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Isn’t it time he proposed?

‘A-little-bit-married’ women may be wasting valuable time


 

Isn’t it time he proposed?“Women are breaking all types of glass ceilings. Yet there is still a relationship ceiling where women hit their heads,” writes Hannah Seligson in a new book for young women called A Little Bit Married: How to Know When It’s Time to Walk Down the Aisle or Out the Door. It’s now the norm, Seligson writes, to date for three, five, even 10 years with no promise of a proposal, and “in the vast majority of cases, it’s still the man who sets the marriage timeline.” There’s even a poster girl for the phenomenon: Prince William and Kate Middleton, Seligson notes, “have been dating for over six years. The snarky British tabloids have dubbed her ‘Waitie Katie.’ ”

Sara, 25, tells Seligson she is in a stalemate with her boyfriend Adam, 27. “He says he is waiting for some sign that it’s right,” but “shouldn’t we be moving toward marriage? Do I just wait around for him to be ready? My time is valuable,” says Sara. “When is the breaking point for those of us who are ‘a little bit married’?” writes Seligson. “Is it after six months? A year? Three years?”

The now-single Seligson describes how she was “deeply embedded” with her college boyfriend Daniel, whom she hoped to marry. “The vacations we took together, the enormous amount of time we spent with each other’s families, and the daily emotional binding and sacrifice we made for each other read—for me—as a tacit agreement we’d do this for a few years and then get married. In my mind, there was no other interpretation. Daniel, however, ultimately did have a different interpretation.” Seligson regrets she wasn’t more direct in stating her desire to marry. “Pushing for clarity is critical for couples who are a little bit married.” Women, she writes, “should be having the DTR—Define the Relationship—talk sooner rather than later.”

For women stuck in a stalemate, Seligson advocates the “Female Proposal.” “Conventional dating wisdom says that applying even the smallest amount of pressure to a man is a relationship faux pas commensurate with jumping into bed with him on the first date. Yet many men interviewed for this book said that a little proposal push is often what they needed.” Seligson cites the example of a man who’s now engaged to his girlfriend of seven years; he says he would have continued to stall if he hadn’t been pushed. “I was comfortable with letting things be.” Women should “pop the question when it will soon be biologically challenging for you to have children,” Seligson advises. However, “if you give an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through.”

Following through and ending the relationship will be easier if you aren’t cohabiting, says Pamela Smock, one of the experts interviewed in the book. Smock advises women to avoid the “tumble effect” of moving in together with no clear plan. “Some women interviewed said they hoped moving in would fast-track the proposal. But the research on that is inconclusive,” writes Seligson. Smock says, “We are finding men talking about cohabitation as a test drive while women talk about it as a step toward marriage.”

In the chapter, “What Women Need to Know About Cohabitation That No One Tells Them,” Seligson writes, “It’s astounding that every man in America doesn’t want his girlfriend to move in with him, since the benefits are so bountiful. He gets a housekeeper (cohabiting women mirror married women in that they end up doing the bulk of the housework), a nutritionist (cohabiting women chide men about staying away from the fries and closer to the treadmill), and a social secretary who keeps them scheduled and reminds them to call Aunt Phyllis on her birthday. Then there’s what women get: a second shift of cleaning house when they arrive home from work, and love handles—women tend to gain weight once they move in with their partners.”

Seligson’s top sign “that it’s time to break it off”? “When the equation three years invested + fear of being single = trying to stay together is your rationale for staying together, it’s probably time to walk out the door.”


 
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Isn’t it time he proposed?

  1. "women tend to gain weight once they move in with their partners…"
    and yet she wonders why their boyfriends don't want them to move in.

    • hahahahahahahahaha

    • I bet you have a huge beer gut!

    • The men gain even more weight….it's a sign of contentment.

    • No wonder you're called "Slack"!!

    • Lol,so "slack" is your name…….. how fitting. No wonder you have such a shallow POV. Stay single slack,you aren't worthy…

  2. Well, duh. Isn't it time SHE proposed?

    For women stuck in a stalemate, Seligson advocates the “Female Proposal.”

