19

this just in from the liberal campaign


 

MONTREAL – Stephane Dion announced this morning that he’ll move immediately to shore up his party’s long-shot electoral chances by purchasing campaign offsets from other political figures around the world.

Under the plan, Dion and the Liberals will buy goodwill, charisma and a hope in hell from political parties outside Canada – thus compensating for the sense of despair and fruitlessness being emitted by their own campaign.

The Liberal leader has been struggling to halt the momentum of the Conservatives on the right, growing support for New Democrats and Greens on the left, and who knows, better keep our eyes on those Libertarians.

“We are absolutely committed to reducing our futility footprint – it’s the right thing to do for the Liberal party and it’s the right thing to do for…” said Dion, who vowed to finish his sentence once the oratorical offsets from Barack Obama kicked in.

The Liberal campaign is widely accepted to be the least politically efficient of all the national parties, releasing significant quantities of gloom and ineffective messaging into the campaign atmosphere.

These emissions will henceforth be offset by excess popularity and surplus rhetoric purchased from people such as Sarah Palin and David Cameron. The transaction will make the Liberals the first political party in Canada to be competence-neutral.

This isn’t the first time offsets have been used in 2008. Shortly after visiting the Governor-General to launch the election, Stephen Harper purchased cozy sweater offsets from the estate of Mr. Rogers.


 

this just in from the liberal campaign

  1. Scott:

    They’re getting better and better.

  2. The Liberal campaign is beyond parody.

    The latest boondoggle is the grounding of Liberal campaign plane when one of the plane’s generators lost power last night. The media accompanying the Liberal campaign should be requesting danger pay from their respective employers. They’ll be muttering the Conservative campaign slogan “not worth the risk” despite themselves.

  3. the worst part is that the liberal plane landed in a different city than planned – meaning the ctv crew didn’t get the nightly dozen red roses that stephen harper leaves in their hotel room.

  4. “the worst part is that the liberal plane landed in a different city than planned – meaning the ctv crew didn’t get the nightly dozen red roses that stephen harper leaves in their hotel room.”

    Bwa-ha-ha!

  5. Ya, I (groan) watched CTV’s Question Period and Jane Taber brought out a blue gift bag of goodies the CPC gave to journalists.

    Prezzies makes me a nice man, really it does. And, better be nice to me….I know you journalists are weak and afraid of me and I can buy you with little gifties – cause I’m a nice guy.

  6. You owe me a new keyboard, Feschuk. Mine’s drowned in the coffee I spit out laughing.

    So, who do we like as the new leader to replace Dion when this is all over? I’m putting my money on Rae, though I secretly hope Danny Williams decides that yelling at Harper across the floor would be even more fun…

  7. I’m hoping for Tina Fey. Just imagine the high-jinks when she and President Palin get together…

  8. Scott are you missing being on the plane and all those lovely fruit plates?

  9. “I’m hoping for Tina Fey. Just imagine the high-jinks when she and President Palin get together…”

    Must. Resist. Inappropriate. Thoughts…

  10. Regarding a potential future leader for the Libs – Anybody think that McKenna might return to politics at the federal level?

  11. Very smart.

  12. sunny12: alas, i still can’t look a cantaloupe in the eye without having debilitating flashbacks, followed by a muffin.

    i do feel kind of guilty, though. do any of the major parties have a national blogger this time round? could blog boy have single-handedly destroyed a genre?

  13. Hillary would make a very nice P.M. I’ll take her pantsuits over Harper’s sweaters any day. Plus she can be funny, I mean deliberately on purpose using a sense of humour. Do you have to be a Canadian born person to run this place?

  14. yep – our constitution says you have to be a canadian or from mars (known as The Diefenbaker Amendment)

  15. “do any of the major parties have a national blogger this time round?”

    Isn’t that Stephen Taylor’s gig for the Tories?

  16. Dion was seen dancing and pumping his fist at the news. “Yes!” he proclaimed upon hearing that his plane would be grounded. “This will only further cause my adversaries to underestimate me! Then I will be invincible!”

  17. Scott in Montreal, you missed the very last part of Dion’s quote. It was: “BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

  18. 5 stars to Scott! This makes it official I take off my hat to you in sheer admiration of the cleverness. My most favourite part : These emissions will henceforth be offset by excess popularity and surplus rhetoric purchased from people such as Sarah Palin and David Cameron. The transaction will make the Liberals the first political party in Canada to be competence-neutral.

  19. Yup, nice and cutesy all right. But what is the degree of irony when the observer’s last known political function was the rearrangement of Paul Martin’s deck chairs on the Titanic…?

Sign in to comment.