The absolute, honest truth about UFOs

The confirmed presence of extraterrestrials would give a much-needed boost to the presidency of Barack Obama, writes Scott Feschuk

Photo illustration by Lauren Cattermole and Richard Redditt

Photo illustration by Lauren Cattermole and Richard Redditt

Remember UFOs? Young people might not believe it—but there was a time when claiming to have been abducted by aliens was all the rage among hillbillies, crackpots and anyone desperately trying to explain away a suspicious bum injury.

It’s the granddaddy of conspiracy theories: that, for well over half a century, governments have covered up the “fact” that extraterrestrial beings have visited us aboard a wide range of spaceships, each blurrier than the last.

Some still want to believe. This month, the Disclosure Canada Tour visited four major cities to blow the lid off the “truth embargo on the extraterrestrial presence issue.” A sextet of nerdlingers charged 50 bucks a seat to discuss “Earth’s cosmic Watergate” before an audience of many presumed virgins.

The big draw among tour participants was Paul Hellyer. Now 91, Hellyer is a former minister of defence under Lester Pearson, the longest-serving member of the Privy Council and, more recently, a crazy person. He claims to have seen a UFO a few years ago near his cottage, noting, “It looked just like a star.” So far as anyone can remember, this marks the first time a UFO witness has made a claim—and provided the obvious explanation for what he really saw—in the same sentence.

(FYI, Hellyer also believes much of the world is secretly governed by an elite cabal. If he can just figure out how Lee Harvey Oswald faked the moon landing, the guy is a cinch to win Conspiracy Yahtzee.)

The movie-style trailer for the Disclosure Tour is worth a watch. Over some wicked guitar licks, the six “big-name” speakers at the event are introduced in freeze-frame—their surnames appearing dramatically on screen in block letters. The message? These guys are exactly like those bad-asses from The Expendables, but with more eczema and delusions.

The highlight comes halfway through. Two men are driving. We view them from the back seat—possibly for drama-based reasons; more likely because no one associated with this production can afford a GoPro. One guy speculates about other dimensions, then says: “The answer to those questions—just by the very fact we can ask these questions—is evidence that there must be some sort of answer out there about any number of those questions.” Congratulations, hero: In a single sentence, you managed to make less sense than the final two seasons of The X-Files.

Still, the tour represented a throwback to a time when conspiracy theorists were agreeably eccentric, unfamiliar with the sort of casual cruelty later displayed by 9/11 and Sandy Hook “truthers.” In a way, these UFO obsessives are even to be admired: They have devoted their life’s work to bravely ignoring every piece of evidence that their life’s work is really dumb.

To cite just two obvious points:

1. In the age of smartphones, the existence of flying saucers ought to be better documented by now than any other phenomenon, up to, and including, double rainbows and drunken skateboard fails. Let’s face it: If UFOs were real, Google would already be mapping their interiors. Click left to visit the probe-a-torium! And we’d all be watching reality shows in which Jillian Michaels humiliates our new reptile overlord into getting back in shape after binge-eating the bearded hermits of North Dakota.

2. Governments today would have zero interest in concealing the truth about aliens. In fact, the confirmed presence of extraterrestrials would give Barack Obama the biggest boost of his presidency. The opportunity to greet and/or explode alien species? History would surely give him a mulligan on his foreign-policy missteps if he were to ace interplanetary relations. Think about it: the first black President and the guy who ushered in an era of peace and partnership with the slug zombies of Zorgan 4? Good luck topping that, Hillary.

Here in Canada, meanwhile, it’s a safe bet that Stephen Harper would embrace the opportunity to greet an interstellar visitor—with a series of attack ads. Ragamon the Unquenchable purports to be a murderous, amorphous shape-shifter—but he’s just not up to the job of planetary genocide.

On the bright side, Harper could also be counted on to fast-track new legislation. Within weeks, Canadian parents would be entitled to a $500 tax credit for each child who spends more than two months of the year enslaved in an alien work camp.