    No, no, a thousand times NO! It's not a female proposal. It's not a reverse proposal. It's not an ultimatum. It's a proposal. The garbage about he goes down on one knee, but she just keeps dropping hints and nagging, is 110% lame.

    • Yeah, it's a little bit sexist. There's tons of couples where the woman is the one who is holding out on marriage, usually because (just like a man) she thinks she can do better but she is comfortable where she is. This usually happens with women who don't want children very much.

      People should stop being so stuck up and just spawn, replace themselves, and die already. Ultimately it doesn't really matter.

      • just spawn, replace themselves, and die already

        LOL… sounds like so much fun the way you put it!

  3. Who care!

    • women do thank you

  4. Interesting. I got involved in a long distance relationship. After 9 months of dating, my current husband of 22 years moved in with my sis and I (who owned a townhouse). After a year of living together I gave him an ultimatum. He had always said he did not want to marry before 30 YO. We married. I was 39. He was 30. My sis and her current husband got married the same day as we did. So, sometimes it does work out.

  5. It's two thousand freaking ten. If a woman thinks it's time – she can PROPOSE!

  6. I am sure his mother taught hm well. He's handsome bugger..Given the royals and their marriages not working, I say no rush Wills.

  7. " “It's astounding that every man in America doesn't want his girlfriend to move in with him, since the benefits are so bountiful. He gets a housekeeper (cohabiting women mirror married women in that they end up doing the bulk of the housework), a nutritionist (cohabiting women chide men about staying away from the fries and closer to the treadmill), and a social secretary who keeps them scheduled and reminds them to call Aunt Phyllis on her birthday."

    That Seligson thinks these are incentives suggests that she really doesn't understand the other half of the species very well.

    • I think the housekeeper, nutritionist and secretary aspects are indeed incentives. But you also get the nagging, the mood swings, the constant oversight and the loss of control, which are disincentives, although these things can be minimal with the right lady.

    • agreed…when women write about what they think men will or should like in their female partners these days, I just cringe.

  8. Prince William doesn't even acknowledge he has a girlfriend… what makes people think he would marry her? When asked recently in Australia if he had a girlfriend, he replied "I might".

    The woman has become a public laughing stock… It's not for nothing she's been crowned Waity Katie. Her life story is a riot.

    Since graduating from university 7 YEARS ago, with a degree in the History of Art, she has yet to hold down a proper job.
    In November 2006 she began "working" for fashion chain, Jigsaw. A job it has been widely documented she only acquired through connections. Her 'position' was especially created for her by the owners John and Belle Robinson. She was only required to show up 3 days a week due to her "royal engagements" … which were the numerous vacations she went on with William. Sometimes several times in a month. I kid you not.

    In November 2007 she quit. It was claimed she wanted "some time to herself".

    Since then, her lawyer and various "sources" have made a point of confirming that Waity Katie works for her parents' online party supplies business. It's funny to note that at one point, when the outcry over her lack of work ethic was especially loud (at the time there were reports even the Queen thought Kate should have a full-time job), the Middleton's decided to put Kate's photo on their website. This action was duly noted and widely mocked in the press… and soon the photo was removed.

    Most recently, it has been reported that Kate has " scaled back on her work engagements".

    There is a fantastic video up on you tube right now, I'd recommend it to anyone:

    [youtube 3BncJtQlz94 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BncJtQlz94 youtube]

    • What a snotty video. It's amazing how worked up people get about people they don't even know.

      • What a snotty comment. It's amazing how worked up people become in defending someone they don't know.

  9. I made a mistake, they graduated from uni 5 years ago.

  10. The person who did the written commentary for the video desperately needs some lessons in grammar and punctuation. However, some of the points are well made. Katie sounds like she is a lot like William's mother (attention-seeking, having a thirst for status, willing to sell herself to gain it) though fortunately not as academically challenged as Diana.

