A mother who leaves her child may be so ashamed of the choice she's made that she becomes a "secretive, hermit-like creature," according to a new self-help book aimed at the thousands of guilt-ridden mothers who live apart from their kids. A Mother Apart: How to Let Go of Guilt and Find Happiness Living Apart From Your Child is a hands-on workbook in which British therapist Sarah Hart writes, "Mothers who don't live with their children are regarded at best as an oddity, at worst unnatural and selfish."

When Hart herself was young, divorced and strapped for cash, she sent her four-year-old daughter to South Africa to be raised by the child's father, and she kept the girl's 18-month-old brother. "I'm sure every parent reading this will wonder how could any mother choose between her children but, as agonizing as it was, I truly believed I was doing the right thing — for them." These days, Hart works one-on-one, north of London, counselling other moms who don't live with their children. Mothers apart often lie about having kids, denying them all together, says Hart. At other times they babble haphazardly, telling strangers, "Actually, I lost custody. I had a mental breakdown. Charlie lives with his father."

In Hart's "Finding the Words Exercise," she suggests mothers rehearse answers to such painful questions as, "How did you come to be separated from your child?" Practise your response out loud, she says. If the question comes from a colleague or official, "the conversation should progress on a need-to-know basis." Remember your body language, she adds — "head level, body relaxed. All you need to say is, 'I don't feel that it's appropriate for us to discuss this.' " If a casual friend at a BBQ comments: "Children, they're such a handful. Do you have any?", the right answer is something like: "Yes, I have an 11-year-old who lives in Norway with his father, so I don't have to deal with all this running around on a full-time basis." "Keep it short and sweet," writes Hart.

Expect society's harshest judgment to come from women who've miscarried or who've lost a child in a tragic way, warns Hart. "It's wise, too, to be mindful of the strong maternal feelings of new mothers. Perhaps, like me, you can remember the intense protective feelings in the early weeks of motherhood when the thought of being separated from your child would lead to nightmares and fantasies of fighting off anyone who came between you and your baby."

Expect also that your child may be "very, very angry." Remember "even if the only thing your daughter has to say to you is how much she hates you, take heart. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is." If your child sends an angry text message, "Let her express her anger without letting the content affect you too much," writes Hart. Tell her, "I know you are very angry. I'm truly sorry that things have turned out this way."

Keep a "memory box," she suggests, and log all the returned letters and unopened presents that get sent back. "Keeping returned letters, or noting a phone call or text message you sent for which you didn't get a response is a way of being able to reality check in really dark hours. Women tend to focus on what they haven't done."

It's a way, says Hart, "of affirming to yourself that you're doing everything you can. When the time comes for that child to seek out the mother, you'll have something to show them when they come back." Be willing, too, to answer questions repeatedly over the years. "Your child's capacity for understanding the past will change as she grows."

To help stay connected, find out what your child's favourite TV show is and watch it. Read the same book and discuss it over the phone, suggests Hart. Also, prepare for the arrival of a new mother figure in your child's life. This new figure may take the shape of your ex's mother, his sister, or his new girlfriend. "It can be very distressing to think that another woman has taken your place in the family home." One mother told Hart she was devastated when her daughter stopped calling her Mom, and started calling her by her first name, Kathryn. "I heard her call her stepmother Mom. It felt like a knife turning inside me."

Stay calm; don't react, says Hart. "Don't back yourself into a corner insisting that you're the only mom in her life." Kathryn's daughter is an adult now and she's since been reinstated as "Mom."

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