You think Stephen Harper likes this whole power thing?

Everything the Prime Minister does, he does for you. Especially winning elections.

Photo Illustration by Sarah MacKinnon

Photo Illustration by Sarah MacKinnon

The Conservative party has launched a new fundraising campaign as part of a strategy to win next year’s federal election. Let’s read between the lines of the online appeal from its executive director, Dimitri Soudas. His words are in bold.

We need to win another majority government.

Whoa! Easy, tiger. Where’s the romance, the sweet talk? As strategies go, this is a bit like getting all dressed up, going out to a nightclub and loudly announcing to the first girl you see at the bar: “I NEED A WIFE!”

It won’t be easy; the road to 2015 will be difficult. But this isn’t about Stephen Harper or the Conservative party—it’s about our future.

You heard him right, people: This fundraising campaign—explicitly devised and executed to directly benefit Stephen Harper and the Conservative party—is NOT about Stephen Harper or the Conservative party. Not at all.

It’s not like Stephen Harper is doing this “PM thing” for himself. It’s not as though he enjoys it. Why, if he had his way, he’d be livin’ a simpler life down Pincher Creek way, sittin’ on a porch and a-whittlin’ away alongside his old dog Zeke. He wouldn’t have much use for politickin’, nor, evidently, for the letter g.

But for you—for you, Canada, and for your future—Stephen Harper is willing to selflessly take on the burden of absolute power. Furthermore, he is willing to selflessly exercise that power, to the point of selflessly kind of being a jerk about it at times. For you.

For you, he is willing to abandon his fundamental principles and stack institutions, agencies and court benches with his loyal supporters and flunkies.

For you, he is willing to change the Elections Act to make it harder for you to vote and easier for you to give him money.

For you, he is willing to spend tens of millions of your dollars on ads to tell you what a good job he’s doing managing your money.

It’s about you. Your family. Your kids. Your grandkids.

It’s about your nephew. Your nephew’s cat. That cat’s grandkittens. It’s about ensuring that your own futuristic clone does not emerge from its slime pod into a dystopian hellscape wrought by an epidemic of post-Trudeau shirtlessness and doobie-smoking.

The choices we make today will impact Canada’s future. The global economy remains fragile.

If you think about it, no one has gotten more domestic political mileage out of the stagnant global economy than Stephen Harper. He should send Europe a fruit basket.

Canada needs strong, stable leadership—or we risk losing everything we’ve accomplished together.

Think about that. Think about how traumatic it would be to lose everything we’ve accomplished together over the past eight years. Stephen Harper appointed to the Senate a man who is now the daytime manager of an Ottawa strip club. And you want to just turn your back on that kind of progress?

Not convinced? Think of everything else we’ve accomplished together: The public servants we’ve muzzled together. The forced smiles we’ve tolerated together. The unconvincing rhetorical use of “together” we’ve endured together.

Voters are faced with a choice between Stephen Harper’s strong stable leadership and Justin Trudeau’s lack of judgment and experience.

Way to go, Dimitri. You just made Thomas Mulcair sad.

The stakes have never been higher. That’s why I’m asking you to take part in our “Road to 2015” campaign.

That’s correct—the stakes have never been higher. Never. Not during the Great Depression. Not during either world war. Not during the free trade debate or either Quebec referendum. Stephen Harper’s electoral success in 2015 is literally the highest the stakes have ever been. The stakes are so high that we’ve lost sight of them. Please donate now so we can buy new stakes!

Will you add your name to our list of supporters and join the fight in 2015?

Andrew Coyne recently described our approach to government as being grounded in “secrecy, deception and brute force.” He left out pettiness, vengeance, patronage, yelling and gazebos, but the point is nevertheless clear: When you donate to the Conservative party, you get what you pay for.

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You think Stephen Harper likes this whole power thing?

  1. LOL Brilliant Scott….brilliant. Loved it!

  2. “I NEED A WIFE!”…lol

    But where’s the lap lapping at our shores SF? Isn’t the tide going to come back in on SH’s command as well?

  3. News today, Harper is going to Ukraine. Four reasons Harper is going to Ukraine , first, Harper wants to get the million dollar Ukraine photo op, he already got the million dollar Jewish photo, second, Harper wants to avoid questions about PKP, about their dinner date back 2009. Third, Harper wants to avoid questions about what will happen if the PQ gets a majority government , and the forth and the most important reason, he is starting to sink in the polls, so there is nothing like looking like a statesman when it comes to getting elected in 2015. The only thing Harper forgets is, Canadians are getting sick of this man and his cronies sucking the money out of the treasury to politic around the country and the world on the taxpayers dime.

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  6. This is hilarious. Well done.

  7. One of your best, Scott. I have always wondered why so many times after voting some candidate or party in, I have later felt ashamed of myself. Does not seem to matter which party. Guess it is just part of being Canadian.

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  9. So how about an article about Junior ushering a new idealism full of flowers, love, hope…and hard work. Meanwhile Putin is running tanks around Eastern Europe. Do you seriously think Justin could handle this? We already have an amateur in the White House. How’s that working for you?

  10. Can only echo, “Brilliant, Scott…Brilliant. Loved it!” An exceptional artistry, which puts an accurate assessment on the Harper government.

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  12. No support from this conservative for Conservatives. I am a ethical small c conservative and I don’t see any real conservatism from the Conservatives. Isn’t just “Trust” lies, its the whole deceptive package of political nonsense and waste, such as more MPs in an already bloated government. Its stupidity like taxing people more to buy jobs so they can spend less on other peoples jobs is supposed to make sense. Fact is we don’t have jobs as so much goes to government waste and consumption of uncommon good, we don’t have the money/value to spend on each others jobs as it gets scooped up by governemtn too fast.

    Statism isn’t conservatism, its statism. And former Young Liberal of Canada Harper isn’t a conservative.

    Harper has done nothing to make Canada better, jsut more deciet and statism like the rest. Want me to vote?

    [ x ] I need better choices than statism bloat where people get less and government get too much for waste and lobby buddies. I want a governemtn that represents the people and not focused in managing the people. Sorry, CBC brainwashing wore off me a long time ago.

  13. No longer a CPC supporter, no conservatism and low ethics with lies and no real results to improve Canada. Not worthy of my vote.

    [ x ] I need better choices for my vote than statism.

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