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nfl picks: the unlikely source of that giant non-sucking sound


 

Scott Feschuk
Last week: 10-4-1
Season: 16-14-1

Scott Reid
Last week: 11-3-1
Season: 16-14-1

SR: Boy, you and Ed Hochuli had a little difficulty last weekend. At least he has great big muscles. You must be inconsolable. On the other hand, my genius is beginning to shine through. Not only did I do amazingly well on my picks, but my experiments are starting to really show promise. Give me another month, I’ll have opened up a huge lead on you. And more importantly I’ll be close to cloning Jimmy Smits. Then the world will bow before my coffee complexion and smoldering sexual power.
SF: How can you talk about football at a time like this? Gary Coleman is being sued for basically running over a guy because the guy tried to snap a few pictures of Coleman at a Utah bowling alley. Whatchoo tawkin’ bout, statement of claim?! And Us magazine has a banner headline about Tom Cruise’s kid, declaring: “Suri’s in pigtails!” Also, you did slightly better than me last week, which makes me a) sad, and b) convinced you’ve been possessed by the immortal soul of Jimmy the Greek. Which would also explain why you keep telling me how terrific Phyllis George’s rack is.

Let us march toward your comeuppance…

K.C. (plus 5.5) at Atlanta
SR:
Two weeks ago, Matt Ryan looked like John Elway. Last week, he looked like Gus Frerotte. This week, Gus Frerotte will look like Gus Frerotte. So who’s Ryan going to look like? Not Tyler Thigpen, whoever dat is. He’s starting for Kansas City. Herm Edwards, oozing confidence, declares that he’s going to start Thigpen but, if he falters, Edwards won’t hesitate to turn to Damon Huard. Or, possibly, the little girl who lives down the lane. Jayzuz. If this situation were any sadder it would be Red Sovine song. Pick: Atlanta.
SF:
You’re just not seeing Herm’s genius. His whole offence operates on the principle of female relationships in high school – the theory being that a homely girl’s instincts will guide her to make friends with at least one even less attractive girl, thus looking good by comparison. You can see this theory in action on the Chiefs’ sideline – Huard staring at Thigpen, Thigpen staring at Huard, both of them thinking the exact same thing: “Thank God you’re here – you are one ugly bitch.” Pick: K.C.

Oakland (plus 9.5) at Buffalo.
SR
: I’m not saying that Lane Kiffin hates Al Davis but the Raiders owner might want to invest in a food taster. Despite a victory in Kansas City last week, the papers are filled with rumours that if the talented Bills beat the assdraggy Raiders, Kiffin will be sacked. Amazingly, no one can even be bothered to deny it. Kiffin says it could happen but he’s not going to worry about it. Davis left it out there and said nothing – although to be fair he was pretty busy draining the life-essence of Bay area virgin girls. Buffalo has got it going this year and then some. Lynch is a monster. Edwards is competent. And the defence is good as always. This will be a long way from close. Pick: Buffalo.
SF:
I love my Bills, and I’m excited about how good they’ve looked so far. I’m also savvy enough to smell a trap game – it’s a kinda musty aroma, just like the smell of a really old book or Marv Levy after a rainstorm. Pick: Oakland.

Cleveland (plus 2.5) at Baltimore
SF:
The Ravens say they’re “cautiously optimistic” about Joe Flacco’s ability to be a decent quarterback in the NFL. That doesn’t sound overwhelmingly positive, but you have to put it in context. Here are some recent Baltimore QBs and the team’s feelings about their ability to be decent:

  • Kyle Boller: “guardedly neutral”
  • Kordell Stewart: “aggressively nauseous”
  • Chris Redman: “cautiously suicidal”
  • Stoney Case: “actively wondering if we were drunk when we signed him”

Pick: Cleveland.
SR’s pick: Cleveland.

Houston (plus 5.5) at Tennessee
SR:
Jeff Fisher is a darn talented coach. When he has good teams he wins. When he has bad teams he wins. Sorta makes you wonder what he’d want to take over the Liberal tour. Houston won’t be able to find a way to stop the Titans’ running game and that means a long day for the Texans as Fisher plays smashmouth and chews up the clock. The only drawback is that this game will be as boring as listening to Feschuk explain where he gets his column ideas. Pick: Tennessee
SF:
You think roughing up strangers until they say something halfway funny is boring? Pick: Houston.

