Is it time for Canada to annex Blue America?

Scott Gilmore: Every new southern Canadian would instantly have health insurance and affordable higher education. Plus schools that teach evolution.


 
President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, stand for the playing of national anthems during an arrival ceremony on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Thursday, March 10, 2016. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

U.S. President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, stand for the playing of national anthems during an arrival ceremony on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, Thursday, March 10, 2016. (AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

The United States is struggling. Increasingly bitter cultural and racial divides hobble the country. The political system is all but rigged with gerrymandering and unlimited special interest money. The health care system is broken, and even modest reforms risk repeal. A good education can mean a lifetime of debt. With no hope of any gun control on the horizon, there is now on average one mass shooting a day. Climate change is already wreaking havoc, but decision makers pretend it doesn’t exist. And, overseas, America’s international reputation has never been worse, even among traditional allies.

Canada has its problems too. Our falling birth rates and insufficient immigration numbers are putting significant limits on our potential long-term growth and prosperity. Our economy lags behind other OECD countries in terms of innovation and our entrepreneurs tend to be very risk-averse. We remain a resource economy. And then there is the weather. Our winters are simply hell.

Now, what if I told you we could solve all of these problems, both Yankee and Canuck, with one simple step? Interested? Well, it’s true. I propose that we formally offer certain American states the opportunity to join Confederation and become Canada’s next provinces.

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Over the last three or four decades, the cultural, social and political values of large swaths of American have become indistinguishable from those north of the 49th parallel. While other states have reverted to Dixie, other regions have become more liberal, more multicultural and more communal, in short more Canadian. It is a simple fact of the 21st century that a New Yorker, in the way she lives her life and sees the world, has more in common with a Montrealer than she would with someone from rural Arkansas. It is time we recognized this truth, and seized the opportunity to do something useful and historic with it.

For many states, the benefits of annexation are obvious and immediate. Canadian campaign finance restrictions would eliminate the power of big pharma, the NRA and the oil industry overnight. Congressmen-turned-parliamentarians will no longer have to raise millions in donations and would be able to focus on the welfare of those they represent. Gerrymandering would instantly disappear as American districts are transformed into ridings. No need for gun reform debates, as we settled that argument decades ago making it seven times less likely you will be shot in Canada.

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In regards to racial harmony, Canadians still have a long way to go. But there are no tiki torch marches. (Nonetheless, American Indians may want to consider this offer very carefully. Becoming a member of Canada’s Indigenous community will mean less money for educating your children and official neglect in general.)

Every new southern Canadian would instantly have full health insurance and two extra years would be added to their life expectancy. Higher education would be accessible to all, and more importantly, affordable. As an added bonus, our schools teach evolution and use metric. Wall Street would be delighted, as our corporate tax rates are better, and if you open a branch plant in Quebec, Ottawa will automatically shower you with subsidies, no questions asked.

As for Canada, we would get all of our comedians and actors back, and think of the cheap booze and cigarettes. No more worrying debates about immigration levels—we’d become the 12th biggest country in the world by population. Our economy would be the fourth largest by GDP. And, with a little intermarriage, the next generation of Canadians would be unfailing polite and innovative risk takers, double threats at hockey and baseball.

Therefore, I propose that the Prime Minister immediately extends an offer of annexation. Of course, this would not be available to everyone. Obviously Puerto Rico would make the cut. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve already asked. The western seaboard would be another perfect candidate for annexation. The cultural and economic ties that stretch from Vancouver to San Diego are already strong and the economies are well integrated. One important consideration, however, is whether or not to leave the Vestigial States of America (VSA) their own Pacific port. (The president, for example, will still want somewhere to ship in his Trump brand hats and ties from China.)

On the Atlantic coast, New England is already basically a client state of Canada’s, so they would get an invitation. Then the Acela corridor as far south as Baltimore would make sense. New York is already lousy with poutine and tens of thousands of Canadians work and live there right now. As for Washington, it is a very liberal city and Canadian in many ways, but it seems rude to annex the VSA’s capital. And it has a really muggy heat. On the other hand, they have good BBQ. And they could finally have a political representative of their own. We will need to think that one through.

Not only do I expect no opposition to this proposal from the Vestigial States, I suspect they will even welcome it with enthusiasm. Red America will finally be rid of those godless coastal elites and free to MAGA to their heart’s content. They will be able to put a gun in every hand, ban birth control, and start a new land war in Asia without any tiresome debates or late night monologues. And they can build their wall. In fact, New Canada (Canada 2.0?) and Mexico may even help if they promise to do it on all the VSA borders. We might even pay!

In conclusion, although I still need to work out some of the details, I assure you that Canada’s annexation of Blue America would be a win for everyone. We are a very friendly and welcoming people. We have lots of room for everyone. We do have some rules, no gunplay for example, and we spell it “neighbour”. Otherwise, make yourselves at home.

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Is it time for Canada to annex Blue America?

  1. LOL I love it!

    I have always believed that Canada should take over the US, clean it out and run ii properly.

