Who will Donald Trump insult over the telephone next?
Scott Feschuk imagines the U.S. president’s first call with, let’s say, the prime minister of Greece
U.S. President Donald Trump speaks on the phone with Vladimir Putin, Russia’s president, during the first official phone talks in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, D.C. on Saturday, Jan. 28, 2017.(Pete Marovich/Bloomberg/Getty Images)
Share
He has provoked and threatened Mexico. He has alienated and hung up on Australia. Let’s look ahead to Donald Trump’s future phone call with, oh, let’s pick the Prime Minister of Greece:
DONALD TRUMP: Hello Mr. Prime Minister, is your refrigerator running? Not if it was built in Mexico haha.
ALEXIS TSIPRAS: I… I do not know who made my…
TRUMP: No, it’s just a little joke about how Mexico is the worst. Very funny and clever. How are you, Mr. Prime Minister?
TSIPRAS: I am very eager to talk with you about the ongoing threats we…
TRUMP: So hang on, I see here in my briefing notes: Hellenic. The word ‘Hellenic,’ over and over. So you’re a girl country?
TSIPRAS: I…
TRUMP: I said to Bannon: ‘Greece?’ Do we, like, really need to make that call? But then he told me your heads of state are John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, and I was like—I remember that! With the summer nights and the good-natured sex pressuring. That’s some serious star power for a two-bit country like yours. I partied once with Travolta—great, great guy, good friend. But you know that’s a toupee up top, right?”
TSIPRAS [placing hand over receiver]: We are sure this is the actual president?
TRUMP: Aw, now Bannon is laughing his fat ass off. Another dumb prank of his. Grease/Greece, do you get it because I get it now. Just like when he got me to sign that executive order about the immigrants. Ruined some lives, sure, but that’s the price of comedy, I guess.
TSIPRAS: Mr. President, I know you’re busy and I want to raise the matter of the Turkish incursions into…
TRUMP: Wait, hold on, I’ve got an important question.
RELATED: Trudeau’s first call with Trump
TSIPRAS: By all means.
TRUMP: You’re the feta country, right? The cheese? Worst one ever. I’m sorry, I don’t want to insult you and your culture, very nice and historic, but feta is basically wet chalk. Just horrible. And I say that will all due respect for the many accomplishments of the Greek people over the centuries, like pro wrestling and ‘Jimmy the’ from TV.
TSIPRAS: I will… uh…
TRUMP: But Melania says your yogurt? Too thick.
TSIPRAS: Mr. President, forgive me, but when Turkish war planes enter our air space, we…
TRUMP: Listen, so here’s the thing, okay? And this may be hard for you to hear. But I’m the president now, great victory, landslide win, everything going great so far, big-league support, and I’ve got to be straight with you.
TSIPRAS: I understand. Please continue.
TRUMP: That lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding? She was a six, tops.