Jacksonville (plus 5.5) at Indianapolis
SF:
Week Three of the NFL season so it must be… Over-reaction Sunday! It’s that special time of the year when Vegas oddsmakers place way too much importance on the results of the first two games. Here’s a classic example: Because the Jags are 0-2, they’re getting no respect despite the weakness of the Colts, a weakness that will be even weaknessier because of the absence of Bob Sanders. I like the Jags for the Super Bowl, I like them to win this game outright and I like how Sarah Palin has started emphasizing her downhome folksiness by dropping the g’s from words like fixin’ and hopin’. Also, while McCain has long insisted on using the expression “my friends” in his speeches, Palin has taken to referring to Americans as “you guys and gals.” It’s official: we are only one election and one heart attack away from the first president in U.S. history to include in the oath of office the expression, “You betcha I do!” Pick: Jacksonville.
SR:
Yeah but you’re one of those creepy dudes over 40 who can’t help but think that maybe Governor Palin should drop your ‘g’ – if you know what I mean (and if you do, tell me cause I’m not exactly sure other than it sounds sorta dirty). You’ll recall that I predicted the downfall of Indianapolis at the beginning of this season. I also predicted the popularity of Pop Rocks, so pay attention. You is right for a change. Jacksonville is going to win this game handily. Pick: Jacksonville.

Cincinnati (plus 13.5) at New York Giants
SR:
Ha. Nice try Vegas. But this line could be set at infinity and I would still refuse to put a red nickel on the Bengals. Carson Palmer must feel like he opened up a cursed tomb during the offseason. He was one of the greatest quarterbacks in the game. So far this season he’s looked like the Conservative War Room – all misfires and apologies. The Giants were supposed to suck after stealing the Super Bowl but they’ve been acting like they think they’re the world champions or something. Ridiculous. Pick: New York
SF:
There were stories all week about how the Bengals offensive line is seeking consistency. They’re also seeking the three large gentlemen who just blew by them on the way to the quarterback. Pick: New York.

Pittsburgh (plus 3) at Philadelphia
SF:
Here’s one thing I don’t get: why does every sportscaster insist on referring to Ben Roethlisberger as “Ben.” As in: Ben scrambles out of the pocket, Ben throws downfield, Ben frequently appears in my dreams as a ponytailed centaur… Is there some sort of rule on this? Does their union have a clause in the contract protecting announcers from the grueling strain of surnames with four syllables? Pick: Philadelphia.
SR:
Here’s another you don’t get: Better looking with age. Ha ha. Boy you walked into that Feschuk. Quick, pull my finger. Philadelphia is much improved this season. But they just lost a squeaker to Dallas, are coming off a short week and are facing a team that is, to use the technical term, way better than them. With points this is a blessing. Pick: Pittsburgh.

Arizona (plus 3) at Washington
SR:
Arizona is about to go 3-0 to start the season. Which, if I remember correctly, is one of the signs that we’ve slipped into a parallel dimension. That and the fact that they’re airing a new 90210. Washington won last week but I still say they blow. I read today that Jim Zorn has advised his team it may take them until American Thanksgiving to fully understand his offence. Does he get the concept of a regular sesason? Pick: Arizona.
SF:
To be fair, his offence is a lot like the last season of Lost: a bunch of confusing elements, a ton of different characters and the nagging sense that the people running the thing have no idea what’s going to happen next. Pick: Washington.

New Orleans (plus 5) at Denver
SF:
What bold and courageous feat will Mike Shanahan attempt next? Ridding the world of terrorists? Explaining to John McCain how the economy works? Eating 50 hot dogs? The man gambled big last week with that clutch-time two-point conversion and it paid off. Even weirder, with Vince Young injured/sulking and Matt Leinart busy on the bench giving handsome lessons to the third stringer, Jay Cutler has emerged as the Last Great Hope of the top QBs from the 2006 draft. I did not see that coming. Another thing I did not see coming: Bill Clinton actually going on The View next week to chat about politics, his charity work and exactly how the post-show fivesome is going to work. Pick: Denver.
SR:
Ah, Bill Clinton. He remains an inspiration to men everywhere who believe in public service and getting it where you can find it. Mike Shanahan is amazing. He always finds improbable ways to win. Curious to see what gives him this ability, scientists at the Helsinki Institute for Advanced Winniness conducted a rigorous series of tests on the Denver coach during the off-season. They discovered that he has less than 10% body fat, has remarkable powers of concentration and is 65% composed of a mysterious substance known only as Anti-Norv. Pick: Denver.

Miami (plus 12.5) at New England
SR:
Miami has not exactly looked like a talented football team in its first two weeks. In fact, it hasn’t really looked like a football team at all. More like a Japanese horror film – the kind where videotape comes to life and condemns all those who watch to a grisly fate. Must make it tricky for Sparano to break down film. What can you say for New England? Matt Cassel keeps winning. In the sense that my Aunt Mavis manages each day to stay off the Canadian Club. They’re both hanging by their fingernails and sooner or later you know it’s all going to end with a lot of ice and vomit. But not this week (for Cassel anyway). Pick: New England.
SF:
A videotape that condemns all those who watch to a grisly fate? Yeah, I rented What Happens in Vegas, too. Pick: Miami.