    The ‘Confederacy’ can stay behind and sink into the mud

  2. I think this is a terrific idea! Can we extend this invitation to Hawaii too? Dreaming of buying my condo on the beach in Hawaii in Canadian dollars…

  3. So…. these blue states you speak of would become our far right? I speak to supposed Liberals in America all the time and you learn very very quickly that on the surface they may seem very Canadian like but dig a little deeper and their definitely to the right of our reformers of the 90s..

    Setting that aside they’d be in for one helluva shock learning that as Canadians they would be less free and have even less say in government… yeah that’s going to go over just peachy. Add to that we are a resource nation.. (arguably… one of only two that could claim to be a resource super power) and you’d have some of them beating themselves up over climate activism vs the needs/wants of what actually make this nation go round and round..

    Doesn’t matter though.. they’d never join Canada anyway.. They’d form their own little bloc long before they’d ever consider joining our nation and still have the long term goal of eventually swallowing us up anyway.

  4. Scott Gilmore’s idea is dumb. I have a better idea, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Yukon, and the Northwest Territories should succeed from Canada and negotiate their entry into the United States of America to become American states and territories. This way we get rid or O so liberal Canada once and for all!

    • As a Canadian from the O so Liberal part of Canada I would be all for that :) I would gladly trade you for Washington, Oregon and California.

    • Could not agree with you more. The idea of having sanctuary cities, large deficits, low expectation, & out of control immigration has no appeal to many in Western Canada. So I agree with Dante the Cat we Canadian westerners should split from Canakastan and look for greener pastors.

  5. This isn’t funny. I know, I’m an “uneducated” American as so many people would call us, but reading this as someone in Canada who would propose for states to leave the US is grotesque! I’m a Democrat who voted for Clinton, and I know we have our problems. But to propose such an absurd thing tells me wonders about how Canada thinks. I don’t care if it’s a joke, nor do I care if this was to be taken lightly. You all have a stable leader and government, and NAFTA is fine in my eyes, but this to me makes me feel uneasy about the Great White North…

    • As a Canadian I can’t think of a worse idea. I don’t want any part of the crumbling USA’s, territory, people, products, entertainment … nothing. The USA is a deteriorating social, economic, philanthropic quagmire of violence and racism. Boycott the USA!!

      • And you have every right to have that opinion. I’m aware of my country’s sins and shortcomings and there are more that I’m not aware of…I can only say is that I have faith in my country. I hope we can regain our sense of sanity again. So you be you and express what you want…it’s your right to say it

        • You are an exception to the arrogant, ugly american that has stuck their noses into all parts of the world and made our lives a mess.

    • Scott is married to the Liberal Minister of the Environment and Climate Change. In one sentence he’s saying “Climate change is wreaking havoc” and then in another sentence further down the article he complains about how our “winters are simply hell”. I thought Canadian winters were less harsh/hellish because of climate change? In any case — to be in the good books with his wife he obviously has to push a certain agenda.

      I’ve personally never used politics to determine whether I visit and spend $$$ in the US. I spent 38 days/nights in the US last year. I will be close to that this year. There are just too many wonderful experiences, sights and people in the US to not make the trips. I live near NY State and will be enjoying the Fall fun, food, fairs & foliage in the coming weeks. http://www.iloveny.com

      P.S. Don’t let any of the smug Canadian’s get under your skin. There is a certain pride that permeates the Canadian national conscience that says “we are better than EVERYBODY else — especially those AMERICANS”.

  6. This isn’t funny. I know, I’m an “uneducated” American as so many people would call us, but reading this as someone in Canada who would propose for states to leave the US is grotesque! I’m a Democrat who voted for Clinton, and I know we have our problems. But to propose such an absurd thing tells me wonders about how Canada thinks. I don’t care if it’s a joke, nor do I care if this was to be taken lightly. You all have a stable leader and government, and NAFTA is fine in my eyes, but this to me makes me feel uneasy about the Great White North…

  7. Americans could never learn to be as boring as Canadians.
    No one wants to live in Can’tada

  8. Scratch an American……any party…..and you find an imperialist.

  9. My apologies if my comments have offended Americans. I hope things turn out well for Americans and the United States.

  10. To the Liberal Canadians who think this would be a good thing, your wrong as even most of those states would have way less stringent conditions on pretty much everything (guns, environment, etc.).

    To any Canadian who thinks this is a good idea, your wrong we would essentially lose control of our country as California has a higher population then all of Canada, and the majority of the states that this article calls for crossing the border would just wipe our voice away.

    To the Americans, sorry this article even exists, its pretty simple minded.

  11. Yeah, they could help us save the polar bears in Toronto.

  12. If someone asks you what an ugly, arrogant, know-nothing Canadian sounds like, show them this column.

  13. Not a bad idea for Canada annexing the USA, the states close to the Canada border

  14. I can never sort these things out – am I a blue? or a spring? an autumn? a summer? Red? Pink?

    God bless Canada, though!

    • Just choose a damn cable bundle man!

      Otherwise it’s ANARCHY!

  15. But Scott… what about those swing states? Ohio, Florida, (Michigan)? Do we bring’em in and then kick’em out next election cycle?

  16. Oh, yes yes yes! Please!