My hockey book, by Stephen Harper - Macleans.ca
 

My hockey book, by Stephen Harper

I love cheering for my side and trash-talking others. You can apply this to hockey, too.


 

Feschuk_March 2011_Harper interview

For years now, since before he became Prime Minister, Stephen Harper has been reportedly working on a book about hockey. He’s obviously never going to finish the thing—so I’ve written it for him. Welcome to the first draft of Stephen Harper’s Book About Hockey.

Introduction. When I first revealed that I was writing a book about hockey, some people were skeptical. They suspected it was a crass ploy designed to “humanize” me to the masses. But believe me: I don’t need to pretend to write a hockey book to make me seem human. That’s why I have a sweater vest, a psychic hairstylist and three blood transfusions a week. The real reason I wrote this book is because hockey is so great. It’s the best sport in the world, in that it is fast-paced, skilful and none of its professional players are gay-married. But hockey is not just a game for heterosexual multi-millionaires anymore! I’m told it is also sometimes played by children, the handicapped, or even females.

Chapter One: History of Hockey. The smell of the arena. The sound of a skate blade cutting through ice. The sight of an overly lyrical paragraph replete with images designed to invoke cheap patriotic sentiment. “[Hockey] is a team sport,” says the noted hockey historian Wiki Pedia. “Ice hockey is most popular in areas that are sufficiently cold for natural reliable seasonal ice cover.” Mr. Pedia goes on to describe hockey as “a year-round pastime” and “citation needed.”

Chapter Two: Gearing Up. Putting on a hockey uniform is a time-honoured ritual that spans generations. First the jock, then the shin pads, the colourful socks, the protective headgear—I never wore one myself as a boy, but it’s basically how I dressed for Dungeons & Dragons on Friday nights.

Chapter Three: My Favourite Team. I was born in Toronto. I grew up in Toronto. I attend Toronto Maple Leafs games and I have visited the Leafs dressing room. So I guess it’s safe to say that my favourite hockey team is [insert name of your favourite hockey team here]. As I often say: “Let’s go, [nickname of whichever team you said back there]! Let’s go!”

Chapter Four: My Favourite Player. Kids often write me letters to ask who’s my favourite hockey player, prompting me to reply: “How did you get this address?” But I will say this: while working on this book, I did a lot of research on Tim Horton. Over and over I read the name Tim Horton. He was a delicious and sometimes sticky player. Another filling player I researched was Wendy.

Chapter Five: Forms of Hockey. Hockey isn’t played only on ice. Sometimes, it is played on the road. Sometimes when teams are made, one kid is picked last—which emotionally scars this anonymous, nameless child even though I was way better than that fat Jenkins kid, but Jenkins had a hot sister, so of course Greg the captain picked him before the anonymous, unnamed me. Sometimes, the kid who gets picked last grows up to be Prime Minister and suddenly Greg the captain wakes up three consecutive years to discover, boom, tax audit.

Chapter Six: Being a Fan. I love cheering for my side, trash-talking others and rejecting the possibility that any point of view other than my own can possess even trace elements of merit. You can also apply this philosophy to hockey, I guess.

Chapter Seven: Theories on Victory. The Vancouver Canucks can never win the Stanley Cup—because if they were going to win the Stanley Cup, they would have already won the Stanley Cup by now. It’s just like what I said about the recession we aren’t not having right now.

Chapter Eight: I’d Be A Great Coach. Being Prime Minister is a lot like being a hockey coach. You have to be willing to make the tough decisions: who do you bench? When do you gamble? After walking your son to the rink as part of an awkward photo op, how do you say goodbye—firm handshake or notarized memorandum of farewell? Bottom line—I have all the qualities needed to succeed:

Perseverance. When I first took power, the opposition defeated a motion that would have renewed the extraordinary powers of the state to detain, interrogate and otherwise intimidate people of its choosing. So I had to come up with a new way of managing my cabinet.

Innovation. Some people say we need to cut back fossil fuels, limit carbon emissions and take global warming seriously. But this excludes more innovative solutions, such as free Bermuda shorts for all Inuit.

A suit. I own several suits.

Chapter Nine: Interesting Facts About Hockey. Did you know that hockey is the official national winter sport of Canada? You did know that? Oh. Well aren’t you a genius. Now I feel like an idiot. Why don’t you go ahead and finish this book on your own, Hockey Einstein!

Chapter Ten: About 200 Blank Pages.


 

My hockey book, by Stephen Harper

  1. Classic.

  2. Chapter Five (last sentence) is something everyone says they'll do to people they don't like if elected PM.

    I suppose I'm no different…

    Go my favourite sports team, Go!

  3. I like the three blood transfusions but you forgot about eating the newly born puppies!

  4. " I love cheering for my side, trash-talking others and rejecting the possibility that any point of view other than my own can possess even trace elements of merit…………"

    Geesh, there are a fair number of liberals and Ndippers who might just want to read and reread that sentence.

    It often seems to me that regardless of what Harper and Co. say (about anything) the critics scream hysterically that it will lead to the eventual destruction of everyone and everything we cherish and that our forefathers died protecting.

    I recognize that the opposition is supposed to oppose, but good god can't it be constructive criticism instead of ear splitting stupidity by the usual suspects………..

  5. Classic.

  6. Chapter Five (last sentence) is something everyone says they’ll do to people they don’t like if elected PM.

    I suppose I’m no different…

    Go my favourite sports team, Go!

  7. I like the three blood transfusions but you forgot about eating the newly born puppies!

  8. ” I love cheering for my side, trash-talking others and rejecting the possibility that any point of view other than my own can possess even trace elements of merit…………”

    Geesh, there are a fair number of liberals and Ndippers who might just want to read and reread that sentence.

