With so much misbehaving going on these days, we need a forum where the famous and infamous can reflect on their actions and rethink their futures. We need . . . The Breakfast Club.
Early Saturday, five of today’s most notorious personalities are dropped off and enter the school library.
Assistant principal Vernon: It is now 7:06. You have exactly eight hours and 54 minutes to ponder why you are here and write an essay about it. You will not move from these seats. [He exits.]
Rob Ford: I can’t believe I’m spending a whole entire Saturday here. That’s a quarter of my weekend! What are we even supposed to do all day?
Alex Rodriguez: Think about the mistakes we’ve made, I guess.
Justin Bieber: You mean, like, brain think? But that hurts my face parts.
Anthony Weiner (typing on his phone): This is a waste of time. I’m fine. I’m cured.
Lindsay Lohan (as her phone vibrates): God, this Carlos Danger guy won’t stop with the crotch pics. What a creep.
[She snaps a photo of her left breast and texts it back.]
Ford: Check it out: I snuck in a little something to pass the time. [Shows off a two-four.] What are you guys going to drink?
Weiner (reading a tweet): These Internet acronyms are confusing. What does it mean when a woman tweets you the letters, “LEAVE ME ALONE!” The L stands for “love,” right?
Ford: Hang on, now I know why I’m here. Did I have a few beers in public the other night? Yep. Was I, as one columnist put it, “slurring and swaying, chummy and clammy”? Four for four. But it’s not like I have a probl–. [Falls off chair.]
Weiner: Take it from me: You should hold a press conference to express remorse for the incident. I’ve done it. Several times, in fact. So many times that I can get you a discount on a nice remorse podium.
A-Rod: Maybe we’re all here for a reason, guys. I took a hard look at myself in 2009 when I confessed to using steroids. I learned a lot about me that day. Now I’ve cheated again and learned even more about me. So I’m pretty much an expert on knowing stuff about me now.
Ford: BOOOOO! You were supposed to be a leader [long pauses as he tries to come up with an insult that rhymes with A-Rod . . .], A-Jerk. You shamed yourself with your choices. I couldn’t live with myself if I embarrassed myself like that. [Falls down trying to get into chair, swallowing the Mayor’s Chain of Office.]
Bieber: Guys, um, I can’t find my tiger.
A-Rod: You brought a tiger to detention?
Bieber: Well, they said I couldn’t have a monkey anymore, so . . . [shrugs]
Lohan: Maybe the Lord Mayor of Beertown needed a snack.
Ford falls down trying to think of a comeback.
Weiner: Listen, we’ve all made mistakes. But thanks to the love of my wife, I can control myself now. I don’t come on to women I barely know anymore.
Lohan: Just like I learned in rehab to control my wild impulses and self-destructive tendencies.
Weiner (to Lohan): Hey, we have a lot in common. Want to secretly have phone sex until our affair is revealed because I’m terrible at doing this?
Lohan: Only if you take my iTunes password and power of attorney!
At 4 o’clock, Mr. Vernon walks into the library and finds a piece of paper.
Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday for this. But we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we are. You see us as society sees us, in the simplest terms: as a cheat, a brat, a buffoon, an addict and a pervert. But we discovered something today. No matter how awful we act, no matter how far we fall, someone will always be willing to pay us to star in our own reality show or run a major metropolitan city. So we win. Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.
Rob Ford walks across a football field as a Simple Minds song plays. As he goes to pump his fist in the air, he is tackled and mauled by a tiger.
Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk