Upon my arrival at the gates of hell…


Red Devil: Ah, Mr. Potter, so good to see you at last.

Andrew Potter: Hey, whoa. Hell? What did I do to end up here?

RD: Let’s see [leafs through file]… no criminal record, honoured thy father and mother… not much coveting of neighbours wives… hmm. Very odd.

AP: There has to be a mistake.

RD: Posssibly… oh wait, here we go. No, no mistake. It seems you went to see Transformers 2.

AP: Yeah, sure. It sucked.

RD: Yes, but you apparently went on purpose. At a theatre where Up! was showing at the same time. And on a night when you had any number of better things to do with your time.

AP: Well, the first Transformers wasn’t too bad.

RD: Yes, and you saw it twice.

AP: Ok, but I was drunk the first time.

RD: I’m sorry, that’s no real excuse. You see, the problem isn’t that you saw this or that movie. It’s that you seem to like the films of Michael Bay.

AP: God no. He’s a joke.

RD: Yet you saw Pearl Harbour.

AP: On an airplane!

RD: And The Island…

AP: Yeah, that was a mistake.

RD: … and The Rock, and Armageddon, and both Bad Boys films. It seems, Mr. Potter, that you have seen every movie Michael Bay has made.

AP: …

RD: How many times have you seen The Godfather? Don’t answer, we already know that it is zero. Did you  know it’s masterpiece? Obviously not.  In fact you’ve seen more Michael Bay movies than you have films by Alfred Hitchcock, Martin Scorcese, Woody Allen — I could go on. But I won’t, since you’re due at the screening room in ten minutes.

AP: The screening room?

RD: Yes of course, we may be in Hell, but we’re not complete barbarians. You’ve been assigned to spend eternity in your own private theatre.

AP: Great! What’s showing?

RD: [Leading the way] Do I really need to tell you?

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Upon my arrival at the gates of hell…

  1. How does anyone became a major journalist in North America and not see "The Godfather"? I mean it's not as if you were working in a relatively esoteric field that suddently became so important that Macleans had to have you (like Islamic theology before 9/11). I mean a certain level of cultural knowledge is assumed for pundits. (And for what it's worth, I've seen 28 Hitchcock films, 24 Allen Films, 17 Scorsese films, and 3 Bay films.)

    • I guess you're better than me.

    • Wow, you keep count?

  2. What the hell is up with all the summer blockbusters sucking? I was totally jazzed to see Wolverine, Terminator, Transformers, and Star Trek. Saw Star Trek, thought it was OK, as per the reviews. Meanwhile, all the reviews (and I do mean all) have told me that the first three SUCK, so I haven't gone, and all my blockbusters have been taken away. What the hell, Hollywood?

    • No shit. Just keep repeating to yourself: 2012. 2012. 2012.

      • Yessiree. And thanks for taking one for the team on Transformers, btw. I will be using this post as evidence when it comes time to escape any invitation to see it.

    • I Know! WTF!!! A Summer with Wolverine, Star Trek and Terminator and 2/3rds of them are terrible!?!?! (I'd give Start Trek more than an OK, I though it was really good). How does Hollywood mess up a Wolverine movie, a Transformer movie and a Terminator movie all in the same Summer. Even worse, they're moving towards having 10 (10!!!) nominees for the Best Picture Oscar in the future. So, Michael Bay will no doubt be "Academy Award Nominee Michael Bay" before too long.

      Shape up Hollywood.

  3. Guess you're stuck with miles of aisles at jazz festivals, Jack.

    • But a whole summer without junky entertainment?!? What am I, some kind of paragon?

      • Well, at least you're not a cosmopolitan intellectual elitist. You still have political prospects.

  4. Surely God will be understanding if you tell Him that you went to the Transformers movies to see Megan Fox.

    • I'm not sure She's that into Megan Fox.