So long, recession. We’ll miss you. -

So long, recession. We’ll miss you.

You taught many of us about our world, about ourselves, about what cat food tastes like


So long, recession. We’ll miss you.According to statistical indicators, economic analysis and the fact that millions of actual people paid actual money to see G.I. Joe, the recession is over. Quick, honey, glue the Visa card back together—we’re going shopping!

We’ve all had our ways of coping during this crisis. I for one have responded to hardship by comparing my situation to those who have lost their jobs or those who still have their jobs but have to work with Whoopi Goldberg.

It’s a useful exercise. For instance, no matter how hard you’ve been hit, you’re probably still better off than Travis Henry, the former football player who claims he can’t support the nine children he has fathered by nine different women. (Apparently, his cash reserves were drained by costs associated with legal matters and Mother’s Day.) Henry’s plight is so unappealing that I almost wonder if being imprisoned for cocaine trafficking would be a preferable pickle. Hang on, let’s ask him, since Henry was recently imprisoned for cocaine trafficking.

Now that our esteem is boosted, a question: how did we manage to emerge from the financial crisis?

1. We published approximately 2,500 books about the financial crisis. It’s an innovative idea—jumpstarting a moribund economy by writing endlessly about how the economy came to be moribund. Using the same principle, Robert DeNiro should be able to revive his reputation as a good actor by starring in a movie about how he came to be a hack actor.

2. We got bored. The Great Depression lasted the better part of a decade, but that’s because the 1930s were an era defined by primitive technology, rudimentary communications and prolonged use of the word “gams.” Our ultramodern culture gets bored of things way quicker. For instance, the swine flu earned wall-to-wall coverage until it didn’t kill enough people swiftly enough. By the same token, the recession was enthralling for a while, what with the stock market carnage, global panic and repeated utterance of “stimulus,” which made male viewers think of naked ladies—but, meh, time for something new.

3. Michael Jackson died. Within days, Apple had made roughly seven trillion dollars from impulse downloads of Jackson’s music. This caught the eye of the U.S. Treasury Secretary, who has devised a plan to respond to signs of the next economic downturn by assassinating Fleetwood Mac.

Obviously, there are some good things about the recession coming to an end. Here’s one: although I’m willing to do my part and make sacrifices, there are only so many times a man can endure a presidential speech on the ailing economy resulting in the pre-empting of Supernanny. Here’s another: the rebounding of the markets means we no longer have to pretend we have any idea what a collateralized debt obligation is. (That goes for you too, Geithner.) Best of all, we can finally stop with the cannibalism, which is a load off my—what? Why are you looking all aghast? Don’t tell you haven’t been . . . oh.

So this is what awkward feels like.

But here’s the truth of it: you will be missed, recession. We will miss your complex lessons about how the 21st-century economy works. (Giving huge mortgages to people with no money? Dumb, apparently.) We will miss how you forced Wall Street tycoons to stop lighting their cigars with crisp $100 bills and start lighting them with two nickels rubbed together furiously. And we will miss how you taught us about our world, about ourselves and about what cat food tastes like.

Above all, we will miss the way you prompted U.S. legislators to obsess over how far the Obama administration’s $800-billion stimulus plan would extend if it were laid out, stacked or otherwise measured in dollar bills. If the bills were stacked one on top of the other, it would create a pile of money 44,000 miles high! Laid end to end, it would stretch to the sun! Stretched one after another, it would circumnavigate Kirstie Alley! (The first two descriptions are real and remained hilariously entertaining even after they were both enacted as part of Obama’s job-creation efforts.)

Yes, you’ve had a good run, recession. You forced free-market enthusiasts to realize that when you leave everything up to the invisible hand, sometimes that hand is going to punch you in the face. You made wearing the same clothes every day seem frugal instead of gross, and countless math teachers thank you for that. You forced lousy car companies to restructure, bad banks to go broke and Lindsay Lohan’s latest movie to go straight to DVD. For that last one alone, we owe you.

But you did more. You improved us. Thanks to you, we have detached ourselves from the culture of conspicuous consumption. We have come to savour the simple things in life, such as family and friendship. We have learned the value of discipline and the cost of extravagance.

All of which leads us to say: good riddance, recession. And thank God all that’s over.


So long, recession. We’ll miss you.

  1. enjoyed +1 sir

  2. That was great! Very funny.

  3. what recession? duh….oh okay thats what it was? no way…someone or something else controls us!

  4. Hilarious. Scott Feshcuk never ceases to make me laugh.

  5. So how do we explain the massive public scolding and official persecution?

    As always, this is what happens when you create a monster and then allow it to run amok. The monster in this particular case is an amalgamation of the "tough on crime" hysteria (Heene committed a crime and should therefore be prosecuted to the full extent of the law) and the "ZOMG! My taxdollars!" psychosis (his stunt cost the taxpayers money). This will be the inevitable result as long these monsters continue to be fed.

  6. You know what they say about hindsight. It's difficult to take pity on him. If only he were involved, that would be one thing, but involving your kids? That's unacceptable.

    If anyone want's to read a funny spin on this story, try:

  7. Fortunately, the author does not dictate the law to either the State of Colorado or the United States of America, nor does his assessment of the pending charges as "judicial overkill" hold any water. He does not decide what Heene may or may not be guilty of. Law and order prevails only when it is uniformly applied. If authorities decide that felony charges are in order, then he should be prosecuted for those charges. It is a mistake to say that this episode was harmless. Filing a false report is like pulling a fire alarm when there is no fire. Heene recklessly endangered the lives of each and every emergency response person who answered that call that day. I don't know about Colorado, but if this had happened in my state and one of those respondents was injured or died en route, whether via traffic accident or any other cause, he would be held responsible. My point is that this was not just some harmless stunt that people are overreacting to. This was an act of extreme negligence and should be punished accordingly.

  8. This article gets it wrong from sentence one.

    Richard Heene is not an eccentric inventor. He's a lowbrow scam artist who is willing to use/abuse his family to achieve extremely poor calculated stardom.

  9. The story 'Never Cry Wolf' still applies today.

  10. Only in Canada would we make excuses for this idiot. The simple fact is, if real rescue efforts were required they would have been busy chasing this halfwits obession for the spotlight. Meanwhile someone could have died. It is the equivalent of a childish prank, but by a grown man who should know better.

  11. I could not agree more with the preceding comments about this article. This man deserves everything he gets (in terms of punishment). "Sean" had it right – what if a rescue worker trying to save balloon boy was injured or killed – would the Editors feel the same? Not to mention, the psychological damage this man is doing to his children (did you see the disturbing homophobic music video starring his kids, or the clips of his parenting skills on the previous reality show he was on?). This is no different than calling in a bomb threat or yelling fire just for attention. All that being said, he would make a great TV producer.