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Donald Trump’s speech on faith, translated for the rest of us

‘You fought hard for me, and now I’m fighting hard for all of you.’ Translation: As devoutly religious Americans, you sacrificed everything you hold dear in your heart to elect me!


 
WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 08:  U.S. President Donald Trump speaks during the Faith & Freedom Coalition's Road to Majority Conference June 8, 2017 in Washington, DC. Former FBI Director James Comey testified at a highly anticipated hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee at the same time on Capitol Hill regarding his firing by President Trump.  (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 08: U.S. President Donald Trump speaks during the Faith & Freedom Coalition’s Road to Majority Conference June 8, 2017 in Washington, DC. Former FBI Director James Comey testified at a highly anticipated hearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee at the same time on Capitol Hill regarding his firing by President Trump. (Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Let’s read between the lines of Donald Trump’s recent speech to a conference held by the Faith and Freedom Coalition. The president’s words are in bold. Scott Feschuk’s annotations follow.

It’s wonderful to be back here with all of my friends. It is the fifth time. Who would have known this was going to happen? But we had a feeling, didn’t we?

This is a common construction that pops up frequently in Trump’s speeches:

  1. No one possibly could have predicted this.
  2. It was literally impossible to predict.
  3. We predicted this, didn’t we?

In just a few years, you’ve helped turn a small organization into a really nationwide, beautiful movement. Really, so true.

This is another classic Trump construction, and it may be my favourite: when he agrees with a point that he himself has just made. “I am very smart and quite handsome. So, so true. Totally nailed it about me.”

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We will always support our Evangelical community, and defend your right—and the right of all Americans—to follow and to live by the teachings of their faith.

Rushed announcer voice reading the fine print at the end of a radio commercial: “Guarantee not applicable to all or any Muslims. Please consult a religious professional if you experience more than four hours of not being Christian.”

And as you know, we’re under siege [as Christians]. You understand that.

The Republican party controls the House of Representatives. It controls the Senate. It controls the White House. WHEN WILL THE PERSECUTION END?

Last year, you knocked on more than 1.2 million doors in the key battleground states. You sent 22 million pieces of mail, shared 16 million videos, and made 10 million phone calls.

“In September alone, you cruelly badgered a record 1.6 million gays about their deviant lifestyle. A NEW RECORD!”

We are going to battle for every American. The forgotten men and women will never, ever be forgotten again.

“They will become the remembered men and women. People will say, ‘Remember those forgotten people?’ And we’ll say, ‘You mean the remembered people?’ And they’ll say, ‘I… I… I think so?’ Anyway, it’ll be a great conversation.”

We recite today the words of Isaiah Chapter 1, Verse 17: “Learn to do right. Seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless. Plead the case of the widow.”

“Interesting factoid: Our health care bill is specifically tailored to help widows—mostly by ensuring they die much more quickly, and are therefore able to join their departed loved one in the afterlife. Another improvement on the disaster Obamacare, which prolonged the agony of widows by doing horrible things like keeping them alive.”

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The entrenched interests and failed, bitter voices in Washington will do everything in their power to try and stop us from this righteous cause. They will lie. They will obstruct. They will spread their hatred.

AKA the Trump hat trick.

But we will not back down from doing what is right. Because as the Bible tells us, we know that the truth will prevail, that God’s glorious wisdom will shine through, and that the good and decent people of this country will get the change they voted for and that they so richly deserve.

Yep. Like Trump says, that last part about American elections is totally in the Bible. There’s actually a whole section in there that predicts with uncanny accuracy the presidential campaign of 2016. I believe it’s called Revelations.

You fought hard for me, and now I’m fighting hard for all of you.

“As devoutly religious Americans, you sacrificed your morals, your values—everything you hold dear in your heart—and worked to elect a profane, thrice-married megalomaniac who brags about sexually assaulting women and boasts about ogling naked teenage beauty pageant contestants. As the Bible tells us: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

We are keeping the solemn promises that we made to the great citizens of our country. We are eliminating job-killing regulations, reversing government overreach, and returning power back to everyday Americans.

