10 likely questions at Donald Trump’s press conference

It’s been two months since Donald Trump won the U.S. election, and some things have changed for the president-elect—perhaps most notably a report that claims intelligence agencies believe Russians may have compromising information about the future POTUS, a report that came one day before his first press conference since July.

Here are some of the totally serious questions you might expect at the highly anticipated press conference:

1. Are you serious?

2. Why are you shouting?

3. Can you please stop saying China like that?

4. Just to get it out of the way, are there any countries or ethnic groups that you’d like to mispronounce, misidentify or gravely insult?

5. Sorry, I’m a bit lost: How did my question about Russia lead into an anecdote about Rosie O’Donnell eating ribs?

6. Is that… Are you playing Angry Birds right now?

7. Could you respond to this specific question about foreign policy with several vague sentences about an unrelated topic?

8. Have you ever stayed in the presidential suite of the Moscow Ritz-Carlton? * ducks *

9.  Is there any chance this is all some interminable collective nightmare and we will soon wake up to discover that we haven’t entrusted the most powerful elected office on Earth to a thin-skinned ignoramus?

10. I’m confused: So if Hillary killed JFK, does that mean Ted Cruz’s dad faked the moon landing?