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Town-hall debate prep with Donald Trump

What do ISIS, China, 9/11, KFC, birthers and Cracker Jack have in common? Exactly.


 
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Donald Trump illustration

Related: A memo to Donald Trump: How to improve for the next debate 

It’s hard to envy Donald Trump’s advisers, who must prep him for the Oct. 9 town-hall-style debate—in which the wealthy Republican candidate will be expected to convey a grasp of mainstream pocketbook issues and the day-to-day priorities of middle-class Americans. The following quiz may help Trump brush up on some of the things he ought to know.

1. Which font does the average American use when erecting his surname 50 feet tall on top of his house?

2. Body language is important in a town-hall debate. Place a check beside all the things you should do while a voter is asking a question.

__ Roll your eyes.

__ Send a tweet.

__ Prepare to address the voter by name, then immediately forget his name but try to pretend you didn’t forget his name: “Good question, question asker.”

__ Make eye contact.

__ If it’s an attractive lady voter, make eye contact with her “chest eyes.”

__ Interrupt the voter a whole bunch of times by yelling, “WRONG!”

3. Economic growth continues to lag. Middle-class families are struggling to make ends meet. In the face of this ongoing malaise, could you please go off on an unrelated tangent about Rosie O’Donnell?

4. Who do ordinary Americans want their president to be toughest on?

a) Putin.

b) North Korea.

c) Beauty queens who like a scone.

5. It is important for presidential candidates to show a basic understanding of math and working-class financial issues. Here’s an example: You hire John to do carpentry work on your new building. John puts in 286 hours of work at a rate of $37 an hour. At the end of the project, how much is he going to be surprised when you stiff him?

6. In the typical middle-class home, where will you find the largest number of extravagantly detailed 24-karat gold accents?

a) Foyer.

b) Upper foyer.

c) Inner foyer.

d) Crib.

7. How much does a gallon of milk cost?

a) $500.

b) $5,000.

c) Do you have any questions that aren’t meant for a woman?

8. An audience member stands to ask a question. She has just been downsized out of a job. What is the best way to respond?

a) Immediately forge a bond of intimacy by bestowing a nickname, such as “Loser” or “Blubber Butt.”

b) Relate to the voter on a human level by declaring, “I put on my pants the same way you do: Two legs at a time, using an elaborate pulley system operated by my valet.”

c) Use the question to pivot into a more comprehensive answer about the major challenge confronting the American economy: the cost of providing health care to that 400-lb. hacker.

9. Which of these three-word answers will win over more of the African-American voters in the audience?

a) Stop and frisk.

b) Law and order.

c) Blue lives matter.

d) All of the above said in blackface.

10. Town-hall participants may raise the issue of the Trump Foundation using its funds to pay your bills—and lacking the certification required for charities that solicit money. What’s the best way to respond?

a) Pledge to henceforth make air quotes whenever saying the word “Foundation.”

b) Seven-hundred-word answer that includes references to ISIS, Russia, Bill Clinton, Miss Universe, 9/11, KFC, the birther movement, Melania’s figure, the Harlem Globetrotters and the time when there used to be a good prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box but now there isn’t because: China, probably.

c) I’m supposed to pay for my own groceries with milk at $5,000 a gallon?


Related video: The Skittle Meter fact checks the debate


 

Town-hall debate prep with Donald Trump

  1. This election will be based on character, and character only. See who wins the race to the bottom.

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