St. Louis (plus 9.5) at Seattle
SF:
The Rams have been outscored 79-16 this year. Going back to last season, they’ve won three of their last 18 games. Also, their new owner is named Chip. I ask you: can things get any worse? There was an article this week stating that the St. Louis coaches have been staying at Rams Park until 2 a.m. this week watching tape and working on a game plan. Sitting in front of a TV at two o’clock in the morning? Expect a game plan emphasizing the gratuitous nudity of Shannon Tweed. Pick: St. Louis.
SR:
This represents a clash of my ineptitude. My NFC pick for the Super Bowl last year – St. Louis – v. my NFC pick for the Super Bowl this year – Seattle. I’m pretty sure that one of them has to win. But you never can tell. Seattle has been banged up by injuries. St. Louis has been banged up awful. Last week, I got sucked in by a big spread and took the Rams. Well, fool me once. Pick: Seattle.

Tampa (plus 3) at Chicago
SR:
Earnest Graham is averaging more than eight yards per carry. To put that in perspective, when God took six days to invent the heavens and earth, he still only managed to pick up 6.5 yards each touch. It makes you wonder if maybe they shouldn’t hand buddy the rock a little more often. At the same time, Tampa Bay is starting Brian Griese – who declined to suggest he was looking to stick it to his old team in the Windy City. Probably wise. After all…he sucks. This game is hard to handicap. But Griese always gives the rest of the planet a slight edge. Pick: Chicago.
SF:
I’m not impressed by Tampa’s win over the Falcons. Nor by your new zebra pants. Pick: Chicago.

Carolina (plus 3.5) at Minnesota
SF:
Big changes for the Vikings this Sunday! Instead of putting Tarvaris Jackson into the game to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson on every play, they’ll be putting Gus Frerotte into the game to hand the ball to Adrian Peterson on every play. I’m not sure why one guy would be better at that than the other. Maybe Gus uses moisturizer. Pick: Minnesota.
SR:
Gus Frerotte is going to do for Minnesota what he did for…Minnesota? Or for Washington, Detroit, Cincinnati, Miami or St. Louis. Those are the teams that Gus has called home. But they are rarely sweet. Gus has this slight problem: He’s horribly ill-suited for his job. A condition that is formally known by the medical professional as Incompetus Dionai. If Minnesota is turning to Frerotte in the third week, it can only mean that by the fifth week they’ll make another turn. This time to lemon gin. Pick: Carolina.

Detroit (plus 4) at San Francisco
SR:
I can’t wait for this game!! Detroit and their creative ways of not winning are paying my team a visit – hard on the heels of an exciting intra-division victory over Seattle. Things are looking up. And everyone knows that Marz is determined to show up his old team. Rumour has it they dissed his playcalling – and even worse told him they thought he should part his hair to the side. Pick: San Francisco
SF
: Yeah, but here’s an upside to the Lions’ woes so far this year: Jon Kitna has already had several opportunities to show film directors what he could do if they cast him as Quarterback Who Dejectedly Unsnaps Helmet After Throwing Interception. Pick: Detroit.

Dallas (minus 3.5) at Green Bay
SF:
This is a huge one – an epic early season matchup between two really good teams. It’s just a shame that years from now all we’re going to remember about this big Sunday night Cowboys- Packers game at Lambeau is the mental image of a naked and weeping John Madden running onto the field and rolling around in the spot where Brett Favre last stood. Pick: Green Bay.
SR:
Other than a chance to sing “Halfbreed” on stage with Cher there are few things I want more than Dallas to limp out of Green Bay with a big foam chunk of cheese jammed up their arses. Also, I’d like them to lose. But I think this game between two fairly well-matched opponents will come down to big plays. And I think that gives the advantage to those dinks in Blue and White. Pick: Dallas.

New York Jets (plus 9) at San Diego
SF:
I’m glad to see that Vegas is finally taking my advice and coming to the realization that the Jets aren’t that much better just because they got Favre. Another piece of advice for Vegas: You know what would be smart? If once in a while, you just picked a person at random and gave them back all their gambling losses from that weekend. Just give it all back! Just pick a chubby, bespectacled Canadian named Scott completely at random and give me back all my gambling losses. Whaddaya say? Pick: San Diego.
SR:
Two things that have to happen sooner or later: the release of Chinese Democracy and a victory by SD. On the other hand, I read that Axl Rose now says that CD will be a trilogy. So who’s to say. This game features a talent gap so substantial that even Turner shouldn’t be able to find a way to screw it up. Saying that is a little like walking under a ladder while stroking a black cat and saying “Bloody Mary” three times into a hand mirror. Pick: SD.


 
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