‘It is a mythical tree spirit, the true, fragile nature of which only Stephen Harper understands’

Tabatha Southey listens to the Prime Minister, imagines a world in which democracy is an actual threat to the welfare of the nation.

During Canadian federal elections, neighbourhoods are canvassed by hoards of zombies. These zombies do not just put fliers through your mail slot – they zombie-knock at your door while you’re trying to make dinner. They often ask you if you have any issues that are of particular concern to you. And after inquiring about whether you’re properly registered to vote, they ask you if you need a ride to the polling station, and then they eat your brains. It’s intrusive.

Meanwhile, investors are surprisingly unpanicky about the possibility of an election.