The men you should never marry

If he has no friends, or if you can’t see in him the qualities you want in your children, run

by By Julia Mckinnell

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If love is blind, “marriage is like a trip to the optometrist’s office,” warns an 81-year-old priest from New Jersey in a new book for women designed to help them evaluate whether the man they’re dating is marriage material. Up front, Father Pat Connor addresses those who might question his authority to speak on the topic. “You might be thinking, ‘He’s a priest. He’s never been married,’ and in that you would be correct.” But, he goes on, “for over 50 years I have had the privilege of speaking with young women on the subject of whom not to marry. These women have opened their hearts and minds while bringing me their questions.” Questions such as: “Is money really important in a marriage?” “Yes. Yes. Yes, to that one,” he writes in Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice From a Higher Authority.

Remember, he writes, “You can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.” If you’re thinking love conquers all, “it doesn’t,” he writes. Top on his list is, “Never marry a man who cannot hold down a job.” Then there’s “never marry a man who has no friends.”

When a portion of Father Pat’s list appeared in the New York Times, a twice-married and divorced woman sent him her own version: “Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Never marry a man who notices all of your faults but never any of his own. Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue for child support. Never marry a man whom your children don’t like.”

Father Pat advises women to take a year between the decision to marry and the wedding. “Use the engagement as a time to ask questions,” such as, “What would I be glad to know about him that’s impossible to know in the first few months of dating?”

He writes about one woman whose fiancé loved to shop for expensive clothes. “Then he wants to go to pricey restaurants to show them off,” she told Father Pat. “I prefer eating at home and wearing my comfortable clothes. How can I change him to like the simpler life?” “Change him? Forget it! He’s a bad risk for marriage. I’m afraid it’s just that simple,” Father Pat told her.

One of his must-haves is physical attraction. “There used to be, in one of the formulas used at weddings, a wonderful sentence that was said by each spouse in turn: ‘With my body, I thee worship.’ If you feel no physical attraction to him, don’t marry him!”

He urges women to ask: “Has your love grown since you became serious about one another?” “Do you see in this person the qualities you want in your children?” “Do you love each other with equal intensity and are you sure your love is not one-sided?”

Beware of the “Green-Eyed Monsters.” “Envy and jealousy are as complex as they are puzzling, and they’re both destructive.” He tells of a young woman who loved to dance but complained, “my boyfriend always declines my offers to dance with me. When I’m dancing with other boys, I can feel him staring at us. How can I help him to like dancing and to stop staring?”

“You’ll probably never get your boyfriend to like dancing,” Father Pat told her, “and the staring only means that jealousy is in play here. Have a chat with him about that unlovely quality. If he persists in his jealous-laden behaviour, drop him!”

If your boyfriend has cold feet, “Never put yourself in the position of trying to persuade him to marry you. No good can come of that,” he writes. “It’s important to pay attention to those actions that convey a lack of commitment on his part.”

Adhering to dating rules is another mistake, he says. “I’m uncomfortable with this rules approach to dating—rules that take into account anything from who calls whom and when, who pays for dinner, and how many dates to have before either becoming intimate or moving on. Rules can quickly morph into ultimatums, and that’s no good for anybody.”

Also, think twice about the “fun or quirky proposals,” like eloping to Vegas “on a whim.” Father Pat urges women to “think about it. The decision to get married will affect your entire life. Do you really want to enter into something so casually?”

One couple’s modest engagement rings made him happy. The groom said, “We bought these rings, one for $15, one for $20.” The couple hoped to upgrade later on. Father Pat told them, “I hope you forget in future getting more expensive rings. Put the money toward your children’s college funds!”




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The men you should never marry

  1. Not having read the book, I can nevertheless say that,after seven plus decades of life experience and fourty plus years of marriage[to the same women],the advice given in the article is rock solid!

  2. Whenever I date a woman I try to meet her mother to see what she may look like when she gets old…if I do not like what I see then I stop dating her…

    • And she's well off out of it.

    • How shallow. Like you are not going change with time!?

    • maybe you should try to hook up with Chasity bono Cher is a gorgous. So one day Chasity should look like that too. How about Wynonna judd Naomi is beautiful. After all if the mom is good looking at the age the daugter should be.
      I believe you are in chapter 4 of men you should never marry.

    • What if she's like the father???

    • your an idoit.

    • Thats a shame, you cant always read a book from its cover. Human relationships are far more complex than this simple attitude. Look for someone who can and does grow emotionally.We dont always end up like our mothers, we can learn and grow and chage. Thats what makes a heathy functional human being. If you are just talking about looks than thats a shame.

    • Good point Frank – it's always important to consider how our partners might age although it's important to focus on other things beyond attractiveness (e.g. early on-set dementia, obesity). I also take an interest in how a partner treats his or her parents. Nothing could be more unattractive than a partner who is rude to their mother!

    • hahaha thats hilarious, i'm gonna start doing that just for fun.

  3. Frank, I doubt that would be one of Father Pat's recommendations. LOL

  4. Frank, women should also meet their fiance's fathers and see if he is balding, pot-bellied, smelly, and a couch potato who doesn't do much around the house, and belches and farts on command…Women should only marry guys whose fathers look like Sean Connery. Otherwise, a solitary life is a better option.

    • Agreed

    • lol…very well put!

    • Are you single?

    • sorry but this one i can't let go of; sean connery has openly stated that when a woman "steps out of her limits" or something very similar they do deserve a slap in the face! he also agreed that they should walk one step behind! this interview was on Oprah a couple of yrs ago (or last year) and i was so disgusted by his attitude i lost all respect

  5. There are cultures where being jealous is encouraged and accepted because apparently is shows you love the person.
    What B.S………….any a battered spouse or "loved one"……………….

  6. This article is ripe with all those evil things you mentioned. I just don't happen to see any of it, but I am sure you must be right. I mean evidence to the contrary is over-rated right?

    Its funny to me how quickly everyone lines up to throw stones while blaming the church for stone throwing. Human nature I guess. Read the article and find ANYTHING worth hating. Anything at all.

  7. Because every Catholic priest is responsible for every bad thing that's ever been done in the name of his faith, right? None of them could possibly have any relevant experience to impart to any one making any important decision in their lives.

    Anti-Catholic bigotry lives.

  8. Why is there so little literature encouraging men to be more choosy about the women they date and marry? Where is the sympathy for all the guys who get stuck with a total see-you-next-Tuesday for a wife? At least women get the benefit of being able to pretty accurately anticipate what they're in for; guys have less of a habit of hiding their true selves before entering into a conjugal relationship. On the flip side, if I had a nickel for every guy I've known who married a chick he thought was pretty swell but who turned into an unbearable control freak, let's just say I'd owe a lot in back taxes.

    What's the old adage? Women marry a man thinking he will change; men marry a woman thinking she'll stay the same.

    Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.

  9. There are some great, great priests. This man is one of them.

  10. catholic priests perform marriages, counsel marriages on the rocks, counsel pre-marital couples. From decades of this I'm sure this priest has picked up a lot of wisdom. Maybe you should see one to deal with your anger, prejudice and hate problem.

  11. Is there a list for the "women you shouldn't marry"?

    • I think these same things hold true for a man considering a woman!

  12. Why focus on the bad when they do so much good around the world? The "Church" is good but there are a few bad people in it as in any large organization. P.S. I am not Catholic.

  13. I don't see why women should be so concerned about marrying the wrong guy. After all they get the kids, the house, most of the stuff, and half the mans pay when they divorce. It really should be men who are the picky ones.

    • "half the mans pay"…and when the woman brings home the bacon?? then what. please. you are obviously just a bitter guy.

    • your dreaming buddy. I got nothing but bills when I divorced my husband. Catch up on the rules. It's 50/50 EVENTHOUGH the MAN did EVERYTHING TO LOSE ALL HIS MONEY…Get with the program!

      • And this is the reason why I'm scared of dating people! So hard to find genuine people now a days…

  14. this is all very comical to me….ive never been married, but after reading some of the comments on here, im thinking im better off being single and just dating here and there….

    • Same shoes as you and I think it's better off not being married.

      • just in difference of "women", not all of them are like that; just as not all men are "skirt chasers" i think when the affair (s); this is a real touchy subject that unfortunately is on the rise esp w/ women becoming more important; pls don't take this the wrong way i simply wanted to say it is definitely new and sadly on the increase

  15. Who should take this priest or, indeed, this article seriously? Me! I am married more than 40 years and the priest is right. Why do you generalize that all priests are bad because some are? Should I presume that you are to be hated because I once met a man named Bill who was detestable? Be reasonable, Bill.

  16. I bet very few of the couples who follow his advice are ever divorced. Mainly because his advice always seems to be "dump him!"

  17. I agree. There is no harm in being solely independent and having the choice on who you want to stick around on your terms.

    • Your terms, eh? Obviously the concept of a mutual relationship eludes you. People stick around in prisons because of someone else's terms, not in a relationship. Buy lots of cats, Dana; you'll surely need the company in your old age.

  18. Excellent advice. Of course a lot of people will be offended. I am sure that someone could write a list of women that men should avoid as well. The truth is that there are a great number of unhappy unions which could be prevented if people gave the matter more consideration. Being a spouse is really a huge responsibility.

    • you said that so well i just had to let you know; out in the world we will all meet people and even find some attractive, so ask urself this question: "Is this guy really worth potentially losing my family, my kids and the life you and your spouse have….remember relationships are work at times but people don't even want to be bothered waiting for that! take a really good look around you and your friends and ask yourself "is my life REALLY that bad

  19. The advise goes both ways. it is a matter of knowing your own self prior to expecting the other person's commitment. as commit, meant
    has to be both sided. If each party do their what they committed and taking that responsibility, there will be few divorces.

  20. I think the most important factor is how well you like her family. My first wife came out of a totally dysfunctional home, her father a perfectionist and rageaholic. We made it to 15 years, but truth be known, I should have ended things ten years before. My second marriage was everything the first was not, and I really did love her parents for the most part. We just passed 20 years together, and she is still my best friend in the world.

  21. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage….it take two to tango…..a solid foundation of friendship is i guess the key…..trust,understanding,honesty and responsibility….enjoy each other but let each other grow in its own way with friends…..respect their privacy at times…..jealously destroys a relationship……

    • Well Said

      • I second that!

    • Well said!!

  22. What little this article tells, it's true!
    If I had followed common sense, which this seems to indicate, I could have saved myself a couple of needless trips to the alter!!

  23. Wow… why is it all on the men? Should this not apply the other way around as well in todays' "equal" society? I find this quite sexist. Sure, many of the points might be bang-on but would there not be controversy over saying that a man should never be with a woman who does not have money…? Just sayin'.

    • I absolutely agree with you. Money is great to have but you can't just say that if a guy has no money don't marry him. You shouldn't base your marriage on the quantity of money. If you want to expand your income then I understand but if you are looking for a life partner, a best friend and happy life with one another, money isn't everything. My parents didn't have any money when they met and got married but they managed to get through it and that made them even stronger, they have been married now for 40 years and are very happy, as well as my husband and I work but i can't say that we have money and we love each other very much. Money is nothing if you don't have respect, trust, understanding, listening, friendship, and sharingand fun together.

    • He didn't say that a man had to have money; he said to avoid a man who couldn't keep a job. There's a huge difference- the former is more a measure of a woman's "golddigger" qualities, while the latter is a pretty good indication of whether this man is going to be able to handle mortages, children, and all those other pesky realities of adult life.

      And this isn't sexist- men long expected women to stay home, bored out of their minds raising babies and cooking casseroles. How would you feel doing the least fun, most labour-intensive work of the family, denied the right to get a job and then looked down on because you didn't work. AND THEN, when women were finally allowed in the workforce, they faced harassment/discrimination, unequal pay, and attitude from husbands whose manhood had been threatened by their wives' competence. YOu really can't have it both way. Men already expect women to be thin, beautiful, perfectly groomed, and charming- but if they expect the guy to pay for dinner, they're golddiggers. Maybe they spent all their money on makeup and gym memberships to get the guy in the first place.

