Chuck Norris jokes rewritten with Mark Carney’s name

Mark Carney counted to infinity—twice


Canada’s central bank late Tuesday denied a report that its governor, Mark Carney, had been approached to become head of the Bank of England. — Wall Street Journal 

Mark Carney’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Mark Carney counted to infinity – twice.

Mark Carney does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Mark Carney goes killing.

If you can see Mark Carney, he can see you. If you can’t see Mark Carney you may be only seconds away from death.

Mark Carney sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mark Carney roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mark Carney.

Mark Carney built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Mark Carney met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Mark Carney has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Mark Carney toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take sh*t from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Mark Carney’s shoe. Mark Carney replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Mark Carney!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Mark Carney.

(Source for Chuck Norris jokes: The Chuck Norris Facts)


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Chuck Norris jokes rewritten with Mark Carney’s name

  1. Mark Carney threw a grenade and killed six men. Then the grenade exploded.

  2. One has to wonder if the buzz surrounding Carney is largely based on fiction given he didn’t come into the picture until 2008, after the global crisis began. Canada is credited for having a strong banking system, in that we didn’t face a full-fledged financial market meltdown like some other countries. But that was due to decisions made before Carney became governor. 

    Another fact is that Harper began importing flaky banking deregulation schemes from the US in 2006, starting with 40-year no-money-down mortgages. To prevent a housing meltdown in 2008, he authorized a secretive $75B bailout (added to the debt) and a $200B low interest line of credit to banks. The CHMC (federal mortgage insurance agency) was also ordered to purchase $125B worth of junk mortgages. (For all the hard work bankers did in receiving the federal money, they rewarded themselves with $8B in bonuses.)
    The Economist said in 2010, “Much of the country’s resilience stems from policies—such as bank regulation and sound public finances—which predate Mr Harper.” They obviously predate Carney as well.

    Global Research: Canada’s 75 Billion Dollar Bank Bailout

    Banking, smoke and mirrors
    Hidden bank bailout and $8 billion bank executive bonuses

    Globe and Mail: Special investigation: How high-risk mortgages crept north

    • Everything that is good in Canada was created by Liberals.  Anything that is bad in Canada was created by Conservatives.  Liberals are goood, and Conservatives are bad.

      • Funny that’s not quite what SH seems to think.

      • Liberals: knowledge-based policy is good. Conservatives: facts are bad.

        • Liberals are just plain awesome.  They’re even better than Chuck Norris.  It’s just that certain Canadians don’t vote for them because they don’t comprehend how truly awesome Liberals are.  Maybe the Liberals should get Chuck Norris to campaign for them.  Or run for leader.  Then, perhaps these benighted fools who refuse to vote Liberal would see the light and the error of their ways.

          • Facts are facts. The blue Liberals and red Tories abandoned the Liberal party in the last election not because they liked anything Harper had to offer, they were afraid of a NDP-led coalition. 

            But during the Chretien-Martin era we had a decade-long manufacturing boom that turned to a bust under Tar-sands Harper (aka Mr. Resource Extraction.) They created 300,000 full-time jobs and a $20B trade surplus. Now the jobs are gone, we have record $50B trade deficits and the manufacturing sector is a rust belt. 

            The Liberals were certainly foolish to allow Harper to take credit for work they accomplished on the economy. Harper tried to claim he turned Canada into an “economic star.” But The Economist article he quoted said, “Much of the country’s resilience stems from policies—such as bank regulation and sound public finances—which predate Mr Harper.”

            BTW, I am not a partisan Liberal. They are just a better bet for stopping Harper from completely destroying the economy.

          • Yes, the only possible conclusion that one can reasonably arrive at, when considering all the facts in an utterly objective and non-partisan manner, is that Liberals are totally awesome.  Oh yes, and that Harper is Evil and is destroying Canada as we know it.

          • Thank you for posts Ron. I try to make this argument all the time but you articulated it very well and posted sources.

  3. Mark Carney has a bearskin rug. The bear’s not dead, it’s just too scared to move.

    Mark Carney doesn’t flush the toilet. He just scares the s**t out of it.

  4. Funny. But surely we can get some economics related equivalents going.

    1. The penny is being removed from circulation because it’s scared of Mark Carney

    2. Goldman Sachs wanted to rename itself Mark Carney’s but Mark was too humble to allow it.

    3. The German Mark is being reinstated just for the name association with Mark Carney.

    4.  Mark Carney started his D.Phil economics thesis at Oxford the night before it was due.

    I don’t know, others must be able to do better…

    • 5. The only time Chuck Norris ever asked for help was when he asked Marc Carney to manage his investment portfolio.

  5. Mark Carney can fix what ails the LPC…oops, that isn’t really funny, is it? :)

  6. Q – How many Mark Carney’s does it take to change a light bulb?
    A – One.  He just holds the light bulb and the world just revolves around him.

  7. Superman wears Mark Carney pajamas.
    (So does Chuck Norris)

  8.  I wonder if Mr, Carney is reading this thread.  What is his reaction?

    • If he’s not a Liberal, he wishes that he were a Liberal.  Because then he would be even more awesome than he already is.

      • No, I don’t care about the Liberal rumour, it doesn’t mean anything, and is unintentionally sillier than the jokes.  I’ve reflexively voted Liberal for two decades now, and I won’t again until they get their house in order.  Clearly their issues are bigger than needing a charismatic leader, and it would be a disappointment if Mr. Carney got suckered into that role. 

        What I was wondering if he had a private smile at the jokes.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a central banker getting this sort of treatment before.

        Mark Carney doesn’t call the wrong number, you answered the wrong phone.

    • I ran into Carney at an elevator yesterday. “Someone flipped me your blog post,” he said. I couldn’t figure out what my response should be. Then he roundhouse-kicked me into the next time zone. Most of this is true.

      • To be a fly on the wall for that elevator ride…

        I hear they once named a street named after Mark Carney.  They had to change it, since no one crosses Mark Carney and lives.

  9. Mark Carney was once bitten by a deadly poisonous snake.  After three days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

  10. Mark Carney keeps saying that Canadian household debt is becoming casure for concern, but he won’t raise the interest rate – he’s going to kick the shit out the the debt instead. 

    Now back to reality. I never thought I’d see a banker worshipped in a Canadian magazine.  Maybe you folks who think he’s so great should take a step back and familiarize yourself with the Bank of Canada as it existed until 1974, when Trudeau bowed to international pressure and granted the role of funding government to a private central bank with the authority to charge interest to a governement that, up to that point, had reserved that role for itself, making interest unnecessary and national debt a non-issue.

  11. Mark Carney recently attended the televised Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The network was promptly fined by the FFC. They should have known that women can’t keep their panties on in the presence of Mark Carney.

  12. A truly in-imaginative and borring article. Next week: Carney jokes featuring yo-mama punch lines. Paul Wells you hack.

    • What an imaginative spelling of unimaginative!

      • The first sign of trouble was that he didn’t know how to spell alligator.

  13. Mark Carney’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Mark Carney.

  14. If you want a list of Mark Carney’s enemies, just check the extinct species list.

    Mark Carney does not use
    spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the
    actual spelling of it.