The absolute, honest truth about UFOs

  1. First, we have to ask, are we a species worth knowing?

    I doubt the answer is yes. Any species capable of interstellar travel would also have to evolve well past the need for war, bombs, and murdering people. They would then see us as barbarians. If they were 75 years away, they would be viewing Adolph Hitler TV and radio signals. When they got here, they would see we really haven’t changed. Barbarians with religious myths, bomb diplomacy and a lot of really stupid human beings.

    IF, and I say IF we made it to interstellar travel 100 light years away we might find habitable planet, land and populate it. They later dig up reminants of a civilization long gone, 2 billion years ago. As they nuked, bio-warfare, or did the insane super-wars technology can bring. That is, annihilate themselves.

    Sad we spend so much on bombs, warfare, spying on our own people, as to govmint, we are all enemies of Orwellian statism run by some pretty corrupted people with no morals, just the lust of mindless bureaucracy, self serving interests and greed.

    I can hear a alien say, “Son, daughter, this is the barabaric way we lived some billion years ago. We too had wars, over population, ignorance…..but were fiortunate to evolve past this. This world is well on the path to destruction, like so many planets in the cosmos we have visited looking for intelligent life.” They would then scoop some gases for fuel from Jupiter or some planet/moon and move on.

    They might send a science crew every 10,000 years, collect some DNA for science reasons… but they would have little to do with us. We would have nothing to offer them buy DNA. Or maybe not even that.

    • Dave,

      They may have little interest in us and more interest in the biodiversity of our planet.

  2. My recently deceased husband, Terry Hansen, author of, ‘The Missing Times,’ devoted the better part of his life to the study of the ties between the U.S. defense department and mainstream media, as well as tabloid media. Ufos were savaged in the reputable mainstream media and very likely purposely played up in the tabloid media. This is referred to as ‘disreputable framing.’

    It is highly amusing to me to see both ends of the spectrum; those who believe anything and everything they read about the subject, online, described as, ‘crazy,’ in an appeal to ‘reason’ when those lampooning the subject, in its entirety, are also coming from a very emotional, irrational base.

    It is the knee jerk reaction, the giggle producing nervous laughter, the deep uneasiness that we aren’t alone…and further to that, may not be in control in our own sphere, that underpin this decades old social engineering project. But it is just that…old.

    We are finding out, as a species, that we are not the be all and end all, through recent studies of animal intelligence, consciousness and emotion. This area of inquiry, that chips away and alters our view of ourselves, will extend into other disciplines.

    Forget Disclosure, there are those seeking human rights protection for great apes. As a species, we are shrinking in stature, other species are taking their proper place. Our world view and view of the universe is reshaping. Our ability to entertain the notion that we are being visited by others, from off planet or some paralleling reality, becomes more of a distinct possibility. Nobody can fight a zeitgeist.

  3. This was one of the worst article I ever had a displeasure to read. Scott spent a few minutes to examine and research UFO phenomenon and came up with a few poorly articulated sentences. Than he mixed facts with his half learned brainwashed mind and what came out was a complete waste of space and time – for the reader.

    • Blithering about UFOs is the only waste of time. The entire phenomenon is no more meaningful than Bigfoot or Chemtrails.

      Dismissing the UFO kookery not dismissing the possibility of life on other planets. That is nothing more than a lame attempt to attach cult beliefs to the fantastic discoveries of modern astronomy.

  4. I agree with Neb. I see this as a shamefully shallow attempt to dismiss the entire notion of the possibility of life other than that on earth and also the reputation of Paul Hellyer – a principled and intelligent man, and apparently still of sound mind – far from the “crazy person” you so glibly dismiss him as.
    Do you have a specific agenda, Scott, or are you a simple loose cannon gleefully dispensing the truth as I presume it is popularly wished for in the Sportsnet crowd, or your crowd, whatever that is.
    I see this also as an article not up to what I had assumed was MacLean’s standards, but live and learn.