    • Waity Katie is nothing like Princess Diana. As A Spencer, Diana had no need for status. She came from very good stock. ——-> http://tiny.cc/spencerfamily <——–

      Diana was a gifted woman. What she lacked in formal education, she more than made up for with 'street smarts". She was not stupid by any means. And she was independent. Some may argue she was independent to the point of recklessness.

      Waity Katie, on the other hand appears almost pathologically dependent on being associated with William and the 'right sort'. It's been reported she dropped all of her friends from uni, only keeping friendships with William's circle of friends.

      Aside from that, you are comparing a nearly 30 year old woman with zero accomplishments to date apart from being the long term on/off girlfriend of Prince William to his mother, Princess Diana – a woman who, in spite of her many personal issues managed to raise two boys beautifully and raise awareness to many issues. The fact that Diana's funeral attracted approximately 2.5 billion viewers speaks volumes for her character and how she was perceived by the public.

      Kate is not just dating William, she is actively campaigning for the part of wife. It is obvious and it is pathetic.

      • Zoe, are you pining to have Wills to yourself? Why do you hate this poor girl so?

        I hate to remind you, but poor Diana married a much older man who was in love with another woman. She was chosen only to bear children. She was bitterly unhappy, and suffered because of it.

        She had an unhappy childhood. She may have had a limited status in UK, but it wasn't much — she was working in a daycare before her marriage, not a particularly insightful or challenging career. No education.

        Still, your ire is raised by this pretty girl who enjoys the prince's companionship, and for many years. I don't imagine you are in any way next in line — or are you a lady in waiting too, just without the actual man?

        • You are reducing Diana's life in order to compare it to Waity Katie's.

          Patchouli, you also might think it "snotty" to criticize Waity Katie Middleton, but people who's actual job it is to report on the woman that could become Prince William's FIRST wife, have long questioned her motives and aspirations. And that directly ties into the subject of this article. TWO years ago, the strange circumstances of Kate's life were already being publicly questioned – "She just seems to be killing time until William finally pops the question, which seems a little desperate in this day and age."

          Also, remember we are not talking about some random celebrity couple. We are discussing the woman who has been dating the man that may be King of England one day.

          I do question though, the reasoning behind some of Kate's sycophantic fans. I can't help but think that their reasons for clinging to her as a future bride has more to do with their own crooked Cinderella fantasies.

          Try Googling 'Kate Middleton jobs' and see what comes up.

          http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/lostinshow

  11. I've seen that video. It's very effective. :-)

  12. personally, I can't understand why anyone would want to marry someone who needs to be persuaded to marry THEM. I think the problem with longterm cohabitation is that it indicates that one of the two is not fully committed. Why would you want to commit to someone who isn't fully committed to you?

    • If someone is really committed why do you need a giant ceremony and a legal document to keep them from easily leaving you?

      • Giant weddings are pointless and wasteful, and the white dress thing is a farce. The symbolism is sexist and irrelevant and the whole thing is a manufactured tradition that (among other things) makes the whole wedding industry a lot of money. However, a marriage ceremony itself is intended to be an affirmation of committment.

        One person can leave another whether the couple is married or not. You can't keep someone from leaving, and as I said about getting married, why would you want to? The point is that both people are declaring that they won't be leaving.

        There are still lots of people in the world for whom marriage is a sacrament. One that you enter into willingly and knowingly with the intention of making it work. Sometimes you are wrong. And there are some who get married in church so they'll have a nice backdrop for the photos. Those people are hypocrites, or narcissists, or maybe they are just sheep doing what everyone else does without really thinking about it.

    • oh… that is so damn profound, simple and yet so incredibly true. We have been together for almost 6 years, 3 of which we have been cohabitating. I tried to get some form of direction about a year ago by yes you guessed it, the ultimatum. So I got the "promise" ring pretty much at the last possible second and it was not romantic at all. I stopped wearing it a few months ago as it occurred to me that it really signifies nothing other than "shut up and wait".

  13. In 2010 this is just sad. Women – move on with your life. If your partner is not willing to commit – dump him. I see too many smart, educated women hanging onto relationships that are going nowhere. Our great grandmothers were right – why buy the cow when he gets the milk for free.