    • Trying to apply the same concept of goldiggers to men can pretty much be considered moot. Men don't seem to really consider this a factor when choosing a wife, they instead are too intimidated by a woman who DOES make money and is successful to even consider going out with her.

      pff

  24. I think that the advice is good however we should look at why men and women both change after marriage. We tend to notice all of our parteners imperfections that we didn't see before; However being a women and a wife and mother we are the ones who set the feeling and the tone of our households. It is our responsibility where we want to or not to make sure our husbands feel appreciated and loved for everything they do especially if you are a stay at home Mom. When they walk through the door hand them a beer and give them 20 minutes to clear their heads and unwind then maybe they would be more apt to listen to how are day was instead of pouncing on him the minute he walks through the door. The divorce rate is high because people choose to not work on the marriage and are forever thinking about what they are entitled too instead of focusing on serving their spouse. If you serve your husband he will in return serve you. It's win win people just don't realize this.

    • yes if the husband wants it to work. Some men are plain cold and don't have already given up on their marriage because they did not marry for love. Some spouses do not care about whether they are being served, they just want out. Therefore all the effort is one sided. We all know that doesn't work. One hand cannot clap, and one wing cannot be used to fly.

    • I understand the 'give and take' equality concept, but serving?? Really?? Are we back in the dinosaur ages? Just because you're a stay at home mom doesn't mean that you must be your husband's maid. Sure give him a bit of time to relax after work, everyone needs it, but SERVING him? The man will eventually just get used to you serving him and come to expect it and not appreciate it. I'm not saying all guys are going to want a woman who will be their servant but women should really know and be aware of what the guy expects of her and vice versa before marriage. If he wants a servant then he should make it clear, or hire a maid. Stay-at-home moms need to 'clear their heads and unwind' but when do they get to do that when they're taking care of him?

  25. All his observations and opinions I completely agree with. How about what woman not to marry? That would be refreshing to read. Through my observations, woman appear to have more built in attracting features, and pretty much get the final say, hence, are the ones who really allow the relationship to get to a point like marriage and to also be the primary concern on the topic of marriage, appears to create a completely one sided scenario… Just a thought.

    • well its too bad that there isnt equality in life. for the time that worman have been supressed throughout history, this "unfair sexism" is tiny in comparison.

  26. I completely agree with the priest and i could add a few more to his list,however it goes for both male and female. When they show you who they are, believe them!!

  27. It would be interesting to see which women not to marry just to be fair. Also, from personal experience, it is not always the end of the world if the man has no friends, as the love of my life does not and he is loving, kind and well-rounded just the same. I think too many limitations are placed on love, after all, only you know whom you belong with. It does not take another person's advice, just your own instincts. As long as there is open and honest communication, in addition to love.

  28. Some of this advice seems a little archaic. And how does someone who says "Rules can quickly morph into ultimatums, and that's no good for anybody" justify writing a book that's basically a bunch of rules?

  29. The priest forgot an important thing. When you are dating and you are hit with the feeling of what in the world am I doing here —–RUN. Any attempt to undo that feeling willl haunt the relationship for its duriation.

  30. A priest has the fortune of never being married. Although he may see and council many married couples, he has never been married or had a relationship since becoming a priest. I think both wisdom and experience should temper each other. A Rabbi, Pastor or Iman who has managed to stay in a marriage that adds to his life is a better example than a person who can never marry.

  31. The Priest can add this to his list as well;
    Check the backgrounds for mental illnesses.
    I married a man that was severly bi-polar with no treatment.
    Very brutal. I stayed 8 years and 3 children later. I also suffer from depression but am being treated. I've never lied to my kids about this and make sure that they and I keep tabs on things. Sadly, my 22 year old beautiful daughter married a person that seemed nice to begin with, but after the wedding, he turned into this unpredictable brute. It turns out there's a family history of severe mental illness on his side. This is such a heart breaking time. Just do your homework …men and women.