    • I posted it once and I will post it again.

      Dismissing the UFO kookery not dismissing the possibility of life on other planets. That is nothing more than a lame attempt to attach cult beliefs to the fantastic discoveries of modern astronomy.

  5. Mr. Feshchuk
    Regrettably it is quite clear you have done zero research on a geo-poitical issue beyond your grasp. I am one of the organizers and speakers at the DISCLOSURE CANADA TOUR. Consensus seems that this article is beyond feeble and unfitting for a publication like MacLeans.

    There is virtually nothing less journalistically palatable and professionally disconcerting than reading something in a respected Canadian publication, written by an author who has no idea what he’s writing about.

    You should not be blamed for that – it’s your job. No one can be criticized for doing their job. However – you would no doubt agree doing one’s job on a foundation of abject ignorance is indeed worthy of criticism at the journalistic podium you so fortunately possess. But, you have to get it right…

    If – repeat, if – you wish to educate yourself on this matter, please do SOME reading or research first.

    Begin by listening to or watching the 40 hours of testimony by some 30 witnesses: former military, pilots, police officers, ICBM Launch Commanders, a former UK Ministry of Defence official, ICBM Security Officers, and intelligence personnel and more. It’s called the CITIZENS HEARINGS held in Washington DC in May of 2013. The Toronto Star covered the event. You must’ve missed this. Not too late to research it but so easy to be flippant.

    If you wish you can also look into the testimony of the late Gordon Cooper NASA astronaut who gave testimony before the UN. He stated: “For many years I have lived with a secret, in a secrecy imposed on all specialists in astronautics. I can now reveal that every day, in the USA, our radar instruments capture objects of form and composition unknown to us. And there are thousands of witness reports and a quantity of documents to prove this, but nobody wants to make them public.”

    Just one of many astronauts including Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell who have testified to the reality of the UFO phenomenon. Research it.

    I would also encourage you to read The Missing Times by the late Terry Hansen – a journalist himself. Research it.

    If that is not enough, please review a statement made by a former CIA Director Us Naval Admiral Roscoe Hillenkoetter in the New York Times – Feb 26, 1960 UPI – “It is time for the truth to be brought out… Behind the scenes, high-ranking Air Force officers are soberly concerned about the UFOs. But through official secrecy and ridicule, many citizens are led to believe the unknown flying objects are nonsense… I urge immediate Congressional action to reduce the dangers from secrecy about Unidentified Flying Objects…” The Admiral may have known a tad more than a periodical journalist on the matter of UFOs.

    These are several simple and basic starting points for any first year journalist to consider in order to begin your education.

    You really should know better.

    If you wish to pursue this further – although this is highly doubtful – we can help provide you with letters – memos – and documents that reach directly into the White House on this matter; and much more.

    If you wish to begin educating yourself rather than putting ramblings in one of Canada’s most respected periodicals – Google ZlandCommunications – it’s a Canadian news service – contact us there – we will gladly assist you. If not then – we respectfully suggest you stick to sports sir. Keep your eye on the ball or risk missing the point completely.

    Somehow our assessment is that you have your mind made up already on this matter. So either do some authentic research on this issue, rather than writing off the top of your head about a matter you know absolutely nothing about.

    Take a page from Bill Mahers… “One can’t change the world in a day but you can certainly get the smell of stupid out of the furniture.” Check your sofa.

    • ZNN wrote:

      “If you wish you can also look into the testimony of the late Gordon Cooper NASA astronaut who gave testimony before the UN. He stated: “For many years I have lived with a secret, in a secrecy imposed on all specialists in astronautics. I can now reveal that every day, in the USA, our radar instruments capture objects of form and composition unknown to us. And there are thousands of witness reports and a quantity of documents to prove this, but nobody wants to make them public.”

