To: Canadian Olympic athletes
Veneration of Dear Leader Harper (lack of same)
Emulation of Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea (DPR) as praise-model for Canadian athletics.
It has been noticed at the Highest Levels of government that there has been a distinct lack by Canadian medallists of spontaneous displays of affection and gratitude directed at the Canadian government, which is to say the Harper government, which is to say in Most Dear and Supreme Leader Stephen Harper.
Inasmuch as money flows through said government under the benevolent leadership of The Great Sportsman it is strongly suggested that said athletes ‘get with the program’ during pre- and post-event interviews and in all electronic communication. (#weSweatforGr8Leader)
To assist said athletes the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) has collected, through its association with the Canadian Olympic Committee, excellent examples of gratitude as freely expressed at the 2012 London Summer Olympic Games by actual North Korean athletes.
Any of these quotations can be ‘Canadianized’ by our triumphant athletes with the simple substitution of Dear Leader Harper at the appropriate point in the praise-model template.
Kim Un Guk upon winning gold in (63kg) weightlifting:
“I had a back injury before, but thanks to Kim Jong-Il (DPR’s late leader) I was able to overcome it and win the record.”
Kim Un Guk on future plans:
“Kim Jong-Un is waiting for the news so I will be pleased to get the news to him. The whole country will be happy, and the father of the country will be very happy too.”
Kim Un Guk on the resurgence of weightlifting in the DPR:
“The secret is the best support of our General and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un. He expects the highest performance from all our athletes.”
Om Yun Chol (56kg) weightlifting on becoming the fifth man in history to lift three times his bodyweight in the clean and jerk:
“I an very happy and give thanks to our Great Leader for giving me the strength to lift this weight.”
Om Yun Chol on his surprise at such an accomplishment:
“How can any man lift 168kg? I believe the Great Kim Jong-Il looked over me.”
Om Yun Chol on his supporters:
“My parents were not here. I am here only with my coach. I believe Kim Jong-Il gave me the record and all my achievements. It is all because of him.”
Rim Jong Sim on how she will celebrate her gold medal in (56kg) weightlifting:
“It is not good to celebrate anything. It is just to please our leader Kim Jong-Un.”
Rim Jong Sim on where she finds her motivation:
“Even when the training was really tough, as an athlete I give joy to the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un. That was my motivation. As an athlete I needed to know how to please the General. The only thing I want to do right now is run to our Dear General with my gold medal in my hand.”
Sin Ui Gun, DPR women’s team soccer coach, on how his players spend their free time at the Games:
“As you might well know, our players did not find any free time since we arrived here . . . Some of you will have seen our team players enjoying their free time in the hotel. There is a hall with some games machines and table tennis and they love to spend their time there inside.”
As you can see, a few simple words of gratitude can go a long way toward building a successful national sports program and a joyous and responsible athlete. We are watching your response to these suggestions with great interest.
On behalf of the PMO,
Yours in sport,
Eric Arthur Blair.