Advice from the entitled: How to get a job after graduation

Ten surefire ways to make sure you’ll be in your parents’ basement for a very, very long time


 

The following list was inspired by Trina Thompson; the 27-year-old, lawsuit-happy, unemployed Monroe College grad. My OnCampus colleague, Jeff Rybak, discusses the issue here, aptly noting that there is much more to this story than a punch line. But alas, for me, the punch line is just too good to resist.

How To Get a Job After Graduation

1. Get your name out there

It’s best if the word “loon” doesn’t share any page space, however.

2. Assert your value

Parade just how unemployable you are through a widely publicized lawsuit.

3. Illustrate your social conscience

Suing at a time when millions of seasoned workers are being laid off will reveal just that.

4. Invest in an Oxford Dictionary

C-o-u-n-s-e-l-o-r

5. And a Good Grammar Book

“They favor more toward students that got a 4.0. They help them more out with the job placement.”

6. Be demure

Demanding $2,000 for stress because you’ve been unemployed for three months shows you can deal with pressure. Cool, calm and collected: that’s you!

7. Show your interpersonal skills

Involve your mommy.

8. Make meaningful theoretical contributions to your field

Get your ideas out there and change the way people think. For example, Thompson has shown us that post-secondary degrees and Velcro shoes aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

9. Boast transparency

Take after Thompson and put it all out there. Through her fuss, employers who would have been solely concerned with her work experience now know about her 2.7 GPA. So uncheck “private” on all your semi-conscious, under-clothed, deliciously inebriated Facebook photos and wait for the offers to flood in.

10. Be a community advocate

Thanks to Thompson, universities are now thinking about offering new common sense courses. On the table are:

The Art of Lawn Maintenance

Crossing the Street: More than Technique

Colouring Inside the Lines: For Advanced Artists

Way to go, trailblazers!

Alright, we’ve had our fun, but who knows? Maybe Thompson’s out-of-the-box thinking will land her a position at a prestigious law firm, or else get her her own reality show. A quick Google search of “Liebeck v. McDonald’s restaurants” or “Octomom” will reveal that neither is beyond the realm of possibility. I guess we won’t be laughing then.


 

Advice from the entitled: How to get a job after graduation

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