ALERT: Do not read this column if you watch Game of Thrones but have not yet seen the episode featuring the wedding of King Joffrey.
To: Our Valued Clients
From: Weddings of Westeros Inc.
Please forgive the bulk raven but it has come to our attention that a number of you intend to cancel your bookings and look elsewhere for a wedding planner. In light of recent developments, this is understandable—but we urge you to reconsider.
Granted, two of our recent high-profile marriage celebrations did not go exactly as planned. At the Twins, many thousands died at the hand of Lord Frey. (Fathers of the bride—so temperamental!) At King’s Landing, one guest comment card we collected best summed up Joffrey’s wedding feast: “It was a lovely and beautiful event, except for the regicide.”
What with all the murdering, it’s natural for any bride to be experiencing cold feet. But let’s focus on the facts. Over the past decade, 58 per cent of all marriage celebrations planned by Weddings of Westeros have ended in a killing or a mass killing. This is the lowest rate in the whole of the Seven Kingdoms. No wedding planner since the dawn of the First Men has offered you a better chance at a magical, survivable wedding!
And we’re taking action to further improve our record. Effective immediately, we are recommending that all couples refrain from having The Rains of Castamere played during the reception. That song seems to lead inexorably to homicides. We continue to cautiously advocate repeated playings of The Chicken Dance, despite its history of leading inexorably to suicides.
Here’s the bottom line: It’s our job to make your special day as unforgettable and non-fatal as possible, whether your guest list includes a few inbred relations or several thousand members of your unstoppable army of emancipated eunuchs.
Call us old-fashioned, but we don’t believe the treasonous slaughter of one of the realm’s five kings and his retinue of bannermen is any reason to put the party on hold. This is your day! That’s why all our wedding planners are trained in impromptu fun-time games like “Pin the Head of the Dire Wolf to the Deceased.” It’s all about customer service.
Before you consider switching, please reflect on the many valuable extras offered exclusively by Weddings of Westeros:
- Separate “kiddie table” for all bastards.
- Discrete handling of seating assignments to reflect sensitive issues relating to infidelity, blood feuds, past rapes and ongoing incest.
- We specialize in dwarf fights and corpse removal!
- All speeches by members of the wedding party are delivered before a backdrop of three naked prostitutes getting it on, thereby making the exposition tolerable.
- We personally handle the murdering of anyone who clinks goblets.
But don’t just take our word for it. Here are a few testimonials from our clients:
“The parts of the wedding reception for which I was present went off without a hitch.”—Roslin Frey
“I thought nothing could top my first husband being assassinated by a shadow monster.”—Margaery Tyrell, (possible) Queen of the Seven Kingdoms
“Marrying into the family that beheaded my father, and would later help orchestrate the brutal slayings of my mother and brother, was the worst of the many terrible days of my unbearable life. The ﬂowers were fine.”—Sansa Stark
Are some of your guests now hesitant to attend your celebration? Remind them that, statistically speaking, a wedding ranks among the safest places to be in Westeros. Here are just a few of the activities more likely to result in death: drinking in a tavern; sitting around a campfire; guarding someone; saying something; sleeping; waking up; walking anywhere; meeting any person in any place at any time.
Whether you’re joining together in matrimony as a result of threat, coercion, money, scheming, vengeance, prophesy or boredom, it is the dream of every girl in the Seven Kingdoms to marry and, subsequently, mourn, the man of her dreams.
We encourage you to trust in Weddings of Westeros. And firm up your date now to avoid disappointment. Winter is coming.
Wildlings pay double the damage deposit.