“You! The husky fellow in the third row! You’re Secretary of Agriculture now! AND YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB.”

In my first 100 days—I don’t think anybody has ever done more or, certainly, not much more.

“It takes most administrations a year or even two to have a signature policy repeatedly struck down by the courts. We got it done pronto.”

What we won’t do is let other countries take advantage of the United States anymore and dictate what we are doing and dictate our future.

“That’s Russia’s job.”

No, but seriously, you may think to yourself: “When has this ever happened? When has America ever allowed anyone to dictate its future?” But Trump actually has a point here. In the spring of 1982, yours truly dispatched a passionate, strongly worded letter—a letter from CANADA—that ultimately contributed to CHiPs getting renewed for a sixth season. AND AMERICAN HISTORY WAS FOREVER CHANGED.

From now on, we will follow a very simple rule: Every day I am president we are going to make America first—not somebody else, not some other country. We are going to make America first.

“Heck, I don’t even think about another country until well after lunch. I stopped having French toast for breakfast, just in case. Sacrifices, am I right? I mean, I still have the French toast because it’s delicious, but I call it Freedom squares. ‘Pour some more Liberty juice—that’s the syrup—on my Freedom squares, I say.’”

As long as I’m president, no one is going to stop you from practicing your faith or from preaching what is in your heart.

“So you’re good for the next eight to 12 months.”

Faith inspires us to be better, to be stronger, to be more caring and giving, and more determined to act in selfless and courageous defence of what is good and what is right.

“Or so I’m told. Sounds kinda wussy to me.”

I remember when Republicans and Democrats would fight like hell, then they’d go out, have lunch together, have dinner together, go back, fight like hell, and get a lot of things done. Now the lunches and dinners don’t take place. The level of hatred is beyond anything that I’ve ever seen.

“I often wonder how we as a country sunk to this level as I reflect on a campaign in which I mocked the disabled, described my rivals as losers, urged my supporters to physically assault protestors, called Mexicans a bunch of ‘rapists,’ referred to our democratic process as ‘rigged,’ declined to immediately disavow an endorsement from the KKK, belittled John McCain for being a prisoner of war, sought out the support of the vile conspiracy nuts who claim the Sandy Hook massacre never happened, and proudly claimed for an extended period that President Obama is a foreign-born Muslim. Welp, I guess we’ll never know.”

Last month, I travelled to Saudi Arabia to speak to the leaders of more than 50 Muslim and Arab countries … There has never been any summit like it.

“My summits are the best summits. The most summitty. Although ever since I touched that orb I can taste colours. That’s normal, right? [Pupils dilate.] I COMMAND ALL HUMANS TO TOUCH ORB. [Pupils return to normal.] Mmmmm, purple.”

Every child of God, no matter where they live, what language they speak, or what book they live by, deserves to be able to grow up in harmony, dignity, and peace.

“I respect my youngest son’s peace so much that for five months I golfed every single weekend rather than fly home to spend time with him.”

Our religious liberty is enshrined in the very First Amendment in the Bill of Rights. The American founders invoked our Creator four times in the Declaration of Independence. Don’t worry, we’re not going to let them change it.

“As God is my witness, Chuck Schumer told me the Democrats want to set the Declaration of Independence on fire and replace it with the lyrics from a Def Leppard song. And not even one of the good ones that ladies strip to!”

In America, we don’t worship government. We worship God. Inscribed on our currency are the words: “In God We Trust.” And we proudly proclaim that we are “One Nation Under God,” every time we say the Pledge of Allegiance.

Also, each and every morning, tens of millions of Americans remember that I’m their president and they say to themselves, “Oh my dear God.”


 

Donald Trump’s speech on faith, translated for the rest of us

  1. Feschuk-If Trump developed a cure for cancer, you’d joke about how he’s stolen work from The Grim Reaper.

    • Trump couldn’t assemble enough brain cells to develop a cure for long fingernails.

    • A hypothetical wherein Donald Trump cures cancer is somewhat far fetched to be a useful point of criticism.

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