9

Donald Trump writes the best concession speech ever

Scott Feschuk on the day when Donald Trump calls for a coup—and a campaign do-over


 

MAC43_FESCHUKMERGE_POST

In a fractious campaign, there’s one thing all Americans can agree on: Donald Trump’s concession speech is going to be a doozy.

So I just phoned Crooked Hillary to congratulate her on stealing the election. “Good for you,” I said. “Nice going. You are the worst.”

Actually, I didn’t want to hear her stupid voice so I just texted her. Sent her the one that’s a picture of a poop. She got the message, right? She got it.

It was rigged, people. Many, many people are saying it, and they’re right to say it, because the thing was totally fixed. Rigged. Massive voter fraud. Illegal immigrants voting. Probably twice, three times. Non-citizens voting, too. Three little Mexican kids stacked inside a trench coat, the whole deal.

Did I run the best campaign? I ran the best campaign. The best. No one had ever seen a campaign like mine before. Huge crowds. Babies, signs, cheering, hats. And now I don’t get to be president just because Hillary got more votes? I don’t think so.

Related: Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton? A quiz for undecided voters

America is built on respect for the will of the people. Big league. But only to a point. Because Trump is not a loser, okay? I don’t lose. My middle name is Not Losing, Doesn’t Lose, Not Ever Going to Lose Thank You Very Much. My middle name is also Wins.

Did you see the ballots when you voted today? My name was the exact same size as Hillary’s! Ridiculous. I specifically requested all caps, 48-point text with a light dusting of gold flakes. Tasteful! But no, I get plain letters, same size as her name. All part of the conspiracy, folks.

And did you catch some of the results? So rigged! In one community, heavily African American, supposedly like three people voted for Trump. Which is impossible because I’m very popular with the blacks. Every time one of the blacks asked me a question, I talked to the blacks for seven minutes about the inner cities crumbling and how their lives are horrible and how they—the blacks—are probably going to get shot walking down the street tomorrow. And they didn’t vote for me? Give me one reason why!

The media—totally in on it. Disgusting. Folks, I don’t know what our country is coming to when commentators can just give their opinion of me based on my behaviour, demeanour, words, gestures, policies, beliefs and actions. Biased!

Then the ladies—sad! I was unfairly attacked for sexually inappropriate behaviour by multiple women—some of them no better than a seven, many of them fives or worse. And people believed them! Look: These things happened, if they happened, which they didn’t, but if they did, they happened in the past. I can’t control the past!

Related: Town-hall debate prep with Donald Trump

So the election was rigged and we’re not going to stand for it, okay? I want you to do something for Trump.

First, we recount the ballots. All of them. Throw out any that smell like tacos or burritos or enchiladas, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean. Illegals.

Second, I am calling on all loyal Americans to take up arms and occupy government buildings in your cities and towns. The post office. The other federal buildings that are there—I don’t know, do we run the Water Works like in Monopoly? Whatever. Get in there with your guns and say, “No mail until Trump is president.” Let’s see how long people can live without their L.L. Bean catalogues. Sorry, Rover, no dog bed for you this Christmas. Hillary’s fault.

Two months, tops, until I’m in the White House, okay? Maybe one. It’ll be easy to overthrow President Crooked. I’m the best at overthrowing things.

Now, some people say, “You can’t rig an election. Elections are run by the states or whatever. And most swing states are actually controlled by Republicans.” To which I say, “Nice point, very interesting, but I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT!”

And I should be—and I am—because the election was rigged. It had to have been. But because I am a gentleman and a peacemaker I am willing to call off the Trump coup if Congress immediately passes a constitutional amendment making presidential elections a best two out of three.

I’ve got no plans and an itchy Twitter finger, so let’s go again. Join me in my new campaign and together we can Again Make America Great Again.


 

Donald Trump writes the best concession speech ever

  1. Feschuk’s ability to mimic Trump’s speaking style is uncanny, and hilarious. Very funny column!

    • Truly uncanny, that’s exactly the word that came to mind. Best ever, Mr. Feschuk!

  2. Allow me to offer a word of caution to Scott Feschuk’s giddy, but somewhat premature, celebration of Hillary Clinton’s landslide Presidential victory: BREXIT.

  3. Bang on. His ego is so big he doesn’t realize how out of touch he is with reality.

    • BMAC55:
      I challenge you to name one candidate who ever ran for President of America who did not have a big ego. Milquetoasts usually don’t run for President. Trump is in perfect touch with reality. His goal is to change that reality which is headed in the wrong direction for many (most?) Americans.

  4. Aachhh!!! SO funny! Laughing out loud – ‘three Mexican kids in a trench coat…’ : ) Captured trump’s voice perfectly. Well done, Feschuk. Love your column – always funny but this one… extra special. Many, many people will like it.

  5. In the voice of a 5 year bully, whose brother is praised because he built the best sandcastle.

  6. Scott, You are first on the line of senior writers and that requires responsibility.
    I enjoyed your writing in the past, because You are funny.
    But your discriminative writing about Trump reminded me about my colleague, who was telling same joke on and on….
    That was uncomfortable to tell him, he told this joke already a couple times and that is boring.
    You are boring! You wasted your talent for month and month.
    I guess, now there was a sole searching meeting at your magazin after this election. What is next now?
    Some of your colleagues still in state of denial after the shock..
    How about write about Canadian issues from now on?
    Balanced and professional articles about the lives of people up north?
    Or why we have homeless people in downtown in the rich country like ours?
    How we balance the respect for canadian values with religious believes?
    Do You believe in canadian values?
    How about our PM-s high interest about gender segregated mosques?
    What is the fiscal responsibility of this government for the next recession?
    Life is same interesting in Canada, You should write about canadian issues for canadians in you canadian magazin…

Sign in to comment.