This Harper fellow is quite something, eh?

Oh, the things Stephen Harper’s powerful backroom masters make him say

Photo illustration by Lauren Cattermole

Photo illustration by Lauren Cattermole

It’s a bit early to declare a winner for the Most Inadvertently Hilarious Moment of the Summer in Canadian Politics, but I’m making the call anyway: Come fetch your prize, Stephen Harper!

The Prime Minister set the bar impossibly high when he took time out from his new hobby—distancing himself from Mike Duffy—to appear before party faithful in Calgary. During his speech, the PM prefaced an attack on Justin Trudeau by saying: “My people tell me I have to do this. We’re getting close enough to the next [election].”

Did you catch that? My people tell me I have to do this.

Voters of Canada, I ask you: Who among us has not grown weary of our notoriously weak-willed PM being manipulated by his backroom masters into saying mean things about his rivals? If only Harper had the gumption to exert some control over his government! Alas, the poor man is but a puppet of the 37 different communications directors he’s summarily fired.

Interestingly, despite this whole “going negative” thing being forced upon him in place of his unfailingly sunny disposition, Harper somehow managed to get into it. The attack reached its zenith when the PM painted a picture of what life would be like under a Trudeau government. It made The Purge seem like a romantic comedy. Economic collapse! Criminals running rampant across the land! Mandatory weed smoking by babies!

To be fair, much of the rest of Harper’s speech offered praise for those he deemed deserving. Here is an alphabetical list of those so deemed: Harper, Stephen.

It would appear the PM’s opinion of himself is higher than ever. Let’s take a moment and examine some of his claims in ascending order of egomaniacal delusion:

“All your contributions in time, money and prayers—all the sacrifices you’ve made to put and keep a Conservative government in Ottawa—have been worth it.” Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to appear to compliment you by, in fact, complimenting myself—what fine taste you have in legendary prime ministers!

“Never in Canada’s history have the goals of hard-working families been so central to the agenda of the federal government.” That’s right: Never. Not even once. Why, until Stephen Harper came along, foolhardy federal governments had for 140 years habitually tailored their policies to help only deadbeats, parrots and ghosts.

“Our economy is rock-solid . . . it is the model for the world’s most advanced nations.” This has become a theme of Harper’s oratory. It’s not enough for Canada to be doing okay. Others must be made to marvel at and learn from our brilliance. Do you have a pen, other nations? You’re going to want to write this down. Lately, the PM has been coming across like the Alec Baldwin character in the Glengarry Glen Ross movie: You have the nerve to call yourselves post-industrial economies? Put that coffee down, other nations. Coffee is for fiscally stable democracies!

“From what I see as [I] look around the world, Canada has no choice but to be strong.” BURN! Our man Steve totally burned you, global community! You are all so weak and useless that we literally have no choice but to be extra awesome. Would Canada like to kick back, relax a little and maybe be just half-decent for a few decades? You’re damn right we would. But there’s no time, what with your bumbling incompetence and general, all-round dickwhackery. Countries of Earth: Can one of you please be strong for, like, five minutes, so Steve can take a break?

“The best country and the best government in the world is right here, Canada.” The “best country” line is boilerplate stuff. But the best government? In the world?? That’s high self-praise, indeed. Clearly, our PM believes that late at night, far across the ocean, Angela Merkel is tossing and turning in bed, thinking: “If only I had someone of the calibre of Pierre Poilievre to manage my democratic reform agenda—then my administration would really be cooking!”

So to sum up the world according to Stephen Harper: former federal governments here at home? Hopeless. All other governments on the planet? Inferior. Every other advanced economy? Feeble.

Then again, maybe that’s just what the PM’s “people” are forcing him to say.

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This Harper fellow is quite something, eh?

  1. Now that harper has fed 30% of his base with red meat, their doesn’t seem to be any meat left on the bones for the other 70% of the electorate, and the more Harper tries to push his weight around with Ms. McLaughlin SCJ, some of his base(PC base, real PCs) may just take a vacation from voting in the next election.

    • Sad part, having been of voting age for 39 years I have one conclusion for it.

      [ x ] I need better choices on my ballot as none of these parties represent the people who make Canada work.

      Also probably why so many do not vote, why vote for someone taking more of your money for waste while doing less and less for it.

