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Ford Sensation

Toronto author Lynn Crosbie offers a different view of Toronto’s mayor


 

Nathan Denette/CP

After a week where the public demise of Rob Ford was inescapable, Toronto author and poet Lynn Crosbie offers a completely different view of the man at the centre of it all:

He doesn’t so much walk into my house as appear there—flanked by various officials, he stands imperiously, laying down a track of virile cologne.

He is tall, so tall.

And maddeningly, he scarcely glances at me.

After barking out a series of complex orders, he is gone as quickly as he arrived, and so began my very private crush on our embattled mayor, the surprisingly hot Rob Ford.

This was two years ago, when Ford was returning calls from his constituents into the late hours, talking “cats out of trees” as Councilman Doug Ford reminded us on their most recent, agonic, radio show.

I had heard, repeatedly, that he was accessible, and, driven to desperation by an ongoing case of animal abuse and parlous bylaw infraction in my cruddy neighborhood, I gave it a shot.

I left a message with his staff, and thought, well that’s that.

But he responded with alacrity.

He addressed each matter with care and diligence.

And his calls, during this period, usually on the sexy late side (10PM or so) were so comforting: every time we spoke, he was patient, helpful and kind: is this when I fell a little in love?

I know that most people reading this are vomiting, but you had better know this: If you met this pheremone-blasting monolith, you too would be dazed and confused.

I wore sky-high silver heels and some little slinky thing, and he just stared over me, at some vanishing point, where the victims of his baroque Byronic charms lie.

During his current tenure as King Lear, I dreamed he and I went to an amusement park, and he was irrepressibly fun—writer Bonnie Bowman also just had a confusingly sweet dream: surely there are many others.

He is in our dreams because he is everywhere, but he lives there too, to take refuge; to be listened to and cared for; to have his own desperate cries answered with the brusque compassion he rode into this town on.

As I watch him now, so frenzied, so stooped with shame and disgrace, I wish him back into the curiously seductive—the man has tiny fangs—gallant who came to my aid, and mellowed my evenings with his tough tendresse

But he is a married man, and I am sorry.

All I can do is apologize and try to move forward, occasionally dreaming of RoFo (a nickname I give him as a gift): the raving, rubicund man of my dreams.


 
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Ford Sensation

  1. Now that’s good sarcasm.

  2. “… the raving, rubicund man of my dreams.”

    Awesome.

  3. **browsing through pics to see his fangs**

  4. well, there goes my dinner.

  5. I just puked in my mouth.

  6. Rob’s mother claims that her son’s only real problem is his weight.

    Mrs. Ford, being fat is not illegal. Your son’s problem is that he is the elected mayor of the city, the embodiment of the popular will, aka the law. When he shows such blatant disregard for the laws he is supposed to represent, that communicates to the rest of us that there is no point in asking us to respect the laws either. After all, your son is no better than the rest of us.

    So what is it that you want, Mrs. Ford? Would you like to see the city of Toronto turn into Thunderdome? A world where people just run each other down if they get in each other’s way? because that’s what the law is there to prevent. It’s an expression of our collective will as a social contract.

    It’s not just the crack, Mrs. Ford. It’s the thugs who were sent into the Somali community to look for the video. It’s the money that was flashed to bribe them, and the threats that were deployed to intimidate them. It’s the blase attitude that it a blatant breach of the social contract can be remedied with a mere apology.

    I’ve seen the Ford Nation before. It sort of resembles the anarchic world these Somali refugees fled to Canada in an effort to get away from. A world where the law means nothing, where bribery is the order of the day. That world is not and cannot be allowed to exist within Canada. Those who would prefer it are free to emigrate.

  7. Loverly!

  8. RoFo!

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