Creating a better sex doll
The Japanese have selflessly devoted themselves to a practical pursuit
SCOTT FESCHUK | October 22, 2007 |
Thank goodness for Japan. While other nations waste scientific brainpower developing moon bases and mulling the origins of the universe, the Japanese have selflessly devoted themselves to a more practical pursuit: building a better sex doll.
Obsolete now are the crude blow-up dolls featured in countless Hollywood comedies and the back seat of my car on prom night. In their place, the Tokyo-based company 4Woods has unveiled "lifelike" silicone companions with "hyper-real" mouths and "ultra-real" breasts. As 4Woods declares on its website: "Our pursuit of high quality beauty for visual effects and durability for practical play have been realized!" Happy alone fun time!
Having intimate relations with your new Japanese "love doll" couldn't be easier. You don't need to inflate her(as with a traditional doll)or get her drunk(as with a traditional Hilton). You simply accept shipment from the snickering UPS driver, peek through the curtains at the UPS driver as he laughs with your neighbour and comically thrusts his pelvis while pointing at your house, remove your doll from its storage sack(complimentary with purchase!), ignore the taunts of the UPS driver and allow nature -- and years of painstaking industrial research into the ideal contours of what 4Woods describes as the "marriage hole" -- to take its course. All in the comfort and privacy of your own shame!
These new sex dolls sell for a little more than $5,000 each. That's a lot of money -- but a visit to the manufacturer's website leaves the impression that crafting a state-of-the-art 21st-century sex partner was an engineering challenge on par with building the Brooklyn Bridge or Pamela Anderson. There is discussion of the "hyper-anatomical" body frame, the highly durable and easily reparable "skin" and the "33 degrees of increased movement on a new single axis on a double joint."(For the record, Anderson herself routinely achieves a remarkable 47 degrees of increased movement, but that's because her pelvis was permanently unhooked during a tragic honeymooning accident.)
One problem with sex dolls of yore was the lack of realism in the chestal-type region(I'm told). Basically, the breasts felt like air bags(I'm told). They totally killed the mood that night at the lake(I'm told). But these Japanese sex dolls feature "new-materials technology inside a breast!" Specifically, a special "elastomer gel" provides a more authentic feel. The company brags: "The softness can be checked!" I love that. The softness can be checked. This helps to explain why all dolls come with a small square of paper that reads, "Inspected by Number Charlie Sheen."
But it's not all nerd talk for 4Woods. Chief executive Hiroo Okawa was moved recently to write a poetic step-by-step description of how his team crafts your delicate new love partner:
- "Metal work process;
- Joint assembly process;
- Framework assembly, make skull ..."
Okay, so Hiroo Okawa isn't exactly Cyrano de Bergerac. But give Hiroo Okawa a break! Hiroo Okawa is working flat-out to offer exclusive sex-doll options such as the proprietary implanting of "real pubic hair" -- which is, Hiroo Okawa assures us, "planted by our craftswoman who is very skilful." So that's a load off.
Listen to me: I sound like an advocate for these things. But I'm not here to sell you on a Japanese sex doll. And I'm certainly not in any way angling to have a free Japanese sex doll, preferably the Mitsumi model, delivered in an unmarked crate to my work address after business hours. But for no unethical reason whatsoever we should probably wrap things up by considering the many ways in which a high-tech Japanese Sex Doll is vastly superior to an Actual Living Woman:
1. An Actual Living Woman is, by and large, unlikely to willingly stay inside a convenient storage sack. In fact, the sad truth is that these days most modern women don't even come with their own convenient storage sack! Advantage: Japanese Sex Doll.
2. "You can choose your favorite head!" That's right -- 4Woods offers 11 different female heads that "have very rich individuality and originality." Extra heads can be purchased separately(for $765 apiece)and quickly snapped onto your sex doll. Voila! Suddenly you're making it with upwards of a dozen pretend women. Take that, ordinary everyday loser!
3. Did I mention one head has pigtails? Or that another wears a nurse's hat? Oh, and one is sleeping, for some reason. More important, when is the last time an Actual Living Woman removed her head? Fine, Rosie O'Donnell. But she has to so she can feed in her natural form; that doesn't count.