  2. It’s not just because she lacks a Pierre Poilievre that Angela Merkel tosses and turns at night … she is also missing a Tony Clement, a Peter van Loan and a Paul Calandra ….to name a few. She’s got a ways to go before she can even get close to the awesomeness that is the Harper Government. That, and she’d have to lock herself in a bathroom at the next G8 or G20.

  3. Oh Scott. You should be the editor of Frank magazine; what with your drool humour and lack of facts in your articles. One month you decry Harper for operating as a Dictator over his party, and the country. Now you accuse him of being controlled by unknown advisers. Which is it? Guess you don’t recognize sarcasm when the PM uses it.

    • “Now you accuse him of being controlled by unknown advisers. ”

      Oh dear.
      I’m guessing you’re better at drinking tequila shooters at Senor Frog’s than reading.

    • Haper’s a chameleon – evasive, lets his flag flap whichever way the corporate wind blows, and I somehow doubt that his quip “My people tell me . . .” is a reference to anything but his corporate nest-featherers. Nonetheless, a very funny piece – that unfortunately (for him) nails Harper for exactly what he is – at the moment . . .

  4. Best picture I’ve ever seen of Harp. Captures his real self.

    • Yah, Harper has that Tie Domi ‘ goon ‘ look, the photo would look better, if we could see the back of his head.

      • … that photo would be even more “realistic” if we could see who/or the entites thereof, are, that are pulling those “strings”. ?
        For that, I would honestly give a years salary to see !

      • I was thinking more….Egor…or zombies. LOL

  5. Its more than this.

    Harper on US policy, a puppet.
    Harper on “Trusts” double taxing, a bold faced liar.
    Harper on defective F35s, lets keep the waste.
    Harper on rusty subs, lets waste some more, fake lakes too.
    Harper on pensioners, you get 0.9% will we raise CPP more and provide less.
    Ditto the last item for disabled and vets.
    Harper on devalued money, lets shut up and hope commoners don’t know real inflation is 4 times StatsCan lies.
    Harper on Conservatism?? What conservatism has he practiced?
    Harper on womans rights of choice in abortion, anti-choice, women are government cattle.
    Harper on Immigration, pretend to fix it while making it worse for abuse of taxpayers.
    Harper on a unified country, declares FN and Quebec nations.
    Harper on bailouts of uncommon good, auto, banks, unions, other peoples money for no value.
    Harper on poverty, rather pork up Oxfam to keep others out of poverty while doing nothing for CANADIAN disabled IN poverty.

    Nothing moral or conservative. He keeps his head low as to hope we don’t notice. But this 39 years of being a Conservative supporter no more. I will never vote Conservative again, like Mulroney, they be crooked Harper is a huge disappointment for real small c cosnervatives. Just illusionists seeking our money for uncommon good and lobby/bribery.

    • mmm, not bad Dave.
      I couldn’t have said it better myself.
      Well actually, I could have, BUT i would’ve been “banned” from here.

      • So would have I, I tried to tone it down.

        Reality is none of the the parties on the statism ballot represent the people who make Canada work. Its like a cancer or parasite in you wallet. All they do is argue how to waste our money and slap the unborn with debt. So busy supporting our govmint kids, we have less than 1.5 kids domestically, when 2.05 or so is zero growth.

        Thans, but enough people have to wake up in Canada and realize, government can’t solve the economic problems as it it the problem.

  6. FINALLY, finally,
    a picture, of our “real” Harper, in all his glory.

  7. …when everything is ALL said and done, this man, along with his PMO, should be criminally charged on all (ill)legal “accountabilities”, be they whatever is truthfully found.
    He may have moved the Kingston Pen out west for that very reason -who knows?
    This alone, should be the very reason that we change the PMO, and it’s accountabily.
    Let’s “RaiseThe Bars” on them, if they want to steal money from canadians taxpayers, then they suffer the same fate as one of us would. -Federal time !
    …and that way, that would make them all, (and all in the future too), behave properly/morally/…, and ONLY for Canadians’ interests and needs’,…

    That’s the only way to deal with it.
    And yes, there may be NO interest to be PM of Canada after this, but atleast we will root out the potentially prospective bad ones. ?

  8. The only thing missing out of this pic, is Pinnochio’s 9-foot long lying wooden nose.
    ok, nuff said.

  9. Jesus, Feschuk. You used to be funny. I used to be able to read your Harper satire and laugh…because it was good. This is just angry drivel.

    What went wrong?