Americans have been deluged by a trillion-tweet tsunami of Deep, Deep Thoughts that purport to explain Donald Trump’s election to the U.S. presidency. It’s white people’s fault, black people say. It’s dumb people’s fault, white people say. It’s a tiny basketball, dumb people say while holding an orange.
It’s time to move on. Let’s stop worrying about how Trump got elected. And let’s start worrying about how we’re all going to perish during his time in office.
Here are the latest odds on the likely cause of our seemingly inevitable demise during the next four years:
This is the scenario we’re all freaking out about, right? President Trump unleashes his nation’s nuclear arsenal after being provoked by North Korean military aggression or a mix-up at the drive-through (“I said rings not fries! LAUNCH STRIKE PACKAGE DELTA!”).
But here’s what you forget about Donald Trump: The man loves his many properties. Have you ever heard him go five sentences without mentioning his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida? What about his many golf courses and hotels? I’m sure there’s a small part of Donald Trump (his hands, probably) that thinks: “Hey, living underground in the presidential bunker would be neat! We could eat bunker burgers!” On the other (tiny) hand, the threat of a retaliatory nuclear strike against the Mar-a-Lago croquet court is too much to bear. Odds: 85-1.
Can half a billion people suffer a fatal heart attack at the exact same time? I guess we’ll find out when Scott Baio is named chairman of the joint chiefs. Odds: 12-1.
Immediate global warming
Everyone assumes president Trump is going to spend the next four years ignoring the science of climate change—and, in fact, supporting policies that will accelerate the threat. But who’s to say he’ll stop there?
Let’s be frank: The bozos he’s putting in charge could easily crank up the globe’s average temperature by five degrees in an afternoon. Throw in the inevitable Guns for Trees Program—get a free assault rifle with every acre you deforest!—and Trump may become the first U.S. president to fail to seek re-election because he melted. Odds: 40-1.
Unstoppable deadly contagion
In retrospect, the people of the world knew they were doomed the moment that Surgeon General Jenny McCarthy held a news conference to announce that “vaccines are a hoax” and “this tube of Ebola—crunch!—is a healthy and delicious snack.” Odds: 15-1.
Mad Max-style dystopian car chase
I’ll be honest: There’s very little chance of this one coming to pass. America is going to be awash in oil for the foreseeable future—so no need for post-apocalyptic fuel wrangling. That said, there is a decent chance that President Trump will chain Bon Jovi to the front of his motorcade and force him to play guitar as they cruise around town. “Regret campaigning for Hillary yet, Jon?” Odds: 1,000-1.
Do you really think the Clintons are out of the picture? They have enormous resources, time on their hands and a grudge the size of the Midwest. Odds: 60-1.
A gigantic, world-destroying laser cannon ﬁred by an invincible interstellar armada
It sounds far-fetched—but give me three sentences and I’ll make you a believer:
- As president, Trump is informed that Area 51 in Roswell is in fact home to aliens who crash-landed on Earth many decades ago.
- The president insists on reaching out to the alien overlord—in an effort to advance galactic peace and find a species that will actually drink Trump wine.
- During first contact, President Trump introduces himself to the overlord’s daughter and compliments her “space boobs.” Odds: 7-1.
Turns out our reality exists only as a simulation on a Star Trek-style holodeck—which is shut down for maintenance after Trump’s election is judged to be a hilarious system glitch. Odds: 100-1.
Even before Trump formally takes office, our planet suffers an extinction-level impact. It’s important to note that as of this moment, there is no evidence that there’s even a remote chance of this happening. But consider how our luck has been going in 2016, and you know it’s a foregone conclusion. Odds: even.