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How to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, 2016 edition

Our annual Newsmakers tradition is back: Scott Feschuk finds 2016’s notables figures’ exclusive peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipes


 

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Our annual Newsmakers issue highlights the year’s highlights, lowlights, major moments and most important people. Read our Newsmakers 2016 stories here, and read on to see which people, events and moments Maclean’s named as the best and worst of 2016 in science and technology.

With 2016 (mercifully) nearing its end, let’s take a look at how some of the year’s top newsmakers from the U.S. election season would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Donald Trump (I)

1. Launch PB&J U, an online university dedicated to helping people achieve their dream of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Charge $35,000 tuition for a Gold Elite program in mentored sandwich-making.

3. Deny responsibility as students make a PB&J using corned beef, Nutella and coconut.

Hillary Clinton

1. Have Jay Z perform as she opens the bread.

2. Have Beyoncé perform as she spreads the peanut butter.

3. Have Bon Jovi perform as she scoops out the jelly.

4. Have Bruce Springsteen perform as she cuts the sandwich.

5. Have her lunch eaten by working-class, white Americans.

Chris Christie

1. Place peanut butter, jelly and bread on the counter.

2. Get hand stuck in jelly jar.

3. Get head stuck in peanut butter jar.

4. Step on a rake 38 times in a row.

5. Fall down six flights of stairs, landing on a trampoline that launches him into a cactus.

6. Place free hand into the bag of bread but then discover, nope, that’s actually a bag of bees.

7. Fall down a well that’s inside another well he’d already fallen down.

8. Realize that all this ranks a distant second to the humiliation that Mr. Trump has in store for him today and every day.

Melania Trump

1. Order manservant to fashion her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

2. Look at it disdainfully.

3. Eat Michelle Obama’s sandwich.

Steve Bannon (Trump strategist)

1. Take out two pieces of bread (white only).

2. To make the bread more palatable to the masses, refer to it as “alt-white.”

3. Launch a national registry of suspicious pitas.

4. Build a wall to protect lunch from the scourge of tortillas.

Donald Trump (II)

January: “Many people are saying I make the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And it’s true, by the way. The best.”

March: “I’m telling you, folks: We are going to Make Lunch Great Again.”

June: “People in the inner cities: Your lunches are horrible. You get doughy pizza slices. You get lukewarm buffets. What do you have to lose?”

November: “All your sandwich dreams are about to come true!”

December: “Uh, remind me: What’s in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

Bernie Sanders

1. Rally Millennials to the societal affront posed by sandwich inequality: “The one per cent hope we don’t notice the slices of bread near the end of the loaf are smaller than the ones in the middle.”

2. Spend 40 minutes railing against historic sandwich injustice: “So, sometimes you get a pickle and sometimes you don’t get a pickle? And we’re supposed to just accept that?”

3. Call for radical reform to put the peanut butter and jelly on the outside of the sandwich: “Why does it need to be on the inside? WHAT IS BIG JELLY HIDING FROM US?”

Mike Pence

1. Insist that a sandwich is the sacred union of one slice of bread with peanut butter on it, and one slice of bread with jelly on it.

2. Refuse to support the coming together of any two bread slices made entirely with peanut butter or with jelly.

3. Fund conversion camps to convince peanut butter than it’s actually jelly.

4. Get booed by the upper crust.

Susan Sarandon

1. Feel a craving for a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

2. Refuse to accept a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

3. Get served a *@!# sandwich every day for the next four years.

Donald Trump (III)

1. Make and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on national television.

2. Deny having made or eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

3. Deny having ever owned or even seen a jar of peanut butter.

4. Deny the physical existence of jelly, claiming it to be a Chinese hoax.

5. Deny a physiological need to consume caloric energy.

6. Deny the existence of an objective reality in which hunger is a motivating impulse.

7. Tweet a fake news story claiming Hillary Clinton invented carbs.


 

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