Jan. 20, 2017: Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th U.S. President. Trump summons his top military officers to the Situation Room to finally reveal his “secret plan” to defeat ISIS.
Generals and, I guess, lady generals? Is that the term?
Help yourselves to a terrific mac ’n’ cheese bacon slider from the new White House chef, Guy Fieri. Six different kinds of cheese in there, okay? Six. At best—at best—China has managed to do four. So my administration is off on the right foot.
First question: Which button here fires the nukes? This flashing one? One pizza with pepperoni and mushroom cloud, delivered right to ISIS HQ. Boom, the terrorists die, we win, thanks Trump, big hero, president for life probably, maybe Mount Rushmore even but who can say?
Okay so relax, that was just a joke about the missiles. I’m great at jokes. Although which one is it, actually? I don’t want to push a button thinking it’s the button and then find out it summons a valet or rings a stupid bell.
Anyway, this whole ISIS problem—it’s bad. It’s unprecedented. It’s literally never been precedented. So let’s get to my plan, which totally exists.
The big challenge as I understand it is: The terrorists are hiding. They hide in caves, tents maybe, under the bed, who knows? They don’t exactly carpool to work together, is what I’m saying. We need to bunch them up so we can hit them all at once.
Answer: Billy Joel. Very, very good friend of mine for many, many years. What we do is we put on a concert—Billy Joel, one night only, ISISstock, ISISpalooza, ISIS-Come-Get-Blown-Up, except we don’t say that because that’s the surprise, right?
We put up flyers all over ISIStopia or wherever they live: Come see the show. Five shillings, or whatever their money is. Believe me, they’ll come—they’re terrorists, not robots. They have two ears and a heart, is what I’m saying. You think you’re tired of Piano Man and then Billy hits the chorus and, I’m telling you, chills. Legitimate shivers. Honestly, I envy these ISIS people. It’s not a bad way to go.
Anyway, first encore, we bomb them to hell. Does Billy get hit too? Ideally, no—but probably yes. Big hero. We’ll name an aircraft carrier after him. Or maybe these sliders. Guy Fieri’s Six-Cheese Billy Joel Memorial Bacon Sliders. With a side of Purple Heart Fries.
Which button do I push to make them send in some fries? This flashing one?
Related: Did Donald Trump really say that?
So, will my plan work? Yes. I’m the best at planning plans. But you guys are generals and generals are always going be like, “Mr. President, great plan, best plan ever—but maybe we should have a backup plan that we’ll never require, but just in case.”
Dumb. Dumb thinking. Don’t need one. But also smart, so here are two.
One, we lie to them. We tell ISIS, “You win. We give up. We’re all like you now, okay?” Put Melania on TV in a burka. She’ll still look hot, obviously, but “devout” hot.
Then we tell them: “But have you heard about Canada? Oh, it’s so terrible, Canada still believes in partying and freedom and all the bad stuff.” You should terrorize Canada, being the message. ISIS falls for it: “Death to Canada! Bomb their strategic reserve of maple syrup!” And we’re sitting here, relaxed, it’s nice, we’re having a good time.
Two, if maybe we can’t find them to bomb them, we cut off their money. I’m thinking Trump University starts a master’s program in Destroying the American Infidels. Lots of commercials on YouTube: “Do you want to eradicate the Great Satan from the comfort of own spider hole?” Promise the very best faculty in anti-American studies. Big tuition fees. Eight months and ISIS will be flat broke.
Or maybe this: Remember that big heist movie? We beat our bad guy like they beat theirs. We get some fake moustaches, we slip in, a little sleight of hand, and all of a sudden we’ve stolen all their oil and they’re shaking their fists in the air and going, “Curse you, Danny Ocean!”
That was a great documentary, by the way. I can’t remember the name of the group but I’m sure you can find them. The leader looks a lot like George Clooney if that helps.