A letter to the parents of 2nd grade students at Pine Ridge Elementary

Dear Parents,

In light of the recent swine flu outbreaks across the globe, we at Pine Ridge Elementary are reminding all parents to continue taking precautions to prevent the spread of this pandemic amongst our students during the summer so they can return healthy in the fall.

Please make sure that your child washes his or her hands thoroughly and regularly. To facilitate this good habit, we at Pine Ridge Elementary will be offering disinfectants to all students and teachers. Sharing food amongst students is generally discouraged, particularly at this time.

If your child is exhibiting signs of a flu, please keep your child at home as to not risk the safety of other students. Take your child to see a doctor immediately and get the appropriate vaccines necessary if they are indeed ill with the virus. Notifying Pine Ridge is also important, so we can keep tabs on any spreads amongst the child’s friends.

Once your child has been vaccinated, however, they are not completely in the clear. We ask that you keep your child at home as to not risk other individuals, but also to take other precautions. Garlic or holy water will work on milder cases, but if it’s a more severe case, a silver bullet to your child’s forehead will suffice. This can be purchased at any regular hardware store.

It is also essential that you make sure your child is 100 per cent dead and not just faking. Double checking is vital — tap them, call their name, or load another bullet. Again, please notify Pine Ridge Elementary in this extreme case.

Pine Ridge Elementary will also be handing out face masks for students and staff. We further suggest that students and parents wear these at home as well to reduce exposure.

Early detection is vital: if your son or daughter seems to be showing any of the signs of swine flu, it’s important to catch them. Sneezing, coughing, runny noses, fevers, chills, stomach aches, moaning, eating flesh, drinking blood and Satanism are just a few signs. If you can identify any of these conditions in your child, it is absolutely necessary that you kill them at your earliest convenience.

We at Pine Ridge Elementary reiterate: it is necessary that you neutralize your child as a threat and kill them. Swine flu is very contagious and is potentially fatal. Pine Ridge is also supplying parents and staff with wooden stakes for the most extreme of cases.

We remind all parents that Pine Ridge Elementary has the best interests of our students at heart, and hope that they all remain healthy throughout the summer and the following school year. Still, we must inform parents that if a student is found to have the virus and is within school bounds, we will find them, and we will beat them.

On a final and unrelated note, please remember that the PTA has made new guidelines about birthday party invitations. To avoid conflict and hurt feelings, students must invite everyone in their class if they choose to invite five or more classmates. Even Veeran.

If you have any questions this summer, or next year, please do not hesitate to contact Pine Ridge Elementary.

Martha Greene
Principal