KFC’s new Double Down—a bacon-and-cheese sandwich that features two pieces of fried chicken in place of the traditional bun—has been described by nutritionists as an affront to human health, by scientists as a potential contributor to childhood obesity and by Kirstie Alley as a mfwwwwa ahhhsdfldnf. (Her mouth was full.)
I, for one, have found a completely different reason to be outraged about the Double Down: we can’t buy one in Canada.
I thought we were best friends, America—so what gives? Why are you so protective of your jaw-dropping, lip-smacking, jowl-expanding advances in fast-food cuisine? Why are you so determined to fatten your population—and yours alone? Are you secretly trying to sink your country and become the first superpower in the Undersea World of Tomorrow? Because that was totally going to be the centrepiece of Michael Ignatieff’s election platform. (Slogan: “None of my other ideas have caught on so . . . gills!”)
My fellow Canadians: we are not being denied just the KFC Double Down. The majority of us also have no way of trying IHOP’s new Pancake Stackers, a thick hunk of cheesecake lodged between two buttermilk pancakes and served with fruit compote, whipped topping and a long, disapproving stare from your wife. As part of a breakfast combo, the Stackers meal delivers more than two-thirds of your recommended daily intake of calories, more than 100 per cent of your daily sodium and a full week’s worth of angry colon.
Nor will anyone north of the border be able to sample Hardee’s new Loaded Biscuit ’N’ Gravy. Curious about what you’re missing? Hardee’s splits a buttermilk biscuit in two and tops each side with an egg, a sausage patty, a generous helping of “famous sausage gravy” and one of the two paddles from the defibrillator. Bite, chew . . . clear!
The Double Down proves it: Americans may be losing their reputation as an invincible economic power, but they continue to outpace the world in making bread obsolete. Years ago, McDonald’s mutated its popular breakfast sandwich by replacing the English muffin with two pancakes, creating the McGriddle. Now KFC has nixed buns in favour of fried chicken. What’s next, America: slices of meat loaf? Pork chops? Whole baby pandas? Cuddly Pockets! New at Burger King!
Perhaps we should interpret this trend as a national call to action. The time has come to stop relying on the United States to find new ways of qualifying to be filmed from the neck down for TV news reports about obesity. To the brainstormery!
The Bigger Mac. Take two Big Macs. Replace the buns of one Big Mac with the beef patties from the other Big Mac. Eat the four-patty Big Mac. Enjoy. Then eat what’s left of the other Big Mac. Then eat the extra buns, the ketchup packets and the tray liner. That little girl two tables over—is she going to finish those fries?
The BK Bacon ’n Bacon Bacon. Take a slice of fried bacon. Nestle it between two slices of fried bacon. Gently wrap these three slices of bacon in a slice of bacon. Serve with a side of bacon.
KFC Bucket Surprise. It’s the same bucket of fried chicken you know and devour, but now it’s also filled with a mysterious liquid. Is your chicken soaking in sour cream? Sour milk? As if you care, fatty.
The DQ Snow Dog. A beef wiener stuffed inside a beef sausage, smothered with beef gravy and blended into a Blizzard. Beefreshing!
America’s fascination with creating ever larger burgers and waistlines may seem a symptom of an indulgent culture. But there is method to the high-cal madness: eating less healthy may be America’s only shot at thriving economically in the 21st century.
Think it through. Manufacturing is in decline in the U.S. Their trade deficit is huge. Their most dynamic growth industry—Bieber-style haircuts—was inspired by a Canadian.
But by eating Double Downs and Pancake Stackers, Americans increase their need for prescription medication to lower their cholesterol, manage their blood pressure and keep their heart from, in medical parlance, exploding. That means profits for drug companies, more jobs for Americans and a stronger economy. The Double Down is not a plot to kill America. It’s a plot to save America.
Getting fat is the most patriotic thing an American can do today. Each mouth is its own stimulus program. Citizens begin by supporting fast-food companies, then they enrich the drug companies and, ultimately, they politely die of wholesale organ failure just before they use up any Social Security money. Deficit tamed. Your move, China.
To make this happen, to deliver on this New Meal Deal, Americans are going to need to keep inventing new and more calorie-laden creations to ingest. They will need ingenuity, determination and, eventually, a tremendous amount of insulin. And hey, if pursuing economic prosperity happens to taste delicious, that’s just gravy. Delicious sausage gravy.