There are children's books that explain our digestive system, and others that explore grief and jealousy. These important works help kids to understand complex truths and difficult emotions, and also pooping. But there has always been a gulf in this field of literature, a topic unexplored.

No longer. Now, at long last, we finally have a book written for the confused children of mommies who abruptly come home one day with huge fake boobs.

My Beautiful Mommy, written by a Florida plastic surgeon who fancies himself a leading expert in breast implants (closest known rival: Charlie Sheen), chronicles the inspiring journey of a thirtysomething woman who finds time between her nose job, her tummy tuck and her breast augmentation to gently explain to her young daughter that Mommy is doing all this because — insert heartwarming "aaaaaaww!" — Mommy simply wants to look super pretty.

Aimed at children aged 4 to 7, My Beautiful Mommy features frank discussions in which the mother reveals the reasons behind her pursuit of surgical remedy: "You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore." Naturally, the book has a happy ending in which Mommy returns home safe and "even more" beautiful than before. What a triumph! Mommy is just like the Ugly Ducking, but hotter and with a thong.

According to Newsweek, Dr. Michael Salzhauer got the idea for his book after noticing that some women were coming to his office for consultations with their kids in tow. He told the magazine that such visits can be frightening for children. You know what also can be frightening for children, doc? Looking up one morning and, instead of Mommy's reassuring face, seeing only acres of bosom.

But Dr. Salzhauer is a serious surgeon and this book of his is all about education. You can tell because he named the doctor in the book after himself (Dr. Michael) and gave him huge comic-book muscles and matinee-idol good looks. My Beautiful Mommy will be published on Mother's Day — because really, what better captures the spirit of a day created to honour the effort and dedication of the mother than a book that informs her that her small chest and stretch marks disgust us?

That's bad enough. But the more troubling aspect of the book is that the mother's upfront tone as she explains to her child that she'll be undergoing surgery and coming home changed in appearance strays from more traditional and effective parenting techniques, such as lying.

Lying to young children has worked really well for a really long time. It is also fun. Parents of the nation, I ask you: do we really want to go down a road where serious questions about serious issues require serious answers? Yes, I'm asking you, Mr. Kid Walked In On You Getting a Massage From Your Secretary.

There is a simpler way:

Mommy, why is your bosom suddenly so big?

The car isn't working so Mommy has to float to work.

Mommy, why does your nose look so different?

I lost my nose in a game of Got Your Nose, but was quick enough to snatch Cameron Diaz's.

Mommy, but Cameron Diaz is one of Hollywood's most endearing actresses!

She stole Elmo's nose. It'll be fine.

Mommy, why is your tummy so flat and not as "pruney" as it used to be?

I ironed it.

See? Simple and entertaining. Or you could be honest and give your daughter a head start on emotionally connecting her self-worth to her physical appearance. Most girls have to wait until they're 12 to think they're ugly and fat, but not your kid. What a time saver!

And the book as written does offer more prospects for a lucrative franchise. I foresee a second volume in which the little girl, inspired by her heroic mother, spends three days locked in the bathroom weepingly obsessing over her own nose — then, in a uplifting twist, saves up her bake sale money to buy rhinoplasty. "And while you've got me on the table, Dr. Michael, how about fitting me for a nice pair of breasts — I can't wait for puberty to do all the work." (For the movie I see Dakota Fanning in the lead and Danny DeVito as the left implant. Just throwing that out there.)

Other potential book sequels:

· My Beautiful Mommy's Sexy New Friend, Brandon, Who Sleeps Where Daddy Used To.

· My Beautiful Mommy's Horrible Post-Operative Complications.

· My Even More Beautiful Mommy, Except Now Her Face Is So Tight She Can't Blink.

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