Really ‘Kate,’ you should have known

 

It’s only been a few hours since People magazine confirmed that the couple has split but already reports are flying about why and how. (As always, I will go here for the most erudite analysis of the event.)

Was the five-year Xenu contract up? Was it his recent turn in Rock of Ages? The platforms?

In any case, here are five things that probably should have tipped Katie–oops, I mean “Kate”–off.

1. Jumping on Oprah’s couch like a maniac. It started off sort of funny, I guess, this 44-year-old dude about to marry sweet Joey from Dawson’s Creek, 16 years his junior. But it quickly descended into a dark, deeply disturbing display of a psychotic.
2. Uh, not to come down on the religions of the world or anything, but Scientology? If you’re not convinced the cult-like organization, which has managed to reportedly enrapture 8 million recruits–including countless Hollywood stars and actor-wannabees–isn’t nuts, then give this New Yorker story about director and screenwriter Paul Haggis, one of the few former devotees who managed to leave the church, a read. It’s long, but oh-so-worth-it.
3. Remember back in 2005 on the Today show when Matt Lauer asked Tom about criticizing Brooke Shields for taking medication for post-partum depression? “I’ve never agreed with psychiatry, ever,” said Cruise, referring to it as a pseudo-science.  “Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn’t believe in psychology.” Even though he apologized in 2008, it still seemed like a bonkers move.
4. Here’s a doozy: Tom tried to back-date his separation from Nicole Kidman, who apparently had no idea he was leaving her, in order to save a buck: Once you pass the decade mark in California, more money is up for grabs when it comes to divorce. So even though they reportedly renewed their vows around Christmas, when Cruise filed for divorce the following February, he is said to have said the marriage had been over by early December, just missing their 10-year anniversary. She played hardball, and reportedly won. What could be worse? Oh wait, found it: Kidman miscarried right after the separation and Cruise was reportedly cold-hearted about it.
5. Have you ever seen the 1985 fantasy film Legend? That was just one year before Top Gun, but Cruise looks so young in it. There’s also a unicorn, a dwarf and and Lord of Darkness whose look always deeply disturbed me as a kid. I haven’t figured out a concrete reason why his role in this Ridley Scott-directed movie should’ve tipped Holmes off, but I still think there’s something there, isn’t there?