. Bristol Palin: Shortly after the election results are announced, reveals to a stunned nation that it was only a pillow under her dress. Confirms that mother Sarah encouraged the ruse with the rationale that a child expected out of wedlock would make the Palin family seem more palatable to those “liberal media elites”.

    Levi Johnston: Clarifies that he actually really and truly knew all along that heavy petting in a pickup truck could not result in conception. Honest. He was in on it the whole time. Seriously. Tries to find a plastic surgeon to undertake laser removal of that “stupid damn tattoo” on his finger.

  20. on scond thought, there was no call for that. please allow me to delete my last comment.

  21. Sarah Palin returned to Alaska, removed her lipstick and returned to her normal pitbull self.

    Bill Clinton put away his ‘first lady’ dress for another four years, but every so often he’d try it on just to see how it fits.

  22. I can’t decide! Luckily, this “democracy” thing seems to be all the rage these days so… Next five commentors after me shall decide the outcome. Make the call, people: Who deserves the prize?

  23. I nominate John G:

    “Hillary Clinton – Seen with Derek Jeter on a double date with A-Rod and Madonna.

    Bill Clinton – Divorces Hillary shortly after she is seen with Derek Jeter despite short-lived statements to People Magazine that their marriage has never been better. Applies for the job of Lead Intern in the White House.”

  24. Mike T.
    And Mike T. again!

  25. Once more for Mike T.!

  26. All shout out for the collected works of Mike T!

  27. oh wiat, commentors, not comments darn!

    I vote for the guy who said Levy was relieved to nto have to marry bristol.

  28. At risk of being seen as a plant, I vote for Mike T.

  29. That reminds me. Think I’ll go place a last second bid on E-Bay.

  30. I also will have to vote for Scott B for his Levi Johnson crack. Although, I should say, I don’t much care for this “democracy” fad of which you speak, Scott. You have to be the decider. The leader. Otherwise, you’re the Stephane Dion of pre-election pre-future imagineering challenges.

  31. i like john g

  32. Wolf Blitzer – lost aunt and uncle in a muderous invasion by stormtroopers and set off with the aid of the greatest political team in the galaxy in search of the hottie from the holograph, only to later discover it was his sister.

  33. I always get here too late…

  34. haven’t you heard, olaf? decidering is out – consensusering is in.

    so that’s two votes for john g, two for scott b, and several highly dubious votes of pure moxie for mike t.

    i’m going to give the prize to john g. i also want to extend kudos to “saskatchewan” for the palin-based part of his/her entry.

    john g, you know the drill…

    thanks for playing everyone.

  35. hey- just for the record, I actually voted for Mike T.

  36. F@#$! I should’ve voted for myself instead of John G.

    Who registered the John G voters, Acorn?

    I’m outraged. OUTRAGED!

  37. saskatchewan is a she! thanks feschuck!

  38. Stephan Dion goes broke trying to market T-shirts with the slogan NO WE CAN’T and CHANGE IS FOR DIAPERS. He reappears as an instructor at a Community College in the English as a Second Language Department.

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