The author of ‘The Future and Why We Should Avoid It’ is interviewed from his home in 2033 about how that whole future thing works out
Have you heard about the terrific new book called The Future and Why We Should Avoid It: Killer Robots, the Apocalypse and Other Topics of Mild Concern? I can’t recommend it highly enough—though I’m going to keep trying because it’s my book and I need the royalties to fix a hole in my porch.
For more on this exciting masterwork that critics could theoretically describe as “humanity’s greatest achievement, and that includes pajama jeans,” I have reached the author (i.e. me) at his/my home in Ottawa, 19 years into the future.
SF 2033: Actually, Gillette went bankrupt in 2025. In the end, it was the charity-industrial complex that did them in. It just kept expanding. These days, most men go from Octobeard to Movember to Desideburns.
SF 2033: It gets a little annoying around FebManchu. But what are you going to do? It’s for 12 consecutive good causes.
SF 2033: Here in the future, we have evolved beyond petty literary competitions and prizes.
SF 2033: There was just no beating Marmaduke that year. Those Swedes are suckers for canine mischief. Plus, the judges did not buy our spin that the more words there are in the title, the better the book.
SF 2033: No, but I did see one homeless guy use it as a pillow at the library. Gave it two out of five on Yelp.
SF 2033: Sorry, could you repeat that? Rush hour is really the worst time of day to be living under this bridge.
SF 2033: Of course there are jet packs! But here’s something we never considered when dreaming about jet packs for our entire lives: only rich people can afford them. You haven’t experienced the future until you’ve had a glorious sunset spoiled by two trust-fund douchebags doing sky doughnuts.
SF 2033: We actually rented one for a weekend, but you’d be surprised—the insurance premiums really start to soar once you crash through two or three blimps.
SF 2033: Not yet. But my robot butler has been asking a lot of questions lately about where I keep my pancreas.
SF 2033: Let’s see. The Leafs still haven’t won the Cup, Nickelback was eaten by a tiger and all Canadians now celebrate a new statutory holiday every April 8: Tiger Appreciation Day. Oh, and Stephen Harper is still living at 24 Sussex.
SF 2033: No, he just refused to move out when he lost. They ended up letting him stay. Mostly he sits in the window hollering, “Troubles lapping!” at the squirrels.
SF 2033: Let me put it this way: from its western coast to its eastern coast to its southern coast, the island nation of Canada has never been stronger. The Saskatchewan cod fishery just had a banner year!
SF 2033: I ask you: When has the future ever turned out to be anything other than the perfect utopia we all envision?
The Future and Why We Should Avoid It is now available wherever throw pillows, candles, lattes, picture frames, blankets and, somewhere way in the back, books are sold.