      Actually, ZNN has foolishly fallen for a hoax transcript from a 1973 French paranormal magazine, later used by Columbia Pictures to promote CE3K, that Cooper vigorously denounced and sued the movie company to desist. So I guess ‘research’ doesn’t mean the same thing to ZNN as it does to the rest of us.

      “Just one of many astronauts including Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell who have testified to the reality of the UFO phenomenon. Research it.”

      Mitchell reports hearsay, the other quotations are mostly internet hoaxes for the eager-believers with minds so open their brains have fallen out, Proof here – http://www.jamesoberg.com/ufo.html

      Great article.

      • ah yes Mr Jim Oberg he of debunking fame, yes too open of a mind and your brains will fall out,,but too closed of a mind such as yours won’t let any enlightenment in. Funny how you don’t seem to mind posing as an “expert” on all the kooky ufo programs debunking them. But a paycheque is a paycheque right?

        • Buried-in-Fantasy makes the standard UFOric retort, which is the gimmick of not actually pointing out any factual errors in my research [they never seem to try that approach] but appealing for sympathy because they imagine I’m some sort of ‘hired gun’. I discuss that pathology in my “99 FAQs About ‘Space UFO’ Videos” on the link given above. It’s so predictable they might as well be robots. Hmmm, I wonder…?

  6. Hi there Scott,
    I must say you gave me a pretty good laugh with that one. Truly hilarious! Exactly what I would have written on the topic, at least when I’m at my wittiest.
    What amazes me is that none of the other commenters seem to have gotten the humour.

  7. There is anti-matter, dark matter and a sucking vortex called, ‘doesn’t matter,’ where poorly researched ‘journalism’ ends up in a dark hole of irrelevance.

  8. (2/3)
    He’s really not supposed to say (if a trap this is psychologically manipulative retaliation for me asking personal questions):
    Everytime they send a msg back time + space co-ordinates change. He is Worf is real life. It is annoying not to recognize your friends. Even his family’s presonality changes (a bit?). The only thing that stays constant is the time machine (and the recipient at least to some degree I assume). That is why I’m his friend. The leader on his world has even changed. Chaos is real enough for them. Time travel is not for the faint of heart is all I need to know for now. The implications are I could be contacted by another (another) species. One possibility is the 3rd species doesn\t know my co-ordinates. Outside our (best of both worlds) light-cone is not known to me (and vice-versa I assume). The implications are I learn something he doesn’t know from another species; I should be careful of who I trust since there could be dystopias with technology like what they use to contact me.
    I am receiving msgs from the only species he is aware of that has this technology in his/my lightcone. Hyperventilating is hilariously his reaction to having a family he doesn’t know (they character traits of); they are alien to him as well. It is bewildering when his world changes. Once in a while a major change occurs and he has to take a history lesson. I don’t have it as bad, take his word for it.
    (this part I figured out for myself and said is mostly right but time machines are classified WMDs):
    If he is Parrallels Worf (poor guy) it may be because if you synchronize the sending of tachyons in the future and they are majorana particles, they will annihilate eachother later in time (10000BC rather than 13.69 million yrs BC). This would be safer than having all the tachyons meet near the beginning of the universe. I was about to ask our physics community questions but was reminded I already agreed humanity will not invent a time machine. They said AI is an easier engeering feat but time machine are a greater WMD threat than kinetic impactors (presumably we’d have good gvmt by the time impactors become an unnatural WMD threat).
    When it comes to enduring mental fatigue I have no equal. Another reason they must pick someone smart. Platinum Group metals aren’t that important for making AI. We aren’t even close to good gvmt now; not good enough now to run a surveillance network that looks for AI. Space colonies are dangerous until you have good gvmt. For good gvmt our checks on power have to be even better than they are now. You can enforce (a no-AI Law) within and including a Mars orbit with VASIMR. Without VASIMR a colony near Mars distances from Earth is risky. To me it looks as if you are chasing your own tail with increasing propulsion abilities and faculties.

    • I could not have said it better myself. The question is; would I want to?

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