‘The Breakfast Club’ for wayward celebs

Rob Ford, A-Rod, Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan and Anthony Weiner reflect on their actions

Photo Illustration by Sarah MacKinnon

With so much misbehaving going on these days, we need a forum where the famous and infamous can reflect on their actions and rethink their futures. We need . . . The Breakfast Club.

Early Saturday, five of today’s most notorious personalities are dropped off and enter the school library.

Assistant principal Vernon: It is now 7:06. You have exactly eight hours and 54 minutes to ponder why you are here and write an essay about it. You will not move from these seats. [He exits.]

Rob Ford: I can’t believe I’m spending a whole entire Saturday here. That’s a quarter of my weekend! What are we even supposed to do all day?

Alex Rodriguez: Think about the mistakes we’ve made, I guess.

Justin Bieber: You mean, like, brain think? But that hurts my face parts.

Anthony Weiner (typing on his phone): This is a waste of time. I’m fine. I’m cured.

Lindsay Lohan (as her phone vibrates): God, this Carlos Danger guy won’t stop with the crotch pics. What a creep.

[She snaps a photo of her left breast and texts it back.]

Ford: Check it out: I snuck in a little something to pass the time. [Shows off a two-four.] What are you guys going to drink?

Weiner (reading a tweet): These Internet acronyms are confusing. What does it mean when a woman tweets you the letters, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” The L stands for “love,” right?

Ford: Hang on, now I know why I’m here. Did I have a few beers in public the other night? Yep. Was I, as one columnist put it, “slurring and swaying, chummy and clammy”? Four for four. But it’s not like I have a probl–. [Falls off chair.]

Weiner: Take it from me: You should hold a press conference to express remorse for the incident. I’ve done it. Several times, in fact. So many times that I can get you a discount on a nice remorse podium.

A-Rod: Maybe we’re all here for a reason, guys. I took a hard look at myself in 2009 when I confessed to using steroids. I learned a lot about me that day. Now I’ve cheated again and learned even more about me. So I’m pretty much an expert on knowing stuff about me now.

Ford: BOOOOO! You were supposed to be a leader [long pauses as he tries to come up with an insult that rhymes with A-Rod . . .], A-Jerk. You shamed yourself with your choices. I couldn’t live with myself if I embarrassed myself like that. [Falls down trying to get into chair, swallowing the Mayor’s Chain of Office.]

Bieber: Guys, um, I can’t find my tiger.

A-Rod: You brought a tiger to detention?

Bieber: Well, they said I couldn’t have a monkey anymore, so . . . [shrugs]

Lohan: Maybe the Lord Mayor of Beertown needed a snack.

Ford falls down trying to think of a comeback.

Weiner: Listen, we’ve all made mistakes. But thanks to the love of my wife, I can control myself now. I don’t come on to women I barely know anymore.

Lohan: Just like I learned in rehab to control my wild impulses and self-destructive tendencies.

Weiner (to Lohan): Hey, we have a lot in common. Want to secretly have phone sex until our affair is revealed because I’m terrible at doing this?

Lohan: Only if you take my iTunes password and power of attorney!

At 4 o’clock, Mr. Vernon walks into the library and finds a piece of paper.

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday for this. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we are. You see us as society sees us, in the simplest terms: as a cheat, a brat, a buffoon, an addict and a pervert. But we discovered something today. No matter how awful we act, no matter how far we fall, someone will always be willing to pay us to star in our own reality show or run a major metropolitan city. So we win. Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

Rob Ford walks across a football field as a Simple Minds song plays. As he goes to pump his fist in the air, he is tackled and mauled by a tiger.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk




Browse

‘The Breakfast Club’ for wayward celebs

  1. This is fun :) “The Breakfast Club” cat puzzles

  2. Scott – I may be alone in my opinion, but that was brilliant. I’m still laughing.

    I have only seen the The Breakfast Club once, as a late night TV rerun. Back in 1985 I had no interest in high school movies. But I remember thinking years later ‘what a great movie’ after I watched it.

    I have not thought about TBC till now and I did not immediately recall what the TBC was about till I started reading this piece. It all come back.

    If anyone reading this has not seen TBC, put it on the PVR list and watch it, no matter how long it has been since you were in high school.

    And then read this parody again.

    James CameronCanada needs you now! So does TIFF 2014 and Election 2015. Think about it. Do it in 4D if you want. Maybe add a 3D Stephen Harper character that changes over time?

    Rob Ford walks across a football field as a Simple Minds song plays. As he goes to pump his fist in the air, he is tackled and mauled by a tiger.

    So if I were a screenwriter…

    Rob Ford does a slow motion linebacker zigzag cross a football field as a Simple Minds song plays. He attempts to kick an imaginary field goal but misses the ball and falls down again. He gets up to pump his fist in the air. He is tackled and mauled by a tiger.

    A future version of the Stephen Harper appears (played by Jabba the Hut — who is also being considered for the Rob Ford role if Mike Duffy demands too much money). He summons the Magic Bus to appear (set to the music of Magic Bus by the Who – 1975).

    Harper attempts to throw the tiger (played by Rosie Dimanno or Pamela Wallin) under the bus. A great battle ensues that involves the both past and the future. Laser guided hamburger patties are used in an epic BBQ battlefield scene.

    Sorry. I can’t say anything more. The ending is a surprise.

  3. Weiner (reading a tweet): These Internet acronyms are confusing. What does it mean when a woman tweets you the letters, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” The L stands for “love,” right?

    I just about choked.

  4. BWAH HAW! I made the mistake of reading this while drinking my morning coffee. I had a nose to keyboard interface , and I am still trying to clean the wet spots out of my shirt.
    Funniest thing I have read in months.

Sign in to comment.