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What 9-year-old me thought my parents were actually saying when they spoke Hindi in front of me

“I tell her I love her just as much as her brother but I really don’t.”


 

Father: Our plan is going along nicely.
Mother: Indeed. In no time we will have ruined her life and any chance for social acceptance she ever had before she graduates.
Father: What are your plans for the future?
Mother: Well first off, I’m not going to let her shave until she’s in junior high even though the kids at school are already calling her Scaachi the Sasquatch.
Father: That’s great because she’s already really bushy for a fifth-grader.
Mother: Then I won’t let her wear makeup for, like, ever.
Father: Oh that’s going to be a crushing blow because all the girls in grade nine will be wearing makeup, even her best friend Jennifer, but she won’t be allowed.
Mother: I secretly like Jennifer better.
Father: Me too.
Mother: What are you going to do?
Father: Well, when she’s twelve and tells me she wants to be a singer, I’m going to totally laugh in her face.
Mother: Awesome.
Father: Then I’m going to catch her sharing candy with a boy at school when she’s in junior high and then yell at her for communicating with the opposite sex and lecture her about how she can get diseases for sharing things like that with males.
Mother: Sounds good.
Father: And when she’s seventeen, I’m going to make her curfew ridiculous, like 7 p.m., and never let to go to any parties ever even though everyone else is going.
Mother: That’ll be hilarious. Did you know she has a crush on Julian Back? I read it in her diary but she doesn’t know I actually read it because I’m so good at putting it back in the exact same spot.
Father: Pfft, like that’s ever going to happen. First off, he’s dating Melanie Craig.
Mother: Yeah, and he gave her a stuffed bumblebee so they’re obviously in love.
Father: Hey, we should start yelling at each other so she thinks we’re having an argument and not actually taking about her.
Mother: THAT’S A REALLY GOOD IDEA BUT SHE’S TOO STUPID TO CATCH ON ANYWAY!
Father: YEAH, SHE WAS SUCH A MISTAKE TO GIVE BIRTH TO!!
Mother: LETS NEVER EXPLAIN TO HER HOW THAT HAPPENS!!!
Father: OKAY!!!!
Mother: I tell her I love her just as much as her brother but I really don’t.
Father: What about high school and university? What do we do then?
Mother: Lets call all her high school teachers and get them to replace her Math homework and tests with harder ones so she has an inordinate amount of self-loathing and angst for a 15-year-old when she fails everything except English.
Father: Then lets belittle her career choice.
Mother: When she’s in university, lets pretend like we miss her.
Father: We won’t really.
Mother: I’m secretly on the side of Jaida, the most popular girl in the fifth grade, because she’s prettier.
Father: Me too. Lets make her wear this humiliating training bra that’s really an undershirt from the ages of eight to 13 even though none of the other girls have to wear them.
Mother: When she’s eighteen, I’m going to ask her specific and probing questions about her body while using the word “intimate” over and over and over.
Father: Excellent.


 
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