  32. I don't understand why men are reacting to this article? The title is clear about its topic, I'm sure there are articles which cover the other side! ie. "The women you should not marry". I was married 18 years and am now divorced. I found this article to be very sound in advice and believe that a lot can be learned and understood through observation. Ultimately we are responsible for our choices so the more aware we are of ourselves the more we will understand the actions of others. Self-awareness is your best defence….when you understand why you behave the way you do it will give you insight into the behaviour of those around you! Whenever I get angry of behave badly I have learned to ask myself why I acted so poorly. As I spend time thinking it through I usually can figure it out; this insight can lead to improvement!

  33. What you see is what you get! The biggest issue people face is thinking that this behavior will change. After finding the strength to get out of an abusive relationship I realized that the behaviour I was putting up with was behaviour I would have never tolerated from friends. What is it about intimate relationships that makes us blind? Being strong, confident and knowing your values before you enter a relationship will make it easier to see the red flags and run! Time will not change these behaviours and no amount of love will fix them! Accept no less than you deserve from any relationship!

  34. After 5 years of marriage I should have realized that all women are nuts and just stayed with the hot crazy chick who was great in the sack. Marriage is borring and dull and being a husband is the most thanksless job in the the world on the other side of the coin being a Dad is the best. So take the good and bad. If you don't want to have kids don't get married. I would never leave as I wouldn't leave my son to be raised by a bitter single Mom.

  35. Father Pat Connor was right on the money. I've know many people who married someone who couldn't hold down a job or refused to pay child support, it never turns out well.

    The "rule" he forgot that I would add is: marry someone you love to talk to.

  36. Reality is that women are biologically the selectors, the men vie for the women's attention, and she eventually chooses based on various factors – stamina, overall health, being a good provider.

  37. Men on the other hand aren't typically as selective as women, they will pursue whomever they have an interest in the moment. They have an easier time of seeing the women they are with as potential mates, or something to pass the time. They have switches that can flip either way – if they see/feel something amazing, that woman can now be seen as a potential mate. But changing the fling to anything more than such is a lot more difficult.
    women are much more emotional and don't have as easy a time flipping that switch, we have that innate need to nurture. Men have an easier time being able to move on when things aren't what they are looking for.

    That's why there are a lot more articles suggesting women broaden their scope for dating potential suitors. A good marjority are stuck searching for the non existent ideal mate – when there are some fantastic men out there (given the opportunity of course!!)
    Men are just better at dating what interests them at the time without reservation, and moving on when it doesn't feel right.

  38. a lst of women not to marry would have balanced things out. anyways, just about everything the priest said was bang on!!!

  39. Yes he is true.

    I never wanted a marriage and kids because I can use my money as capital to buy stocks at the stock exchange. One has to give up many things in life for something much better.

    This is one chance to be a capitalist and I don't mind giving up my future marriage and future kids for a chance to become a capitalist. Never loose money !

  40. From what I read here, I agree with most of what Father Pat is saying. It’s said by a priest. Whom I assume is catholic. So in reading it one should realize that divorce has not been an option in that religion. I for one have been married twice. BOTH ending in divorce because I didn’t see the “red flags” and/or I thought there were things that one changes when saying those vows. I was wrong on both. One was physical and mental abuse. The other was things that we tried to get counceling help and failed. But both were due to ignorance as well as looking the other way and thinking “things would change!” The only changes I see happening are maybe growing older and wiser, plus knowing each others expectations BEFORE marraige and communicating before and during. I’ve was married for 5yrs first. And 14 yrs second time. I’ve been alone now for 10 yrs and know now if ever the time comes again? I know exactly why I’m there and knowing I can live with that person without any doubts in their character. I’m very honest, so there wouldn’t be much if anything a man wouldn’t previously know before making that commitment. And to the ignorant person who wants to check out mom. What does he think HE willl look like as he ages? That to me it’s immature and he should wait a long time to grow up first. A mistake may make. Too young and doesn’t know real love.

  41. What is the reasoning behind not marrying a man who has no friends? He didn’t state why.

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