  14. I found this article to be a bit strange
    i was with a woman who would n't commit to me after being with her for a year and half. I wanted to get married and start settling down but she had other plans. these days i feel women can be just as non commital as men. As for the benefits of cohabitating when we lived together we shared all the house work and making meals so
    i don't really get what this article is all about. It sounds like just another article ragging on guys. Personally i'd love to find a woman to marry ,share a life with and develop a deep relationship.

    • ooooh! you are so sweet. Jay, and i am sure you will find your star who wants nothing else but spend light and dark times with you.LOL

  15. why is it assumed that the only viable relationship goal for women is marriage?

  16. don'[t be fooled my love. I date a Man for few years now…he has told me how commited he is to me and would love to Marry me….but he could not propose to me, he could not go shop for the ring and neither could he propose to me with a candy.
    I had the same idea for years, i need no ring and no paper to be committed…..but it is not true all the time.
    At times, the proposing process brings the feeling in ones stomach of if you are the one or not (especially while going through buying the ring for example)
    But when you just live together….sometimes it is just a feeling of not wanting to commit also in a different way…lazy to move on….noone could hold you responsible for the promise you made loud to commit…IT IS A SAFE HEAVEN!
    "i can stay here forever or i can go…i have promised noone nothing"

  17. Ashley, there are not rules of sticking with baby daddy or being Married.
    the question you need to ask yourself "How much is Marriage important for you? Does it matter what you get in a Marriage or just the act and the status of being a Married person feels fabulous.

    so if this "i never want to get married" guys gives butterflies, loves you tender, respects you and the children you were blessed together, does not mess around …..then for me would have been more crucial …
    but each is on, so you need to revisit your Values and what important for you….
    do you feel that he loves you and you love him?????
    Did you feel you wanted to Marry him because he said in the beginning of the relationship he wanted to marry you?

    go jogging and these things makes better sense or do some kick boxing…this will keep you in check physically and emotionally…don't ask me why….

  18. They could ask if they want to. There's no reason to hold back especially when you are waiting for like what 6 years?

  19. Sure women should go ahead and ask if they want to, but like men when they propose, they must be prepared for rejection as that is a distinct possibility. The fact is that most men are pretty sure of the answer they will get when they ask, but the type of women discussed in this article would really be going out on a limb because the man involved hasnt put forward the idea himself and therefore there is a good chance he wont want to marry. But after all many people are rejecting marriage as a lifestyle today anyhow, and both genders have issues with this aging institution. As a result the marriage rate has dropped to almost half of what it was in the 1970s…not sure what this means for society and the raising of the next generation, but it seems an unstoppable trend at present.

  20. Call me old fashioned but I think that living together without marriage is an avoidance of the full responsibility and
    charms of lawfully wedded bliss. Prince William should marry Kate soon to make an honest woman of her.

  21. Do you want to get married? Yet you are already living as married couple, doing everything married people do. Do you present yourself as a special commodity that is rare to find on the market or you are for free and of no value?

    You think you have found your "Prince Charming" and ready to do anything he asked you to do. Well, when he has seen all he need to see before proposing he thinks they must be something better out there for him. He is now thinking of his "Cinderella' may be still out there. It is true some men are an exception and keep to their promise till the end. But how can you differentiate the real one from the fake one.

  22. I hate this "women are all dying to get a man to marry them" crap. I've been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. The thought of marriage still makes me break into hives in fear. I make sure to drop hints every six months or so that I am in no hurry to get married, to ward off potential proposals for as long as I can!

  23. Isn't it time he proposed? – Interesting topic to discuss.

  24. I couldn't agree with you more. The lack of communication between two people about their goals and values could lead to a devastating end. Truth be told, there are some women out there that subconsciously wish that they could be "the one" to change their partner's mind about marriage. If they are willing to take that risk then so be it, but the bottom line comes down to your own personal happiness. You deserve love and you deserve marriage (if you value it deeply). Women (and men) need to let their voices be clear about what they want and need, be it marriage or common law.

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