    It often seems to me that regardless of what Harper and Co. say (about anything) the critics scream hysterically that it will lead to the eventual destruction of everyone and everything we cherish and that our forefathers died protecting.

    I recognize that the opposition is supposed to oppose, but good god can’t it be constructive criticism instead of ear splitting stupidity by the usual suspects………..

    • Harper’s empty bully boy rhetoric has seemingly sprouted weeds in your mindscape.
      Re-read your post. Think about it. Re-read it again and try to apply perspective and independent thought.
      Should this fail, go to Woodstock, take the bad acid and start again.

      • After that reply it is obvious that you took the bad acid.
        Empty insults like “Harpers bully boy rehetoric”…are meant to characterize him in a poor light
        but actually mean nothing and contribute even less to the debate. It is obvious that in your
        mind NOTHING but your point of view has merit? The hubris.
        My post was dead on, especially as it relates to your narrow view point.
        Perspective and independant thought are arived at internally, not by quoting NDP posters.

        dont just reread, reflect.

        • And exactly how were Conservatives constructive during their time on the Opposition bench? If you are going to be reflective, widen your scope. Remember the Conservatives whined and complained about the Liberals were going to tax income trusts (which they ended up not doing) only to reverse that decision much later. Also, I seem to recall the doom and gloom predictions about legalizing same sex marriage. It has been almost 4 years, and our nation is still standing.

          I do not know what Question Period you are watching, but the Opposition has given credit to the Health Minister for her handling of the Swine Flu with even the health critic for the LPC applauding her efforts.

          If you are worried about adding nothing to debate, maybe you shouldn’t immediately paint all the Opposition’s criticisms as ear splitting stupidity. It is that kind of sweeping generalizations that are meaningless. Perhaps you should take your own advice.

          • *about how

        • Do you have a sense of humour or is your skin too thin to handle one?

    • He did it for the lulz, Kevin. Lighten up!

  9. Harper's empty bully boy rhetoric has seemingly sprouted weeds in your mindscape.

    Re-read your post. Think about it. Re-read it again and try to apply perspective and independent thought.

    Should this fail, go to Woodstock, take the bad acid and start again.

  10. After that reply it is obvious that you took the bad acid.

    Empty insults like "Harpers bully boy rehetoric"…are meant to characterize him in a poor light

    but actually mean nothing and contribute even less to the debate. It is obvious that in your

    mind NOTHING but your point of view has merit? The hubris.

    My post was dead on, especially as it relates to your narrow view point.

    Perspective and independant thought are arived at internally, not by quoting NDP posters.

    dont just reread, reflect.

  11. If Harper did play D&D I'd like him even more. Though he seems like he'd be boring and play as a human fighter or something.

  12. And exactly how were Conservatives constructive during their time on the Opposition bench? If you are going to be reflective, widen your scope. Remember the Conservatives whined and complained about the Liberals were going to tax income trusts (which they ended up not doing) only to reverse that decision much later. Also, I seem to recall the doom and gloom predictions about legalizing same sex marriage. It has been almost 4 years, and our nation is still standing.

    I do not know what Question Period you are watching, but the Opposition has given credit to the Health Minister for her handling of the Swine Flu with even the health critic for the LPC applauding her efforts.

    If you are worried about adding nothing to debate, maybe you shouldn't immediately paint all the Opposition's criticisms as ear splitting stupidity. It is that kind of sweeping generalizations that are meaningless. Perhaps you should take your own advice.

  13. *about how

  14. If Harper did play D&D I’d like him even more. Though he seems like he’d be boring and play as a human fighter or something.

    • He’d probably be Lawful Good, too. :p

    • Actually he would INSIST at being the Dungeon master, if denied he would take the all the pieces and run away.

  15. Cheap

  16. I always had a feeling it was total BS….

    He can't even come up with an original lie….this is so like Bush and Roves reading contest when people were accusing Bush of being a dullard.

  17. Cheap

  18. I always had a feeling it was total BS….

    He can’t even come up with an original lie….this is so like Bush and Roves reading contest when people were accusing Bush of being a dullard.

  19. Hey, Bush has/had his "Mr. Look like regular folks" ranch – he did clear brush for photo-ops and Harper has a recent interest in hockey and Tim Hortons.

    Bush is apparently going to sell the ranch – will Harper turn to soccer?

  20. He'd probably be Lawful Good, too. :p

  21. The Vancouver Canucks can never win the Stanley Cup—because if they were going to win the Stanley Cup, they would have already won the Stanley Cup by now. It's just like what I said about the recession we aren't not having right now.

    Score!

  22. Hey, Bush has/had his “Mr. Look like regular folks” ranch – he did clear brush for photo-ops and Harper has a recent interest in hockey and Tim Hortons.

    Bush is apparently going to sell the ranch – will Harper turn to soccer?

  23. The Vancouver Canucks can never win the Stanley Cup—because if they were going to win the Stanley Cup, they would have already won the Stanley Cup by now. It’s just like what I said about the recession we aren’t not having right now.
    Score!

  24. Do you have a sense of humour or is your skin too thin to handle one?

  25. "…and none of its professional players are gay-married."

    As always, pretty funny stuff.

    I doff my hat to you , sir.

  26. “…and none of its professional players are gay-married.”

    As always, pretty funny stuff.

    I doff my hat to you , sir.

  27. Actually he would INSIST at being the Dungeon master, if denied he would take the all the pieces and run away.

  28. He did it for the lulz, Kevin. Lighten up!

  29. Steven Harper wrote a gay book!