Beset by financial scandal, the Senate has become a huge problem for Stephen Harper. But there’s a solution. To discourage further expense-claim chicanery, we need to find a way to get more money into the hands of the disadvantaged members of the upper chamber.
We need to grasp that this ragtag band of luckless appointees can’t possibly get by on a measly $132,000 a year, plus benefits, per diems, free travel, generous allowances and probably back rubs, tons of back rubs.
People of Canada, I invite you to contribute to my Senate of Canada Kickstarter. An online tool to secure crowdsourced funding, Kickstarter is popular among enthusiasts of movies, music and mayors who may smoke crack.
Give generously and together we may be able to satisfy the financial appetites of our most privileged political citizens. Donate today and these exciting perks could be yours!
Pledge $10 or more: One (1) Senate of Canada pen.
Pledge $25 or more: Your name will be mentioned aloud in the Senate chamber and forever immortalized in Hansard, likely in association with the phrase “cheap bastard.”
Pledge $50 or more: A piece of Senate legislation will be named in your honour, then read aloud in your honour, then fallen asleep to in your honour.
Pledge $100 or more: Former Conservative Sen. Patrick Brazeau will extend to you one (1) middle finger. What’s he supposed to do with a hundred bucks? Is this some kind of joke? Pony up for real, pal.
Pledge $250 or more: Enjoy the emotional thrill and bodily harm of having Mike Duffy use you as a human shield to keep reporters at bay.
Pledge $500 or more: You will be entitled to serve as a character witness for the next senator who faces criminal trial. (Note: Must feign stroke during cross-examination.)
Pledge $1,000 or more: Supporters who donate $1,000 to a senator will receive one (1) complimentary meeting with the Ethics Commissioner, who will be investigating why you just gave $1,000 to a senator. Meeting may include up to one (1) glass of tap water.
Pledge $2,000 or more: Donors are entitled to have an apology made on their behalf by Sen. Pamela Wallin, whose expense claims remain under audit. (Note: apology will be incomplete and insincere.)
Pledge $2,500 or more: At this elite level of giving, former Liberal Sen. Mac Harb—who was recently ordered to pay back $231,000 in wrongly claimed expenses—will personally designate your home as his primary residence. Do you have any dependents? Mac Harb could sure use some dependents. Hey, are you going to finish that sandwich?
Pledge $3,000 or more: Complimentary dinner and drinks with between one (1) and three (3) humiliated senators. (Complimentary for them, so bring cash.)
Pledge $4,000 or more: A sitting senator will come to your home and diminish your faith in parliamentary democracy in person!
Pledge $5,000 or more: You deserve a day to yourself—so let the master of excuses, Sen. Duffy, phone in sick for you! He’ll even handle any follow-up queries regarding your “health issues.” Don’t worry about job security: Mike can smoothly stickhandle through any contingency. Some examples:
Q: Where’s your doctor’s note?
A: “Medical forms are complicated.”
Q: How come you don’t sound sick?
A: “How come you’re a jerk?”
Q: Didn’t I just see you at the movies?
A: “THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER.”
Pledge $7,500 or more: A dishonoured senator of your choice will personally do your taxes. I smell a refund!
Pledge $10,000 or more: Exclusive Senator for a Day package! Live the life of a crony, bagman, brown-noser, party loyalist (or some combination thereof) for a full 24 hours! We supply the business suit, the shiny shoes and the overwhelming air of disdain for our country’s institutions. You supply the gall to double dip on your per diem and expenses.
Pledge $90,172: Welcome to the super-exclusive “Chief of Staff” level! Donate this amount to bail out one (1) over-entitled, utterly shameless senator, and you’ll enjoy the unmatched experience of losing your job, damaging your reputation, enduring a police investigation and regretting your decision for years to come. You’ll also get a Senate of Canada pen! (You can’t keep the pen.)
Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk